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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is it OK to tell another persons child off? Do ytoher people get scared by confrontation?

73 replies

PeachyChocolateEClair · 11/04/2007 19:14

Incident in pub play area (outdoor) today. We quickly spotted this 10 year old was a problem- he was trying to herd all the three year olds playing in the beer agrden into the road (!) and also into the bins ( a small enlced area behind a gate where he was shutting the gate). I however missed the first enocunter- where my Sis and BIL ahd to corner him to stop them kicking their 3 year old (I went to take ds3 to the loo). About tem minutes alter we looked up and he was jitting ds3 with a stick. Dh went over quicklyadmittefly shouting 'Oi!' quitre loudly- to distract him I think. Then this woman- came out of noewhere shouting and swearing, spat in DH's face and apaprently (according to ds1- I was grabbing ds's) in ds3's face too. HSe then just yelled at us really anstily for about 5 minutes, apaprenlty the fact that he was 10 didnt mean he should not be hurtinga three year old- age irrelevelnt. Etc. The landlady almost threw us all out, eventhough sis / bil / me and mainly DH (he did try and refute a few things she said) were sitting trying to ignore her / calm things down. then she went, and the rest of the time was shouting insults / getting her ds to put his fingers up at us. DH thinks she was drunk, but she had her macdonads uniform on so i think she was probably not, and off to work later (sjhe may already have been).

Should Dh not have shouted do you think? I mean, clearly people who spit at kids are not the nicest, neither are people who allow thier children to put their fingers up at oher famillies. Do why am Is till shaking and feeling really, really guilty? Sis says woman was out of order (we had been up and down monitoring our kids, she just sat there and let him get on with it).

Dh says the reason I fel so abd is that I had a crap childhood and shouting really terrifies me- it was often folowed by physical attacks on me and my sisters (from either parent) and I have a particularly abd memory of Mum being in the kitchen with dad fighting yelling 'I'm being raped' and I've nver known if she was (she was heavily depressed and unbalanced at that time). Any shouting scares me
rigid.

Its totally ruined a nice day, Sis has just found she is pg with ehr second and it was supposed to be a gat tohgether . Should DH ahve not said anything? This woman said we weren't watching the kids- we thought we were, maybe not well enough, and that they caused it all? But surely if a 3 year old does (as she said) push or whatever a 10 year old its not OK for him to be whacked with a stick?

OP posts:

hana · 11/04/2007 19:17

at 10 he should have know better and I would have done same....doesn't appear to have very good role models though does he? poor lad
sorry your day was ruined

Aloha · 11/04/2007 19:20

Your dh was absolutely right, he was just unfortunate to come across a seriously crazy and horrible woman. HOnestly, look at the mother, of course her son was behaving horribly, he gets treated horribly himself and has an appalling role model. Sorry your day was ruined, but it was 100% her fault. If she was half-normal she would have apologised and told her son off. She was a nasty nutter.

DimpledThighs · 11/04/2007 19:25

you were right she was nuts

JoanCrawford · 11/04/2007 19:25

IMO, your dh was right to shout. It was instinctive to raise his voice so the boy would stop hitting your son.

I do tell other peoples children off. Well, maybe not tell them off but I cannot help myself saying something if I see a child hit another or are potentially about to harm themselves, or someone else.

I say my dd2 running up the wrong way of the slide today and before I could get to her, someone had told her not to do so. Quite right too I believe.

The woman you encountered today sounds like a terrible mother and I pity her child but he needed to be told his behaviour will not be tolerated by you. People who say nothing are doing him a diservice, I honestly believe.

JoanCrawford · 11/04/2007 19:25

IMO, your dh was right to shout. It was instinctive to raise his voice so the boy would stop hitting your son.

I say my dd2 running up the wrong way of the slide today and before I could get to her, someone had told her not to do so. Quite right too I believe.

deepinlaundry · 11/04/2007 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kimi · 11/04/2007 19:38

PCE, this is terrible, I hope your children are ok.
Oh I hate scummy people like this, and to spit on or at someone is worse then slapping them.
At 10 a child is legally responsible for his or her actions and you could have called the police if he hit your child, (put the fear of god in to him).

I think sometimes the only thing you can do is shout as it is all some types of people know, they don't respond to anything other as they know no better so you have to go to their level. Sounds like your DH just wanted to distract the boy.
Also if the pub is part of a chain and the land lady was not helpful, write to the brewery and complain.

Shame this type of person has to ruin things for so many decent people around.

kimi · 11/04/2007 19:39

Also hope you don't get attacked as I did for complaining about such scum

Gingermonkey · 11/04/2007 19:45

McDonalds uniform eh? Another good reason to avoid those places at all costs

I think my DH would have whacked the kid with the stick TBH, yours did well to just shout. I get so with scum bags and their scummy kids. I know it's not the child's fault, but you'd think school/peers etc would teach a few morals and how to behave with little ones.

Gingermonkey · 11/04/2007 19:48

hello kimi

Olihan · 11/04/2007 19:49

Peachy, I started a thread yesterday asking whether I was right to tell off a 4 year old who was hurting my 3yo in softplay. It was instinctive, to protect ds1 because his mother was being useless. However, I was really worried about what the mother might say. The consensus (like now) is that I was right to do it but it does really scare me that I could get a mouthful of abuse, or worse, for protecting my child. It makes me think twice before I say or do anything, which is wrong. DH doesn't have so many worries and I'm sure he'll get himself into a nasty situation at some point. It's so crap that other parents are so bad that a) they'll stand by and watch their older child hurt a younger one and b) abuse you when you do something about it. What happened to setting a good example to your children? Can you imagine what kind of future that 10 yo has, with her for a mother. It's so sad for him.

princessmel · 11/04/2007 19:55

Oh how horrible for you Peachy . What happened today and your childhood memory

I think your husband was fine to shout. He probably just wanted to make him listen and stop what he was doing.
It could have been very dangerous if they'd ended up in the road. Obviously

BandofMothers · 11/04/2007 19:56

She was crazy, your DH was right. I would've told him off, but I would probably also have told her off and got thrown out. So would DH.

My friend once told off a 4yr old for takimg a toy off my 3yo. I had baby stuck to my boob and couldn't. She took the toy off the boy and explained very nicely that he really shouldn't take it away from the girl who is smaller than he is.
She sat back down and the "nan" came over.
"Why were you telling off a 4 yo, what do you think you were doing, he's only 4 you know blah, blah."
My frind turned round totally unintimidated by loud mouthed nan, and said really loud herself, but oviously not shouting, "Yes well the little girl he took the toy from and pushed was only 3."
I nearly cheered.

electra · 11/04/2007 19:56

Your dh was definitely in the right. I came across some children today in ELC who tried to terrorise my 3 year old who was minding her own business. She was bewildered by their nasty, totally unprovoked aggression and I told them off, politely but mainly so that my dd realised that they were the ones with the problem, not her. Their mother was outside, smoking (using ELC as a creche evidently). People like this seem to be everywhere to spoil people's days unfortunately.

Original poster

PeachyChocolateEClair · 11/04/2007 20:07

Actually this Mum was smoking over the kids too (her business only if away from them of course). But i hope nobody thinks I called them scum- I have real and genuine sympathy for this child, he has zero chance- if my boys ahd raised a finger to them or said a word I'd have told them off. But they can be troublesome- DS1 has a statement due at school to give him support in then playgorund and it has since transpired that they go to the same school so I wonder if something carried across? On the only occasions I have known DS's to cause trouble though I have apologosed profusely and made the boys send in home amde sorry cards. Thsi owman was yelling ds3 bit her child ( she staretd about 30 minutes later about that. I cant ask ds3 (he's non verbal) but theres no precedent for it, and it was bizarre that he discoverd it so late. In normal circumstances
I would ahve gone over, apologised, maybe bought her ds a drink or treat, but the only time ti culd have happeneded (if it did) is when he has trapped ds3 in the bins area, and he was scared (we ahd to getpast him and his mate who were guarding to get ds3 back).

I should have added that to the original message but i am not convinced it happened, thought I should add it though out of a sense of fullness. We were watching them though, only time we couldnt see them was when they were in the playhouse.

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 11/04/2007 20:11

It's still unreasonable. My dd1 is 3 and would be quite scared to be trapped and unable to get back to me

princessmel · 11/04/2007 20:14

Agree with BOM

Gingermonkey · 11/04/2007 20:17

Even if your ds3 did bite, he is the 3 yr old, right? If I was cornered by someone a lot bigger than me I may want to bite too (especially if your DS3 is non verbal - he can't exactly say 'please go away, you are scaring me', can he?)
I also feel sorry for the 10 year old, but at 10 years old children are old enough to know right from wrong, whether their parents are scum or not.

electra · 11/04/2007 20:17

Don't feel bad peachy - this is in no way your fault

kimi · 11/04/2007 20:21

Hello GM, where have you been hiding????

Greenleeves · 11/04/2007 20:24

I have reprimanded other people's kids, very briefly and as gently as possible, if they were endangering or hurting my kids and no adult was coming forward to take responsibility. I don't like doing it, it scares the shit out of me frankly and I doubt it's very nice for the child to be told off by a stranger, but needs must!!

How awful for your dh Peachy . I'm not sure what else he could have done though.

OttersPool · 11/04/2007 20:25

i want mine told off by others -within limits

kimi · 11/04/2007 20:26

DS2 got bitten on holiday a few years ago (drew blood) by a bigger child who's mother was sat doing nothing to supervise her child, (this boy had had a go at almost every other child on this wooden play castle) so I told him off at the top of my voice. Said "if you bite my child again I will bite you."
Mother got off her arse and took him away then so the rest of the children could play nicely, and two of the other mums came over and said, thank god someone said something, he has been biting and hitting everyone!!! Did wonder why they had all just let him do it and no one said anything till I did!

Original poster

PeachyChocolateEClair · 11/04/2007 20:27

GM yes he's the 3 year old (well 4 in July) non verbal sn, probably Asd bt thats not really an excuse- biting if it happened is horrid. But its why we watch like hawks as well.

OP posts:

kimi · 11/04/2007 20:30

Also, if my sons are doing something wrong I do not mind them being told off by another adult.

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