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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unexpected guest

35 replies

Anxioustabbycat · 16/10/2017 19:42

In tear that exhausted and ashamed probably being BU.

I have been on night duty over weekend my house is a tip today. I have 3 children a messy husband and I have been at work. I finished work this morning and have had 3 hours sleep. ( no cleaner and not had time yet to tackle situation)
My oldest children do swimming after school Monday so I take them to swimming and my mother picks my toddler up from Nursery brings her home and waits with her for about the 20min until I get home with older children.
Today I came home to find my mother had bought her Australian cousin along but neglected to warn me.
Firstly walking in and finding a strange ( but very unthreatening middle aged ) lady sitting on the ( messy) sofa made me scream.
But the shame I had a basket of ironing to do in the middle of the room. Child 1 had left his dirty socks on the sofa ( he took them off in the gap between getting in from school and going out again). Kitchen a mess, recycling bin needs emptying, toys everywhere.
I have never met this relative before and now the impression I have given is a bad housekeeper without makeup and messy hair who is stressed and screamed. Sad
AIBU to be cross and upset with my mother. Or because she does me the favor of helping I have to suck it up. So embarrassed about my house. I always make it perfect if I have guests and tend to be more presentable also. Do Australians have messy houses ever? SadConfusedBlush

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 16/10/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clippityclock · 16/10/2017 19:51

I think its your husband you should be angry at for not cleaning over the weekend you were working nights tbh!

If I'd walked into your house and knew that you had been working nights shifts I would made judgements on your husband not your house or you.

Pru24 · 16/10/2017 19:53

Awww i feel your pain ( as im sure many mums/australians do lol) as i also have a messy chaotic house until the time presents its self to do it all or like you said, when guests are coming over! I think ur reaction to walking in & finding this scenario is normal when this clearly bothers you but i personally dont think you should be annoyed with ur mum, its our own need to have it a certain way wen people come over & i know that even wen iv spent ages cleaning up ready for guests, they either dont care & just want to see you or the kids come in 10min later, create the huge mess again & again ur guest still doesnt care lol ur relative will know that ur embarressed & that u obviously would of taken time to do it if u could of. We let too many silly things like housework (which will wait forever when life doesnt) spoil things that really matter, like time enjoyed with ur relative! Life is more enjoyable when we stopping making issues of things that dont matter in the long run!

MaidOfStars · 16/10/2017 19:55

I wouldn't have remotely judged you, OP. I'm yet to see a house containing multiple children that looks like a show home. No need to be ashamed.

But agree that maybe your husband might have pulled his finger out a bit at the weekend.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2017 19:57

Omg, I totally understand. I would die a thousand deaths and I would take my idiot mother along with me. I would want to KILL her. You poor thing. At the end of your tether and then THIS.

KnockMeDown · 16/10/2017 19:58

Honestly, I think you are overreacting. Will you ever see this person again? Does her opinion of you actually matter? I bet she completely understood that you are a busy working mum, and you didn't know that she was coming. I think you should chill, lower your standards a little, delegate some of the chores, and be a bit more kind to yourself!

BrewCakeFlowers

TwitterQueen1 · 16/10/2017 20:02

OMG shock horror! How will you live with the shame OP? A basket of ironing in the room. Terrible.

Guests to my house take me as they find me. And I make no apologies, ever, for how my house looks. It's my house. And - joking aside - I prefer to focus on making guests feel welcome and at home, not apologising and falling over myself trying to explain why my house might be less than perfect. The role of a hostess is to welcome and embrace, not make a guest feel uncomfortable because they've arrived unexpectedly.
Chill. There are worse things than a pair of child's socks on the sofa.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/10/2017 20:02

If you went to visit a friend you wouldn't blink an eye at that mess..it is just life. But we feel it worse when its our own house. She was probably glad to be in a regular home seeing a regular family on a Monday. Forget about it.

FAkenameforthis · 16/10/2017 20:02

I’m assuming that you knew this relative was visiting from Australia. Did you imagine she’d stay at home?

It’s fine though. It really doesn’t matter. The relative will have had similar moments in her life. Just get on with your day and put it behind you

clippityclop · 16/10/2017 20:04

They came to see you and the children, not your home which sounds pretty normal to me. Is your relationship with MiL generally good otherwise? While it's strange that she didn't tell you she was bringing her cousin I wouldn't bother about it. How long is she over for? Perhaps she could come over for meal another day. Get your husband and the kids to tidy up beforehand.

BenLui · 16/10/2017 20:08

I would have been embarrassed too but I’m sure your visitor wouldn’t have thought anything of it.

Why on earth didn’t your Mum warn you? It’s a bit odd to invite someone into your house without prior notice.

chinam · 16/10/2017 20:10

YANBU. This would drive me insane.

Leamington99 · 16/10/2017 20:13

Your mother should have asked if she could come over, let alone bring a random friend. At the very least she could have given the house a quick go over if she’s that comfortable with your house.

I sympathise with you as I’m very house proud as well. But it probably came across as mess from your kids to your guest

JaneEyre70 · 16/10/2017 20:16

When my 3 were little our house looked like a missile had hit it most days, and I was a SAHM Shock. It's not much better now they're all in their late teens! I'm always very suspicious envious of people with kids and tidy homes Grin

Maelstrop · 16/10/2017 20:18

I'd rather clean up before guests arrived, but I wouldn't be too horrified. I would be a bit peed off that I'd had no warning about the guest.

Does your dh not help around the house? Mine came off nights this morning, got up at midday, took out the dog, drove to the rental place half an hour away, painted a room then came home and blitzed the kitchen, steam cleaned the floor as we have a mate coming over tomorrow. I'd consider this quite normal.

missymayhemsmum · 16/10/2017 20:18

Well if the cousin was staying it would be a bit wierd not to bring her to meet you and your children?
It doesn't sound like it was disgracefully squalid, OP, but no, yanbu to be annoyed at your mum.

Original poster
Anxioustabbycat · 16/10/2017 20:19

Well I can’t argue with the DH comment! Will blame him when he gets in from work. All his fault.

My mother did mention her cousin coming at some point but was never specific and only mentioned in passing alongside a million other things she talks about. I can’t actually ever get a word in, mum talks a lot.
I also had seen my mother this morning she helps in the gap between DH going to Work and I getting home she didn’t say a thing!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/10/2017 20:20

Why should the mother ask if she can come over when she is doing the dd/op a favour?

TheMaddHugger · 16/10/2017 20:20

I'm Aussie. No judgement here OP

Now onto your Mum bringing unexpected people with her ... ((((Hugs)))

Welwyncitydweller · 16/10/2017 20:26

She won’t have battered an eyelid. I think your description is standard for the house of working parents with a few kids!

MammaTJ · 16/10/2017 20:29

I say 'If you are coming to visit me and my family, then you are welcome, if you are coming to judge my house, then (go away)'

I mean it. Anyone is welcome, anyone coming to judge, is not welcome!

2017SoFarSoGood · 16/10/2017 20:30

Anxioustabbycat I'd be mortified too. DH does always leave his discarded (although thankfully never smelly) socks in the oddest of places. Hot feet, he tells me. I suspect he believes them to be invisible, once removed.

I also have to agree that I would not blink an eye at what you describe - a working home on a Monday. Nothing new there. Would still want to beat DH with a stick for putting me in that situation though. Not MIL. DH. Sounds like he could have done a fair bit to make your Monday a lot easier.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/10/2017 20:30

Bet our husband isn't feeling embarassed or full of shame. Having a messy house isn't some kind of moral failing.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 16/10/2017 20:33

How annoying! It's horrid post nights after three hours sleep, horrendous, poor you. You should be proud of yourself for being up and sentient, looking after children. And actually, that's a hit too much post nights. I don't think I would have even been able to talk.
Just wondering, you say screamed, what do you mean, shouted, cried?

DelphiniumBlue · 16/10/2017 20:37

3 kids, working night shifts, I'd think she be amazed you're still standing! I bet your Mum has bigged up what a great mum you are, how you are juggling everything. If anyone thinks the worse of you for a messy house, it says more about them than you!