... to ask if not infidelity...

[karmacoma1]

... what was the grounds for your divorce/breakup of long term relationship?

Was there a straw that broke the camels back kind of moment? Or an accumulation of smaller things?

My first H was unfaithful but that was really a symptom rather than a cause, and I don't think that was actually my tipping point. I'd reached that earlier - I just didn't like him. I realised one day that I dreaded the sound of his key in the door, and that was when I sort of checked out. The infidelity just gave me a reason to leave. That was years and years ago and we're now friends in a way we certainly weren't back then.

Well he gaslit like crazy, he said something awful and I got a piece of paper to write it down and he flew acroos the room and twisted my hand.

Then soon after that he hit me quite badly but brainwashed me to think the police would blame me. I plucked up the courage to go for photographing and they went to arrest him. Final straw.

Too much unkindness, too much drama.

We had moved from a spousal relationship to that of siblings and we both wanted more.

We remain the best of friends and ex-H has just got remarried to someone who suits him far better!

We sort of got on most of the time then someone really close to me passed away and I thought life is too short to spend time doing anything that doesn’t make me happy. Got divorced been happy ever since.

He was an irresponsible drug-using cocklodger

I remember reading somewhere that most people can look back and trace the red flag that it wasn't going to work to within a month of meeting their partner. And they/we/I brush it aside. It is only with hindsight we see that we see the signs were there from early on.

This is really interesting. DH and I are currently trying to work on our marriage, but I can see it crumbling. He doesn't love me anymore (whole issue that I haven't yet been brave enough to post about on the relationships board). But we actually split up for a little while after a year together because he thought I cared more about him than the other way round and didn't feel comfortable about the imbalance. Maybe I should have seen this coming then

Him going through the shopping list, crossing off everything he claimed not to eat or drink, evennthing he definitely did consume, like beer and biscuits.

And spraying the bathroom with pot pourri air freshener after he'd had a shit. I still can't smell pot pourri without associating it with shit.

Ex-h: had issues with drink (not an alcoholic but a problem drinker) & drugs (habitual user) - resulting in flaky behaviour.

STBEx-DP - had an affair whilst I was pregnant (I suspected but didn’t find out till later), depression (and resulting selfish behaviour) debt, failing to support me, sexless.

Interesting thought re: red flags within a month of relationship starting - I can see signs with the benefit of hindsight. I wish MN had been around then......

He turned out to be a cunt.

Lack of communication and fizzling out of any connection we once had.

Mind you, both of the above led to him shagging other people, so....

"he turned out to be a cunt"...!

We were having passionate, early-relationship sex on his stairs and I cried "fuck me, fuck me". He froze mid-stroke and said something like, "Oh please. I don't like that kind of pornography talk". He turned out to be a prude. Fifteen years later I understood that was a red flag.

Definitely as pp said the death by a thousand scratches. I realised that when I was feeling low or vulnerable I had to hide it from him, as he would actually use it as an opportunity to knock me down even lower. And he would store up mistakes I made or any signs of weakness to use against me later.
But also re the signs early on.... I asked him in the first flush of our relationship, what he thought my biggest flaw was. And he said "you're very disobedient" I roared with laughter as I thought he was joking. He wasn't...... 👿

After years of domestic abuse I still couldn't leave though tried many times. One day I was in the kitchen and I heard the most awful scream come from my six year old boy who was upstairs. I met him on the stairs and he had my ex husband's hand print on his face. It was bright red and you could make out the finger marks, each and every one. I've never felt guilt like it. My ex husband is 6'5"!!!!! I decided that was enough, he was never going to do that again and I was gone but not before he smacked me in the face with a laptop.

I've often wondered if some of the posters on here who are being abused are writing about him.

His name begins with an A. Could be for arsehole but its not.

Ended a relationship after hearing 'id rather die than have children with you ' Nice !