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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect partner to spend my birthday with me?

41 replies

rocky4 · 16/10/2017 15:29

That's it basically..

My partner is part of a social club that go for a drink on a Monday evening, and they often take trips together. I'd say 3-4 long weekends a year. Which is totally fine with me I do the same (maybe 1 or 2) with my friends. It makes him happy and I'm fine with that. Although this afternoon he has forwarded me a text which was sent to him from the guy who organises these trips, itinerary and details of next trip. I knew nothing about it he hadn't mentioned it. And he'd written 'I take it I can't go?'. I quickly scanned the message and seen it was for 4 days and right over my birthday weekend. I just feel hurt that he'd choose not to be with me on my birthday. I always make a big effort on his birthday as they have always been special in my family. On top of this, just on Saturday night he was trying to ask/tell me he was going to New York with his cousin and without me. We have both been before but not together, and it's somewhere I suggest often I'd love to go with him. So I guess after that convo and now today's text I am just feeling quite down about it Sad

Am I being too precious here? I really am not high maintenance I just assumed he'd chose to go away with me for my bday over his mates.

OP posts:
cherrycola2004 · 16/10/2017 15:32

You’re not being precious. Ok it’s one weekend he’ll miss with his club they’ll be others. He should def want to be spending your birthday weekend with you.

Sirzy · 16/10/2017 15:33

Personally I would just celebrate my birthday the weekend before/after with him and do something with friends that weekend

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/10/2017 15:35

I’d interpret his text as meaning that he wants to go; and I wouldn’t want him to stay if he didn’t want to - so I’d wave him off and plan to spend my birthday with people who really wanted to be with me that day.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2017 15:35

You feel the way you feel. Personally, I don't get worked up about my birthday at all, and I would actually enjoy planning something for another time, but that's me. As for the New York trip, I think you should tell him how you feel. Do you live together?

troodiedoo · 16/10/2017 15:39

"I take it I can't go" what an absolute bell end thing to say! Give it the contempt it deserves by saying "no, you can't" add a "lol" for good measure.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 16/10/2017 15:39

I suppose it depends on the birthday, the celebration, compared to the trip with his social group. Two for the price of one down the Harvester isn't going to compare to 4 nights in Rome BUT I really don't do birthdays so Im not the best person to ask.

Im guessing this isn't a full on cohabiting relationship?

category12 · 16/10/2017 15:42

"I take it I can't go" Hmm

"How are you going to make it up to me?" would be one response.

I think I would choose him going on this thing, but him making plans for something together that you can be excited about.

As pp have said, I wouldn't want him to stay given he clearly wants to go, I'd want him never to have brought it up at all if he's not going to go because of the birthday.

^ this assuming he's generally a nice guy and you have a good relationship. If he's always a selfish git, then you've bigger problems.

Original poster
rocky4 · 16/10/2017 15:51

Thanks for the responses!

Yes we have lived together for 3 years (renting), and have just bought our first house. Been together for 4.5 years roughly and planning a baby very soon. I guess this is another reason I'm a bit taken aback by him wanting to go to New York without me as it would likely be our last holiday as a couple.

I did reply and said well it would have been nice of him to want to spend it with me but I wasn't going to make him, knowing obviously he'd rather be with his mates. We do have a great relationship otherwise and do lots of holidays/trips together as well but it's just as it's over my birthday I'm feeling different about it compared to any other trip he's taken.

And just the other day I was pricing a surprise trip to Vegas for his 30th coming up Hmm...

OP posts:
category12 · 16/10/2017 15:52

So what's he going to do to make it up to you? Smile

Original poster
rocky4 · 16/10/2017 16:05

I guess that's something I need to think of... better get my holiday brochures out Grin

OP posts:
category12 · 16/10/2017 16:15

I'd want him to think of something tbh.

Original poster
rocky4 · 16/10/2017 16:32

You're right. That's what is pissing me off. It's like 'ok fine what do you want to do?'... PLAN A SURPRISE FOR ME LIKE EVERY OTHER GIRL SEEMS TO GET Sad

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 16/10/2017 16:33

If he's approached this issue and you in a respectful, mature way, I'd be saying 'oh I'm sure there's a way to celebrate your birthday and let him do his club stuff'.

However, 'I take it I can't go', urgh Hmm. What a childish way to say to your partner 'I have an event that clashes with you birthday, can we talk about it?'. Sounds like a 12 year old moaning he can't play Xbox with his mates over going to a family member's birthday.

The passive aggressive in me wants you to say 'no', and be an absolute bloody princess about the whole thing. Realistically though, that will be no fun for either of you. I would tell him he could have said he wanted to go on the trip in a less hurtful way, that you wouldn't make out his birthday was an inconvenience. I'd also be keen to know how he plans to make it up to you!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2017 16:40

However, 'I take it I can't go', urgh Hmm. What a childish way to say to your partner 'I have an event that clashes with you birthday, can we talk about it?'. Sounds like a 12 year old moaning he can't play Xbox with his mates over going to a family member's birthday.

I agree. What he's saying is, "I want to go with my friends but I don't want to feel guilty about it. Can I make you feel bad so you shoulder all the blame? Thanks".

Original poster
rocky4 · 16/10/2017 17:18

Yes you are both so right. I haven't said either way but he replied saying 'forget I mentioned it'. I feel like saying 'will do'. If he had spoken to me when we got home in person and said he's aware this is over my birthday and that he goes to every single trip (which btw he hasn't missed one in the 4 years I've known him) but had planned for us to do X, Y or Z the following weekend would that be ok with me. And I would have said of course. I have plenty of friends and my mum & sisters who I will happily spend the day with but it's the way he just came out with 'take it I can't to' as if my birthday is obviously last on his list.

I guess I'll see how it pans out when he comes home (you can guess where he is on this fine Monday... the bloody Monday Club of course!!) Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2017 17:33

he just came out with 'take it I can't go' as if my birthday is obviously last on his list.

Only you know but I think it's a little worse than that. Men know that women have been trained not to 'nag' because that means we are the kind of evil harridans who don't deserve a man. So if they want something, they can tap into that and make us feel bad for having needs. That way you get to feel bad and he gets a guilt-free weekend.

The thing is that guilt is actually good. It moderates behaviour. It is our conscience speaking to us. If he said, "I'd love to go but I feel bad about missing your birthday" he would likely arrange something nice. If you manage his guilt, he doesn't have to.

Or maybe I'm off.

Original poster
rocky4 · 16/10/2017 17:40

Yeah I agree. What do you suggest? What would you do now in my shoes?

I just wish he'd be more thoughtful, like I am when it's his birthday. His family have never been into birthdays and he doesn't see the point in them. Doesn't mean I don't like to celebrate mine though Confused

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 16/10/2017 17:47

Bang on the money there @MrsTP

Whocansay · 16/10/2017 17:48

I'd tell him to go. If he doesn't he will sulk and ruin your weekend anyway.

I'd book to go to Vegas instead with a friend.

And I certainly wouldn't have a child with him. He doesn't exactly sound like a keeper.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2017 17:51

I'd say, "let's talk about it when you get home".

Then I'd explain that my birthday is important and I'd rather spend it with him. I'd also say that I don't control his behaviour so I'd appreciate it if he didn't imply that I did. And that putting the choice on me is unfair. If he wants to go to the weekend, it's his free choice, including taking into account that I will be disappointed. Oh and that him not caring about birthdays is a reason for him not celebrating. But they are important to me and I know he cares about my feelings.

I think this is about how you communicate as well as what you are communicating about.

Arrowfanatic · 16/10/2017 18:01

I'm not especially precious about my birthday, and in fact this year it falls on a day I teach at my club so I'll be doing that instead of spending it with DH.

Wouldn't bother me if DH wanted to go away over my birthday, as I expect we would just do something before/after.

However his "I suppose I can't go" comment would piss me off and be more likely to make me say no you can't go. Instead of apologising that it's fallen on your birthday weekend or asking if you can have a conversation about it he's put the ball in your court to make you the guilty one.

My DH shifts fall this year with him working late shifts on my birthday and he's more gutted than I am.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 16/10/2017 18:01

Ok it’s one weekend he’ll miss with his club they’ll be others.

Yes, as there will birthdays.

It was pathetic the way he sent that text, but he obviously wants to go.

You may pull out all the stops for birthdays, but unless it's a milestone birthday (is it?), others just don't feel the need or understand why some people make such a big deal about birthdays.

I'm not meaning to sound like a twat, but I wouldn't want him at home on my bday knowing he would rather be elsewhere.

He didn't have to send you that message. But he wants your 'permission'.

He sounds quite immature.

Arrowfanatic · 16/10/2017 18:01

Sorry, that should say working the weekend after my birthday.

ilovesooty · 16/10/2017 18:03

I wouldn't be planning on a child. Looks as though you already have one.

Original poster
rocky4 · 16/10/2017 18:10

I will explain how I'd have expected him to go about it a better way, a way that would make me see the positives and that we could spend the following weekend doing something nice he'd planned. I wouldn't have had an issue with it. But as he's being childish and stroppy I will go along with his 'forget I mentioned it' and not bring it up tonight. I do want him to go now because otherwise I will be the crazy girlfriend who throw a strop. But at the same time I feel I want to say 'ok I wont mention it' and let him suffer the outcome of his own stupid comment. He knows I will (or want to) bring it up again and tell him he can go. I wish I wasn't so soft.

OP posts:
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