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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to raise this with DD's Teacher at Parents Evening?

54 replies

ClothEaredBint · 17/10/2017 14:58

DD is 8 and in yr4.

She's been coming home quite unhappy recently and when I asked her, she said no-one wanted to play with her at school, when I probed a bit further, its the boys telling her to go away because she's a girl and they don't want to play with her... but because she's not 'girly' enough, the girls don't want to play with her either.

DD is quite boyish, she'd much rather hang around with the boys playing footballs, superhero's and dinosaurs, she's no interest in dolls and playing 'mommies and daddys' with the girls (using her words here) and is quite upset that she's being left out.

Its parents evening tomorrow, do you think its worth raising with her teacher about perhaps having a chat with the class about not leaving people out because they're the opposite sex in an attempt to encourage the boys to include her in their games?

OP posts:

2014newme · 17/10/2017 17:05

Bless her I'd call tomorrow don't wait for another hard day by herself on the playground to go by. But she does sound dismissive of the girls.

Original poster

ClothEaredBint · 17/10/2017 17:07

"But what you say your DD has told you is not believable"

Sorry brasty but you don't get to say that when its what she said to me, i'm not making anything up tyvm!

OP posts:

brasty · 17/10/2017 17:09

Yes she may have said that to you, but they will not be playing that. They are too old for that kind of play. So as suggested by another poster, is she disdainful of the other girls?

0hDeer · 17/10/2017 17:19

Agree you should raise it before parents' evening as teacher will be much less distracted, and you could ask for an update at parents evening.

crwox · 17/10/2017 17:33

My nearly 8 year old would still play mummies and daddies Most of the games she tends to play in the playground are very imaginative games - involving both girls and boys, and people from different classes.

I would mention it, especially because she's upset about it.

Is she giving the girls games a chance or are they just not including her to begin with?

2014newme · 17/10/2017 17:37

Your dd is likely year 3 no year 4 though if she is 7.

brasty · 17/10/2017 17:40

Lots of kids will play younger games at home, but not in school in front of lots of other kids.

AlternativeTentacle · 17/10/2017 17:43

Yes she may have said that to you, but they will not be playing that. They are too old for that kind of play. So as suggested by another poster, is she disdainful of the other girls?

Fucking hell. Distainful? Jesus. She's 8. And she is being ostracised.

Ttbb · 17/10/2017 17:48

Definitely raise it. The teacher is probably already aware but just in case she isn't it's good to bring it up. Maybe suggest that she pairs your daughter with a variety of children so that she can get to know them all better. It's not bullying though, so don't be one of those parents.

crwox · 17/10/2017 17:48

I'm in Scotland - she's in P4 which I'm sure is the equivalent to year 4 in England.
I would be first to admit she's immature compared to some girls though.
I just didn't think it was that uncommon for an 8 year old to play those type of games.

2014newme · 17/10/2017 17:51

Year 4 is age 8-9 in England

brasty · 17/10/2017 17:52

The OP has not said she is being ostracised by the girls, she said she is being ostracised by the boys.

Original poster

ClothEaredBint · 17/10/2017 17:54

actually brasty, I said the girls won't play with her either.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2017 17:55

I would raise it but bear in mind, forcing kids to play with other kids when they don't want to, doesn't tend to work very well.

noenergy · 17/10/2017 17:56

P4 in N. Ireland is year 3 in England

I would speak to the teacher asap.

My DD was being left out in the playground but teacher then spoke to class about not leaving people out and things improved vastly

brasty · 17/10/2017 17:57

Apologies, I had not realised

FizzyGreenWater · 17/10/2017 18:05

crwox they're a year out.

Scottish P5 is Year 4 in England. It's because Reception is called P1 in Scotland, therefore P2 = year one, etc.

crwox · 17/10/2017 18:06

Year 4 is age 8-9 in England
Yeah that's same here - all the older children in her class are turning 9 from January, even though she's only turning 8 in November.

Original poster

ClothEaredBint · 17/10/2017 18:06

Worra I know, don't want them to do that. They've got a play leader scheme where the yr6 students are supposed to be around to support children like DD, so I think i'll raise it with that in mind.

I think some of the issue is she plays with her big brother a lot, but he's now in yr6 and they have their own playground.

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 17/10/2017 18:06

It's tricky. Insisting that the boys include her may need to be policed. When I was I TA we insisted that the 'football' boys let anyone play that wanted to at break/dinner. So others weren't actually told to go away but nobody passed to them either. It was the usual culprits playing football with a few others running around aimlessly!

crwox · 17/10/2017 18:10

FizzyGreenWater thank you I was just going on age but I suppose the changes within a year are big.

RidiculousDiversion · 17/10/2017 18:11

This ^^. Both my dds would like to play football at break time. The boys either refuse outright or make it no fun by not passing to the girls, or all being on one team (so the one girl is left by herself) or other charming behaviour. They also dominate (as in, not let others play on) other playground games - the only bit the girls dominate is the monkey bars, out of about six 'zones'.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 17/10/2017 18:13

My daughter is 8 and in p4 too. She has friends from school (slightly older than she is) who still play mummies and daddies. My daughter has outgrown her dolls and has donated most of them to charity. She kept one special doll and her dolls pram for her friend who likes to play with them when she is over.

My daughter and her school 'bestie' are self confessed tomboys (I think they are more a balance between girly and tomboy) and they spend breaks holding singing competitions, dance competitions, playing tag or getting super strong on the outdoor apparatus 😂. She gets very upset if the boys don't let her join in their games. It has definitely been more of an issue this year.

We have also had issues with frenemies and rejection/ teasing by other children. I bought some great books to help her develop social skills/ responses for different situations and they have really helped! She now stands up for herself if someone is mean/ rude and is happier as a result.

If your daughter is struggling socially she might benefit from similar books. Alternatively if your dd is miserable, I thoroughly recommend looking at changing schools. My daughter was miserable in her old school, most girls were very girly and not as sporty/ active as she is. My daughter tried to 'be like' the other girls but was miserable. The school were also failing my dd educationally, so we made the choice to move our dd to a smaller rural school. There are not many children in the school and as a result they are more open to playing together. The girls in the school seem similar to my dd, in that they are not girly/ tomboy but more in between.

Fabulousdahlink · 17/10/2017 18:19

Why not ask if she can help to set up a' lunchtime club' with something she is interested in? That way she can be active in making new friendships with things she IS interested in? Far more proactive!

KurriKurri · 17/10/2017 18:19

but they will not be playing that. They are too old for that kind of play.

What a ludicrous and rigid attitude - there's a wide variety in what 8 yr olds (boys or girls) play - to suggest they are too old for dolls is bonkers - I kow loads of 8yr old who play with Barbies, Sylvanians, action man, playmobile, little lego people etc etc. It's just imaginitive, pretend play.
Yes they will also be playing other games, but to declare children 'too old' for ceratin types of play is terribly restricting and harmful.

But that's a side issue. I think a chat with the teacher might be a good idea OP. Maybe some chat about including people in team type games (I am sure there will be others boys and girls who are being excluded from these and would like to join in).

I've not come a cross such a complete division into "girly" games and 'boyish' games - and I've worked a lot with children. It might be that your DD is making some assumptions as to what the other girls are playing which aren't correct.

It might be worth the teacher also having a group chat where the children can talk about what they like to play - they may all discover shared interests come from unexpected quarters.

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