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AIBU?

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Original poster

How fucking dare he **MNHQ warning at OP's request: distressing content**

79 replies

NaiceToMeetYou · 17/10/2017 11:50

The 'metoo' thing has got me thinking about my own rape 19 years ago. Without going into detail, there were a few men involved, and after being assaulted I was urinated on. (Not by the rapist). I reported it. The cps decided to try each defendent separately, meaning their statements weren't allowed to be used in each other's trials.
The rape case was first and the defence lawyer made a big point of how I'd immediately got changed after the attack so as to lose any evidence. He knew it was because I was covered in piss and I wasn't allowed to say anything. It makes me so fucking angry that he manipulated things.

I was 14 years old btw. I know I'm not unreasonable.

OP posts:
pallisers · 17/10/2017 12:40

So so sorry OP.

Apart from being believed, this is another reason women don't bother reporting. The young girl who was raped by Roman Polanski says that her experience in court was as bad as the rape itself.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 17/10/2017 12:43

Hi all,

We've added a warning in the thread title as per the OP's request.

Flowers to you, OP.

Ledehe · 17/10/2017 12:48

I'm so sorry you were treated so disgracefully. How can these defence lawyers sleep at night. If there is a hell i hope there is a special place reserved for them.

Thank you for sharing your story Flowers

Bluelonerose · 17/10/2017 12:50

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you Flowers

Trunkisareshite · 17/10/2017 12:52

I'm so sorry this happened to you, even more so that you didn't get justice.

It's so brave of you to share your story, I wish you nothing but the best.

TitaniasCloset · 17/10/2017 12:53

This is horrific. I think you are amazing OP to have survived this Flowers

pinkingshears · 17/10/2017 12:54

Grandma
that is useful info, thank you.

Like the OP, I have had the experience of the original offence and the attempt to get justice. In my case, the CPS wouldn't take it to Court so I didn't realise this.

Lifeofpies · 17/10/2017 12:55

I’m so sorry Naice.

Lifeofpies · 17/10/2017 12:56

I’m so sorry Naice.

mygorgeousmilo · 17/10/2017 12:57

I don't have the experience you've had, but have had the unpleasant memory of watching my friends on the witness stand at 13-14 years old. They had been witnesses to a horrific crime, and myself and a few other friends sat in the gallery as support. The accused mocked the victim's family in the gallery, as the defence team ripped the witness children to shreds, one by one. They just could not make themselves clear. We understood that even at a young age, and don't blame them for it. As they went up one by one, they were made to seem as though their stories weren't straight, which they were, but it was all so quick and scary, everybody got confused and upset. When we're all togther 20+ years later, sometimes we talk about it, and the guilt and confusion is still there. We all try and reassure them that we watched and do not blame them for not saying various things, or just for the way it all panned out. They can't be blamed for that fucking animal being let off, it was a failure of the system, and they were children. So my point is OP, that I've seen this type of thing in progress, and a 14yo has no hope of overcoming a ruthless defence lawyer. Really and truly. I'm so sorry you had to go through not only the terrible attack, but being mistreated by the justice system afterwards. It's outrageous and unfair and cruel. Flowers

ShoesHaveSouls · 17/10/2017 13:04

Thanks Your experience is horrific. Heartbreaking.

I had an experience in court (witness for a friend) where loads of evidence was inadmissible. It seemed so unfair - well it was unfair - why shouldn't the jury hear the whole truth?? It was "inadmissible" because it would "prejudice the jury" Hmm I'm still angry about that now - even though he was found guilty.

Like you, I thought about just blurting it out - but was warned by the police liaison officer that this could result in a mistrial.

Sometimes the justice system just isn't justice.

kateandme · 17/10/2017 13:05

oh hun.big hugs.and I'm sure from many on here too.we are all enveoloping you in one giant hug right now ok.
I'm not saying anyone know quit how you are feeling.but I think I can say with all that's in the news and in general there are many that a feeling vunerable in themselves too right now.and lots of things coming to the surface perhaps subcontiously more than we thought/wish they would right now.
is there anything you think you want or need to do right now or just needed to talk and vent it off your chest?
what happened to you remember is not your fault.you were treated wrongly and appalingly and disgustingly at every level.
its not all like that.and help isn't all like that ok.you can trust and you can be helped and loved and cared for through this.
I'm sickened for you.
years eek minutes after events happen we remember them and thin kon them.so when something so significant happens to you your tohave them come drown you thinking again.and thatok.try to let them come and then sit kindly with them knowing your still here.how brave and amazing is that.yie fough to survive.and you have.so you have won.
keep fighting.be kind to yourself today.snuggle up or do stuff that makes u feel good.

GorgeousLadyOfWrangling · 17/10/2017 13:07

How fucking dare he indeed. Absolutely breaks my heart for you OP.
Flowers So so sorry love. Justice system fucked up.

kateandme · 17/10/2017 13:08

sorry bout typos my webs going spitty

sarahjconnor · 17/10/2017 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2017 13:14

My heart goes out to you. What vile, filthy pigs. Flowers

StaplesCorner · 17/10/2017 13:15

Nothing has changed has it, this happened to the OP 19 years ago, but I bet little or nothing has changed. What can we do? Is there something that solicitors or barristers could do, some change they could bring about? I think the injustice is overwhelming. I am so sorry OP, you are one strong woman.

blackteasplease · 17/10/2017 13:15

This may not help you at all op but that defo wouldn't be allowed now.

There are some cases that would be tried separately depending on the circumstances (but rare in the case you describe).

The defence lawyer would never be able to make a play of something you couldn't answer these days - he/ she would have to make a tactical decision as to whether to shut up about it or whether to have the urinating mentioned.

Things have moved on alot albeit still far from perfect.

So sorry about what happened to you.

bettytaghetti · 17/10/2017 13:21

I have no words for how you were treated in both situations. So sorry Naice Flowers

lemonsandlimes123 · 17/10/2017 13:24

I feel for you as you are obviously distressed but your anger is wholly misdirected. Your anger needs to be for those who committed the offence not those who are carrying out a professional role which is a difficult but vital part of our judicial system.

As for the poster who said there should be a special place in hell for defence lawyers. Shame on you.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/10/2017 13:26

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP - like a PP I was a witness to a crime 10 years ago and my experience of giving evidence has left me with a deep distrust of the "justice" system, goodness knows how you coped with that on top of being attacked.

diddl · 17/10/2017 13:29

That is awful.

I'm really surprised that he was allowed to assume/guess at why you did something.

Most people wouldn't be surprised to hear that a victim of rape had changed their clothes/showered/not reported immediately...

ElsieMc · 17/10/2017 13:34

This is terrible to read op. My dd suffered similar and gave birth to a child at 15. He was acquitted in family court and the CPS said as the only evidence was he-said, she-said, it had a low prospect of success.

He then applied for contact with our gs and got it. He and his vile family are still in our lives.

The family court proceedings were absolutely terrible and I will never get over them. He smirked and swore at us in the court room. Because we were not believe, there was nothing at all to prevent contact.

A few years down the line, he went on to attack a disabled man and later someone he nearly killed. He still avoided prison despite gbh charges. His wife left him citing dv. The police rang me asking if I knew of any attachment on his part to a certain area of town. I had to be truthful, I did not. It appeared another 14 year old had made a similar complaint, had been taken to a house on this estate, but was confused when taken back. I did not know at the time that he had bought a house there.

By the way, you have to sit in the same waiting room as your opponent in family court. We were mocked, laughed at and when called into court they stuck their legs out for me to trip over. Throughout the hearing he kicked the back of my seat.

Believe in karma op. I hope you can move on.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/10/2017 13:42

Have you ever been a witness in a court case lemons? Or been a victim of a crime and had to be cross examined?

I'm 100% for a robust justice system, but the way I was treated as a witness was horrific - it felt like being thrown to the lions. I think OP and others here are perfectly within their rights to be angry at how the system works when victims are subject to abuse and not protected from their attackers.

This is the problem with adversarial court system - you get two lawyers playing to win and screw anyone else that gets in the way and trampled to do that. It's inhumane, particularly in rape cases which could use the French legal method to protect victims instead.

Arseface · 17/10/2017 13:45

Oh Naice, I'm crying. You brave brave woman. I wish I could go back in time and tell your 14yr old self how fucking amazing you were to get up in court like that.
We all have to keep hammering away at this. Both women and decent men.
Things have got to change.