To expect partner to spend my birthday with me?

[rocky4]

That's it basically..

My partner is part of a social club that go for a drink on a Monday evening, and they often take trips together. I'd say 3-4 long weekends a year. Which is totally fine with me I do the same (maybe 1 or 2) with my friends. It makes him happy and I'm fine with that. Although this afternoon he has forwarded me a text which was sent to him from the guy who organises these trips, itinerary and details of next trip. I knew nothing about it he hadn't mentioned it. And he'd written 'I take it I can't go?'. I quickly scanned the message and seen it was for 4 days and right over my birthday weekend. I just feel hurt that he'd choose not to be with me on my birthday. I always make a big effort on his birthday as they have always been special in my family. On top of this, just on Saturday night he was trying to ask/tell me he was going to New York with his cousin and without me. We have both been before but not together, and it's somewhere I suggest often I'd love to go with him. So I guess after that convo and now today's text I am just feeling quite down about it

Am I being too precious here? I really am not high maintenance I just assumed he'd chose to go away with me for my bday over his mates.

Last year my DH was out all day and night on my birthday. It didn't bother me, I had a nice day with the DC, went out with friends and celebrated with him another time, it was no big deal. But if it's important to you, tell him. Some people aren't bothered about the actual day?

I would do as he said and forget he mentioned it. But, if he mentions it again, I would tell him this...

If he had spoken to me when we got home in person and said he's aware this is over my birthday and that he goes to every single trip (which btw he hasn't missed one in the 4 years I've known him) but had planned for us to do X, Y or Z the following weekend would that be ok with me.

It's the crap pathetic way he did it (or tried to do it) that would piss me off!

If he's a genuinely nice person that you are going to settle down with, then he must realise that what he was doing was being unkind and treating you as second-rate.

What Mrs TerryPratchett says here "Then I'd explain that my birthday is important and I'd rather spend it with him. I'd also say that I don't control his behaviour so I'd appreciate it if he didn't imply that I did. And that putting the choice on me is unfair. If he wants to go to the weekend, it's his free choice, including taking into account that I will be disappointed. Oh and that him not caring about birthdays is a reason for him not celebrating. But they are important to me and I know he cares about my feelings." (emphasis mine)

^ Do that.

Don't let him off the hook, because you're setting a precedent for your lives together. If you suck this sort of thing up all the time, it'll come to be taken for granted and he will never make the effort, never try to surprise you, always expect your feelings to take a back-seat to his hobbies/wants. Make sure he acknowledges the role he's putting you into ('er indoors), that it's not fair to do that to you - and that it's nice and a reasonable expectation to make the effort for your loved one who does like birthdays. Don't let the bar get set low.

Thank you all for the advice I will definitely be using it. I'll make it clear it's unfair him putting this decision on me but I obviously can't and won't stop him. As long as it sinks into him that I would be disappointed and will expect some alternative nice plans.

And yes he really is a great person, I've been through the mill already (married and divorced by age 23 - another story!!) and wouldn't choose or settle for a bad egg. He was the one to 'rescue me' so to speak and made me realise they aren't all the same after I went a little anti-man! I know he is a good person and is hard to fault him elsewhere but these shitty little situations do indeed piss me off and need nipped in the bud.

He's going to have to get used to not going once baby's here anyway

I do want him to go now because otherwise I will be the crazy girlfriend who throw a strop. Internalized misogyny is jolly useful.

I think the really important thing is to emphasize that you aren't giving or withholding 'permission' to go. One makes you a nag, the other a 'cool wife'. Both of those are shitty positions to be in. He needs to take responsibility for his own choices.

I just picked him up and he said 'so are you not speaking to me then?' And I just sighed and said well you've upset me blah blah. I then told him if he'd gone about it a better way he'd be going on this trip but he hasn't and still hasn't tried to rectify it or understand where I'm coming from. His words were 'nah it's fine I've told them I'm not going now'.. in aware that's to try and make me feel bad.

I am this close to putting a halt on this baby planning (birthday is in Feb so could potentially happen before then) and going to Vegas with my best friend, who btw has her birthday in the same week

Oh I tell him no he can't go. Then id book lots of fun things without him.
All because of that comment. Wanker.

You do need to put a halt on baby planning. I'd be very upset if my husband were planning a trip to ny without me, and I don't accept those kind of comments 'I take it I can't go' mine asked recently about going out an evening soon and I was I get that you want me to say yes, but you know I have no idea if I will be miserably sick or not and able to look after our toddler so you can go have fun. So why ask?' But you also before having children you need to discuss his hobby. If he has been to every weekend away that will have to change. Once there's a baby going away for the weekend is deciding you are parenting solo for the weekend -24 hours a day someone is parenting and he will need to be aware of that and that it means much less time to go off and do what you want.

'nah it's fine I've told them I'm not going now' I wonder what the reason he gave them was.

I'd straight out ask him why he thought I was upset. He is writing the script in his head and it's 90% bullshit. I bet he has told them he's not allowed to go and that you're upset because he wanted to.

Not that you would be fine were he understanding and empathizing while making sure you felt good about your birthday.

Sorry should have been more clear, im pregnant and frequently miserably sick at the moment so there's a good chance I am struggling on the night next week he wants to go out!

My dd celebrated her 18th birthday last weekend. Her long term (of 3 years) boyfriend was in a quandary as he had an important rugby presentation on the same night. DD told him to go and collect his trophies and suggested they celebrate her 18th on a different date, together. She enjoyed celebrating the actual date of her 18th with family and friends. She still has a celebration with the most important person in her life to look forward to.

You are being precious

Agree you are being precious

I think it is a bit sad if he is behaving like this at the fairly early stage of your relationship and when you are pkanning having a baby - to be honest, my DH and I have been married 30 years and now we do holiday separately, have separate friends, do our own thing at weekends etc etc . But when we first met our time together was special and neither of would make 'major plans' without checking it out first with each other. We still did separate things, but only after talking it through in a considerate way.

I bet he hasn't told them he's not going in so many words. I would be very surprised if he's closed off the option to go that easily.

I would have called him out and written back 'when something like this comes up, please don't be passive aggressive. A face to face conversation would have been fairer. If you want a straight answer then I would be hurt that you can't skip one of these many trips for my birthday but could get comfortable with it if you made an effort to come up with an alternative nice idea to make it up to me rather than that passive aggressive 'I take it I can't go' '.