AIBU to expect adult DD to arrange days out with DH?

[Sharlie12345]

DD is now 18. In all fairness her dad has worked a lot throughout her life and rarely did anything 1-1 she keeps bringing it up now (he no longer works) but surely now she's 18 she can arrange things for them to do?

I don't think I've ever had a day out with my dad. He's a great dad, I love him and he loves me, but we spend time together with the rest of the family, and it would feel weird and out of character to arrange some kind of artificial day trip. Same goes for my mum, actually.

So even though she’s upset about it he still won’t make the effort? He sounds great .
If he doesn’t want to then that’s up to him, but he shouldn’t expect to have much of a relationship with her as an adult. When she moves out she may find that she no longer fancies making the effort with him. His choice really.
I’m really close to my dad. We have always gone on days out etc together.

AccrualIntentions the difference here is that the daughter wants some 1:1 time with her dad.

@AccrualIntentions I think it is highly unusual not to spend 1:1 time with your parents. Do you never do things just the two of you? Cinema? Meal? Theater? Day out? Hike? Little holiday?

I think this is really sad. My dad made very little effort with me over the years and as a result I see him twice a year for about 2 hours each time.

He'll reap what he sows.

DD (age 5) already loves spending time 1:1 with DH and vice versa, and I hope it continues as she gets older.

I can still remember my dd coming to visit me by himself ( driving 70moles) when I was at uni 35 yrs ago. He'd retired by then , so had the time to spare , but I remember feeling very special and grown up going out for lunch with my dd and having an adult conversation ( this was the 80's so still a special event going out for lunch!)
Just spending those few hours with him on own my have stayed with me all these years....he died about 1yr after that....so not sure if he knew he had limited time left with me

*miles , not moles!!

YABU. In this situation it is his job.

Can you explain to your DH that 'the point' is that his daughter is sad and needs to see him wanting to have a better relationship with her.

For 18 years he has given her the message that he doesn't care about spending special time with her. Which, from his comments, he doesn't. Poor kid. She just wants some love and attention.

Get ready for the string of awful relationships she will have with disinterested men. Unless she's a lesbian, which will possibly save her.

Yeah what a wanker of a man for clearly working his socks of for his family. You should leave the twat op

mrsterry ha ha ha you post has actually creased me up

Many parents work. That isn’t an excuse not to spend time with your child

I work. I spend time with my child. Easy.

They are both adults and I think you can expect them to arrange something between themselves. I would say my dad was much the same around that time (unfortunately, he died suddenly later that year). He had been minimally present in my childhood, my parents were divorced, and I saw him occassionally several times a year. When I became an adult (living on my own from 17), I would I was unhappy about the situation, but neither of us tried to arrange anything really. As he didn't show much interest and hadn't been that emotionally involved, though I paid it lip service, I never really got around to organising anything. It wasn't a priority for me. It's possible that your dd is upset about his long standing lack of interest and initiative more than she is about his lack of initiative right now. Though she may say she wants to plan something, she may not actually. I would leave them to it. They can arrange things on their own if they really want to.

I agree with Terry.

"Get ready for the string of awful relationships she will have with disinterested men"

Oh my god, I've just realised this is me. Thats a depressing realisation to have. At least I'll have something to discuss with the councillor this week I guess! :/

Actually I haven't spend time 1-1 with my dad either.

And as parents, neither myself nor DH spend time on a 1-1 basis.
Mainly because we tend to do things together at the weekends or hols.
So I might spend some hols with the dcs wo DH but it's still not 1-1 because the dcs are there together.
Same with DH.

I had never thought about it in that way.

oh your poor DD

she's trying to see if he's even vaguely interested in spending time with his child.

now she's got the answer, I guess she'll move on but how sad.

My dd (22) messaged me today saying 'hey let's do something this weekend'

Which is code for 'will you take me out for food ect.. I normally get one of these messages when she is skint and near payday and can't afford to go out with her mates . She asked to lend £60 yesterday...

Oh gosh, she's turned 18- of course she is old enough to do Woman's Work, which heaven forefend her dad should ever have had to do, either now or in the past.

StormTreader sorry I dumped that on you. I hope you work through it.

God almighty.
Your poor bloody daughter is literally crying out for a bit of attention from her Dad and you are posting on here asking if she should do the arranging since she is 18........., words fail me.
It doesn't matter how old you are, if someone has parents living they are still someone's child.
Your daughter is needing some one on one time with her Dad whom she obviously loves and wants to have a good relationship with. You should be doing all you can to encourage this instead of faffing about on here.
Unless you want to end up as parents on the " stately home " thread in ten years time then be a bloody mum and sort something out. Help your emotionally stunted husband ( " but I see her every day" .....could he be any more disinterested??) to see what needs to be done. And it matters not if he doesn't want to do it or if he doesn't understand why- HES DOING IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. Yes, that child that you ,made together. Why do some people still believe that simply because a child hits 18 they don't deserve your love, and emotional support anymore??
Be a decent mum, sit down with a pen and paper and think of things they could possibly do together. Organise one and present it as a fete accomplis to your husband and tell him to say to your daughter ' hey, guess what we are doing on Saturday!'
Hopefully it's not too late and she won't end up as Mrsterry says!!

@Ecureuil oh of course, it's a totally different situation. I suppose my (poorly made) point was wondering why she feels that need, why it needs to be something special and extra rather than just everyday love and care? But that's probably just my personality.

@5rivers7hills I don't find it odd at all, we all have limited free time so I'd rather spend time with my mum and dad, and they'd rather see me and my siblings when we have the opportunity. Perhaps my family are the weird ones but we take as much pleasure in quiet time at home as special trips out.

Maybe she knows he'd say 'but I see you everyday' if she asked and can't stand the thought of being told that by her dad! He needs to step up and be the one who starts the mending of their relationship