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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell this woman about the state of my marriage/divorce?

54 replies

theabysswithin · 16/10/2017 16:55

I live a couple of doors down from an elderly woman who I bump into fairly routinely. She's always been pleasant enough to me and is lovely to my DD and has given her various presents etc, and although she whinges a lot about almost everything I'm quite happy to speak to her.

My H and I separated a couple of years ago, he moved out and we are getting divorced. He's still fairly involved in my DD's life and is at the house fairly regularly for childcare-related reasons (I work FT and he does various pick-ups and drop-offs), so I can imagine there may be times when we could appear to be a couple.

Every time I see her she talks about him in a roundabout way about him which is clearly designed to elicit information about whether or not we're still together. Sometimes she describes him as "your" (exDH) in a way which I feel is an attempt to get me to clarify, and she will say things like "he's obviously a very hands-on dad". Other times she will moan about her own marriage and say she wishes she'd "done what you did years ago."

Last time but one I saw her she started talking about another couple she knew who had separated and said it was a shame they weren't able to open up to the rest of the "community" and get the support they needed. It felt like a dig.

All of this is delivered in front of my DD as I'm always with her when I see this woman. I have no wish to discuss my marriage with her as I don't know her and don't want her gossiping to other neighbours about it. I certainly don't want to talk about it in front of my DD. I don't want to be rude to her and tell her to butt out as she's clearly lonely and trying to have a bit of a gossip. But it's got to the stage where I dread bumping into her.

Am I really being that un-neighbourly in refusing to talk to next door about this? I am starting to feel resentful about being put on the spot all the time about it.

OP posts:
Goshthatwentwell · 16/10/2017 17:53

Well she doesn't have to have the ins and out of your past relationship but she probably wouldn't be half as nosy if you had just said "we're divorced". Now she's probably thinking there's a huge benefit scam or he's part time lover or something.
Of course you don't have to say a thing. Your right entirely. Doesn't mean people won't ask though.

I'm sure you discussed it with your daughter but her reality of the situation is not the same as yours. He will always be her dad whereas he isn't going to be your husband any more. She doesn't have to be upset or disappointed like you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/10/2017 17:55

She might be worried about putting her foot in it when making small talk.

It is odd that you can't say something like "Yes it's nice that he is still so involved even though we are divorced."

Or in response to the comment about the other person separating "Oh I completely understand that point of view, I never talk about my divorce, I don't want to be the gossip of the week."

There are loads of ways you can confirm that yes you are divorced in an appropriate way in front of your DD without sharing anything personal and shutting her down from probing for more.

notacooldad · 16/10/2017 17:59

If some random stranger kept pushing themselves unwanted and uninvited into my life in search of gossip

The woman isn't some random though is she?
She is a women that the Op sees quite a bit of. She says so in the OP if you read it.
She has frequent conversations with her, so the elderly lady isn't excatly some one the OP has just bumped into!

Original poster
theabysswithin · 16/10/2017 18:00

Angrybird this is one of the things which stops me from leaving London. I couldn't deal with that sort of stickybeakery and judginess. In the 21st century FFS.

RunRabbit you're right and a normal person would have done this. I find this sort of oblique messaging sending really really difficult to do. I can't bring myself to do it.

OP posts:
BellaNoche · 16/10/2017 18:01

OP
You have every right not to want your personal life discussed in front of your daughter. None of your neighbours business I agree.

Fine to be polite but yes, I too keep them at a distance. I have a similar situation in that I am almost full time carer for two little ones.

Her-across-the-road brought over a musty decades old child's grubby reading book ( found in the garage apparently)when we first moved in- as an excuse to try and grill me.

I just said in a kindly but firm way that it was a family matter and not something discussed with people we don't really know.

If you don't want to talk about it then that is totally up to you, what's it got to do with her anyway?

Flowers
carefreeeee · 16/10/2017 18:01

I don't think you are unreasonable not to want to talk about it. It can be difficult though. I have a work colleague who's forever asking the most nosy questions and it's really difficult to avoid answering without feeling rude, even though it's her who's being rude by being so nosy. I don't think you should feel obliged to talk about your personal business to anyone ever, whether it's sensitive or not. Personally I'm happy to tell people everything but on my own terms only. I think this is fairly normal!

Original poster
theabysswithin · 16/10/2017 18:03

notacooldad she's not a random in the sense that I don't know her from Adam, its true. But she's not a friend. I have never been into her home nor she into mine.

There's also just something about the way its done that I find really off-putting. If were in a scenario where I felt I was in control of the situation and could tell her I think I'd be OK. It's the way she probes me on it which makes me wince. The fact that her own (very long) marriage is also clearly in disastrous shape makes me suspect its an opportunity to segue into a discussion about how rubbish men are/what a terrible life we women have and I don't feel this is particularly healthy for my DD to hear. I really don't want to get roped into a "we must carry the burden of being women" discussion.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2017 18:09

I would avoid this clucking hen like the plague. Don't listen to ANYONE who says you're being unreasonable for not sharing your private information. What you choose to share is YOUR choice and this woman is clearly a nosy busybody.

Ttbb · 16/10/2017 18:13

YANBU. It's your business. If you wanted to talk about it you would, she has no right to press you like that. You are also under no obligation to be friends with her.

notacooldad · 17/10/2017 00:24

To be honest I'm really not sure why you have posted in AIBU.
You don't think you are and wouldn't be willing to change your view by the sounds of it and are happy not telling the lady anything so what's your point?

CoughLaughFart · 17/10/2017 00:38

Notacooldad - the OP has already said she finds the polarised views interesting. She's obviously listening to them, but that doesn't mean she's going to be swayed by any of them.

CoughLaughFart · 17/10/2017 00:40

If it was me I'd make up some really outlandish version of events and enjoy watching her drool like a starving dog being offered a big gossipy steak.

BarbarianMum · 17/10/2017 01:40

I don't really know why being separated or divorced would be more private than being married/a couple but you don't have to discuss stuff openly with anyone. Just be aware that your dd will pick up on any negative feelings you have around your situation. Kids always do.

Atenco · 17/10/2017 04:15

Totally your decision OP what you tell this woman or anyone else, but nosy neighbours can be very valuable. I live in a country of nosy neighbours and of course it has its downside, but everyone looks out for each other too and you never know when that can come in useful.

WHATISTHISNIGHTMARE · 17/10/2017 05:46

You are totally not being unreasonable OP - your neighbour sounds nosy and annoying. Help from the community Hmm? You'll access that when and if you need it and ask for it.

It's not that I want to keep it a secret, I just want to be in control of when I do and don't talk about it and with whom.

Totally with you on this.

I am getting separated as well and there are friends across the street that I have said nothing to for fear of their possible prying / titillated reaction.

I also don't like it when people say they are "so sorry". Makes me feel like I have died or something.

Original poster
theabysswithin · 17/10/2017 06:19

notacooldad
Not at all -- I've given some serious thought to whether I should talk to her about it. The great thing about AIBU is that it does push you to challenge your own mindset. Enough people have been surprised at my reluctance to talk about it that its made me ask myself some tough questions about whether I'm being repressed or refusing to face up to my separation.

Ultimately I'm still not crazy about sharing with her but it has been a helpful exercise.

OP posts:
tickingthebox · 17/10/2017 06:27

A few parents a school have done what you are doing - and it leaves me embarrassed when you don't exactly know if parents are together or not. Simple questions become a minefield. I don't want to know the ins and outs of the marriage but more a summary to help me not put my foot in it!

outofmydepth45 · 17/10/2017 06:32

It sounds like there are a lot of assumptions around the neighbours intents. It sounds like your happy to accept gifts for your daughter.

It sounds like your divorce is a secret and your daughter will pick up on that, it sounds like you judge yourself for your divorced status.

Don't see why 'we are divorced but co-parent' is secret

outofmydepth45 · 17/10/2017 06:33

So many sounds sorry!

Original poster
theabysswithin · 17/10/2017 06:42

tickingthebox but that is based on the assumption that you are required to take a position or make a comment on my marital status in the first place. Best way not to put a foot in it is just to not ask questions about my marital state. Why is my marital state relevant to my parenting of my child or my child's education or school social life? It's not unless you need to liaise with her dad on a pick-up at a different location or something. Even then its just logistics, not specifics of the marriage. Otherwise completely not relevant.

I'm always slightly suspicious of people pulling this "putting my foot in it" line -- just don't ask/comment on it and you won't put your foot in it. I'll tell you when I'm ready/when its relevant, otherwise its just not up for comment or discussion.

OP posts:
eurochick · 17/10/2017 06:52

I'm surprised by many of the comments on here. It's none of the woman's business. I think a "why do you need to know that" or change of subject is the best way forward.

Kailoer · 17/10/2017 08:03

I'm shocked by some response s

Op does not owe the woman anything

Living near someone doesn't give a right to know personal, potentially upsetting, details of a private life. Nor does ignoring clear signals of crossing a boundary

It sounds like you'd be better to distance yourself op. Or use the suggestions of "why do you ask", "oh what a private question! Why do you want to know" etc

RainyApril · 17/10/2017 08:23

If she's as nosy a you say, then she definitely already knows that you've separated. Don't you think she notices when he arrives and leaves?

Her comment about 'I should've done what you did years ago' also suggests she knows.

If she's lonely or isolated then she probably doesn't have a lot to talk about. All she knows about you is that you're separated and have got children, hence all conversations come back to those facts. She may admire you, or want you to know that she's available for practical support.

I wouldn't overthink it really.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/10/2017 08:51

Don't see why 'we are divorced but co-parent' is secret

Its also nobody's business except the OP's and those directly involved or affected. The neighbour is neither of those.

Just because something isn't "a secret" doesn't mean it isn't private. This is a similar argument to the old chestnut "if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear" - there are a whole range of aspects of people's lives which are simply private and they are entitled to keep them that way.

Crescend0 · 17/10/2017 09:12

OP your neighbour is probably just lonely and trying to connect with you. Maybe she interprets your reticence as defensiveness or putting up a "brace face". I think if you had just stated the facts from the outset - "Yes we are separated, but it's amicable and he still does drop offs" etc than that would be the end if it. The skirting round the subject may seem odd and make you appear more guarded and therefore vulnerable than you actually are. I would just be very matter if fact and keep the relationship on those terms going forward.