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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have never had a cuddle from my 4 year old

85 replies

RogerThatOver · 16/10/2017 21:40

My 4 year old has never given me a cuddle. She doesn't like to be touched and certainly not embraced or kissed. She will sit on my lap but usually is climbing all over me within ten seconds. She has no empathy for others at all and will reply to 'I love you' with 'well I don't love you' Confused Tonight she sat on my lap and I looked into her eyes and told her I love her and she pushed me in the face and laughed. She seems to genuinely not understand that that hurts and looks bewildered when I told her it did. I see other 4 year olds running up to parents and grandparents after nursery and I'm starting to feel sad about the lack of affection. She shows that she loves me in that she loves spending time with me, draws me pictures, is polite and so on and I know some people are naturally less affectionate but AIBU to think her behaviour is unusual here?

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 16/10/2017 22:31

My ds1 hates being cuddled and doesn't like cuddling others - he's hypersensitive to the sensation of pressure. He's also very hypermobile, so being picked up under the armpits as a baby genuinely used to hurt him, because it would pull his shoulders out of joint a bit. He's a teenager, now, and I've given up trying to cuddle him. The only person he will tolerate giving him cuddles is his younger cousin, because he knows he can't stop him and it makes his cousin happy! He's unusual in many ways, but has friends at school, does well academically, is happy just the way he is (doesn't appear to give a toss what anyone else thinks of him) and endearingly eccentric! My ds2 is extremely cuddly, which makes up for the lack of cuddles able to be given to or received from ds1.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 16/10/2017 22:45

She had delayed speech but her comprehension is excellent and she's extremely bright. However, she's a perfectionist and will be distraught if she makes a mistake in her work and struggle to move on from it.

She has no sympathy for others pain. After I gave birth to baby DS she was not remotely bothered that I was in pain but was preoccupied and disgusted by seeing me losing blood in the shower. She has no tact and will often tell her older sister she looks a mess or her picture isn't very good then look bewildered when her sister is upset by these comments.

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 16/10/2017 22:48

Have a chat with your GP and with nursery, I work with autistic children and the lack of affection and empathy, with the eye contact and mumbling is worth looking at.

Alternatively she might just not like to be touched, I really hated people hugging me as a kid, even now i struggle, my kids hugging me is nice, kids at work hugging me is ok but I can't stand being hugged by adults, there's no big reason to it, I just don't like it. I haven't hugged my parents since I was 3/4 years old, I love them very much.

CherriesInTheSnow · 16/10/2017 22:49

All that info is definitely enough to have a talk with your GP for a referral or your HV. Good luck Flowers

BlueSapp · 16/10/2017 22:50

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Original poster
RogerThatOver · 16/10/2017 22:53

I don't know enough about autism to say it could be that. I just know her behaviour is unusual compared to her siblings and peers. She doesn't like any physical contact except on her terms - like when she climbs on me but will not acknowledge that it hurts or I don't like it.

OP posts:
BlueSapp · 16/10/2017 22:55

Have you thought about the doctor before now?

toopeoply · 16/10/2017 22:57

Hmm I have a child like this. Has to be told to hug her dad or sibilng (quick goodnight one). Even then she's like a board, leans over, no arms etc. It's painful. No idea why. I hope you get answers op

SingingMySong · 16/10/2017 22:58

My DS is being assessed for autism. He's 8. He doesn't like hugs either but will sit on my lap a bit. We recently discovered he loves being squeezed hard! So now we are allowed to hug him, as long as it's not a hug but a squeeze.

I wouldn't want to leap to conclusions - your DD is only 4. It could well be within NT range for her age to lack tact and have her level of social skills, and I'm pretty sure perfectionism is a common trait among YRs and Y1s. But if your gut is telling you it might be something more, get it looked into.

steppemum · 16/10/2017 22:59

The cuddle thing on its own isn't unusual, but the total of the other things you mention do point towards aspergers.
lack of empathy for others
not understanding how her comments are understood
not understanding someone else is hurt
not liking physical contact
perfectionist, struggles with mistakes
overwhelmed by physical sensation eg wind on way to nursery

It might not be, but have a look at aspergers in girls and see if any of it fits

Whinesalot · 16/10/2017 22:59

I had a dd who didn't like cuddles but was eventually jealous at age 8ish of her db who did like them. We had just grown out of the habit of offering them to her as she wasn't really interested at a younger age

Worth checking out the aspergers just in case.

CrochetBelle · 16/10/2017 23:01

OP have you tried different types of touch. Some children can be incredibly uncomfortable with hugs, but love deep pressure.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 16/10/2017 23:01

Honestly, you haven't thought of autism or asperger's, with those symptoms?

There is no shame in seeking a diagnosis. If your dd is non neurotoxicity, it will benefit her in being able to access specialist help. She will still be your lovely and loved dd.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 16/10/2017 23:02

Bloody hell - non-neurotypical

Whinesalot · 16/10/2017 23:02

It's harder to diagnose aspergers in girls as they often are better at copying social behaviours than similar boys even though they don't understand why they are doing it.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 16/10/2017 23:04

I have spoken to her nursery, they say only wanting to play alongside others but not with is totally age appropriate.

OP posts:
coconuttella · 16/10/2017 23:06

I don't know enough about autism to say it could be that

Well, you're (presumably) not an expert so you wouldn't know enough.... but there are more than enough issues here for there to be a reasonable likelihood that she has ASD. I understand your reluctance to recognise this though.

Ttbb · 16/10/2017 23:06

My very cuddly three year f say I don't love you when he is cross so it may be normal to not understand how hurtful it is?

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/10/2017 23:08

I am also going to mention Aspergers. My 6 yo DS has it but it is much more difficult to diagnose in girls. I recognise a lot of things you say OP from when he was younger, things have massively improved now, along with my understanding of the condition and being able to support him. He is very affectionate towards me and his sister, but not with other family members or friends. It took til he was about 4 before his grandfather could give him a hug of sorts. Please seek a referral as I truly believe that is your first step forward. Good luck Flowers

Sashkin · 16/10/2017 23:08

Op lots of people have said it could be Autism or Aspergers and you haven’t even addressed this, are you concerned? Or are hoaxing here?

I thought that was the point of the OP? Because she IS concerned....

Dustbunny1900 · 16/10/2017 23:09

Is lack of empathy really an ASD thing?? I thought that was just a "harmful stereotype" (per MN) and it was just missing social cues? And lack of empathy or sympathy or love is more antisocial personality disorder spectrum? Not that I know anything, which is why I ask

Verbena37 · 16/10/2017 23:11

Just in case you’re confused by the different terms given by posters, Aspergers is no longer used as a diagnostic term and is mostly now called high functioning autism or ASD. It’s just preference as to what people call it.

It does sound as though your dd is showing signs of ASD.
My DS now 12 was diagnosed in 2016 and to outsiders, nobody would guess he had it as he masks it so well.

As a toddler and preschooler, he wouldn’t play with toys as they are meant but instead, would line them up and then leave them.....for weeks or months and we weren’t allowed to move them!
His speech was delayed in pronunciation and then his lack of interactive communication skills (particularly in knowing how to carry on a conversation) became much more obvious. He is constantly looking to me and duck for reassurance as to what to say next....even with people he knows quite well.

From what you described, I would suggest asking your HV to arrange an assessment for you. Honestly, it’s better knowing now before starting school if she has any difficulties than waiting and then trying to get support years from now when school becomes a struggle.

Read up on autism on the National Autistic Society website. They’re really good and do have a good helpline. Also check out sensory processing websites.....your dd climbing and jumping over you a lot may be her trying to fulfill her need for sensory feedback. Try getting her a mini gym ball to sit and gently bounce on and other things that might give her that feedback.

OnlyParentsAreReal · 16/10/2017 23:13

I would definitely get that checked out by a specialist at the hospital. It could be a symptom of many things and early intervention is key. My child hates being touched but we've been working on it since I realised (before he was one) and now he's just about to turn 4 he will happily hug me and a few others you just have to be careful with how you hug him back and you can't initiate it.

wobblywonderwoman · 16/10/2017 23:20

It is harder to recognise in girls (it may not be ASD)

I think I would chat to gp. Better to rule it out and if she needs support / better to get it early.

GrockleBocs · 16/10/2017 23:23

Dust ime the empathy thing manifests as misplaced empathy. So not showing it when someone close to them is upset (too much to deal with) but over-empathising with things that aren't needy (like a cardboard box). It's about pressure and expectation.

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