To feel like the last 8 months were a silly waste of time? (IABU, I know I am...)

[lelapaletute]

So I've spent the last 8 months on mat leave with my first child about whom I am embarrassingly PFB. We've struggled with breastfeeding but persisted and she doesn't take expressed milk; she's very wary of strangers and cries hysterically if anyone but me or OH picks her up; she feeds to sleep, and wakes up every hour to two hours in the night. She doesn't seem like my friends' babies and never has - she's always seemed very intense and extremely persistent if denied what she wants (basically me to always be within arm's reach).

After getting past the bewilderment of having her be so much needier than I expected, I've kind of gone with it - I get very little done as always on my knees playing with her, we co-sleep half the night, I feed on demand. I haven't been away from her longer than an hour since she was born. Along the way I've picked up a lot if attachment parenting theory, and felt quite validated in my parenting decisions by that.

I will have to go back to work in 3 months. And my partner is fed up with things still being so intense and wants me to start sleep training, night weaning and getting her on a bottle so we can go out together in the evenings. So basically I'm going to have to start denying her all the instant responsiveness and comfort she's used to. She's still not ready.

I feel like an idiot that I did not seeing this coming, and just introduce bottle, own bed, sleep training etc when she was tiny so she'd be broken to it early. Having worked so hard to foster a secure attachment between us, I now have to set about wilfully breaking it. I also feel like noone in my life thinks I'm a good mother as everything I do us apparently wrong and needs to stop.

I feel like shit, and like I've made so many mistakes, and am anxious going to have to traumatise my baby because I've given her unrealistic expectations.

AIBU to feel like whatever I do now I'll be failing her?

Oh, OP, I feel for you so much. It's so fraught all of this new baby stuff and I do think your partner is being unsupportive actually, though I agree it must have been hard for him too - it really sounds to me like he's left most of this to you and now seems bored of the fact you're still doing it? That's not on. And there's no point pushing for nights out etc if that's not what you want. Adjusting to a new baby is HARD - but it shouldn't just be you making sacrifices. OTOH if you do want to go out etc, I don't think this is out of your reach - and for NONE of this do you have to compromise or undo what you've done!

Three months is such a long time for a baby - it's almost half of her short life. I don't think it's necessary to suddenly start sleep training and bottle feeding now. Thoughts in no particular order -

• No-cry sleep solution as suggested to get sleep better in a gentle way. It takes time but that's alright as you have time.

• By 11 months they don't need milk in the day which means you can absolutely keep breastfeeding morning and night and not worry if she takes any milk when she's at childcare. It would be nice if she took some, but it's totally not necessary. If you were bottle feeding you'd be down to 1 or 2 feeds anyway. Even if she does breastfeed a lot when you're around, it's no big deal. Milk supply changes and becomes more robust the longer you feed and by 11 months, it's really no problem to have different patterns on different days. Honestly.

• You have time to find a childcare provider you're happy with. I looked at nurseries and childminders and found my original idea confirmed, that I much prefer a childminder for under 3s. DS was very, very clingy when he was little, but the first time I took him to the childminder (just to meet her) he absolutely astonished me by toddling out of my arms and going to look straight away at a puzzle toy she had out and started playing with it - alone!!! Totally unfazed. And stayed there for about an hour while I had a cup of tea and anxiously discussed all of my PFB worries including never being left to cry and always being picked up and my lovely wonderful childminder (who of course we ended up going with!) soothingly agreed with my every point.

• A babysitter doesn't necessarily need a perfectly routine-textbook baby to look after! :) I think most babysitters would be pretty happy to cuddle and play with/entertain a baby while you go out, this is what I used to do with DS, I didn't worry overly if he slept or not - TBH even when I was there he often didn't go to sleep until gone 11pm anyway. He did used to cry when I left - but I'd anxiously hang around on the street corner until I got a text (usually a couple of minutes later) saying he was perfectly fine and happy now. These days, you could probably even get the babysitter to whatsapp you a picture.

• I loved co-sleeping, wouldn't have traded this for the world, but did have a sidecar cot arrangement, and this helped as it gave us our own space. I had definitely got to a point by about a year where I could have moved him out, or put a side on the cot while keeping it close, and I might have done, but we had a big life change/upheaval so I made a conscious decision to keep going at that point and moved him into a single bed when he was around 2 (long slow transition from 2ish to 2.5ish - lots of me spending time in his bed, him spending time in mine until he was finally all good in his own bed all night.) I really liked this arrangement because it was so much easier as I could always get in to settle him. Would recommend mattress on floor if you feel he's too little for a proper bed. If you set it up all nicely then this can be perfectly appropriate for an older baby/young toddler.

Please don't feel like what you've done so far is a waste. Even if you undid it all tomorrow you've done her a tremendous thing in supporting and loving her as she is.

FWIW, DS was like this in many ways and he really has grown out of it, although he's still very social and loves nothing more than attention - he's just more able to get it from his peers now (especially since he started using things like the phone and the internet) rather than relying on us all the time which was always exhausting. At 5 we moved country and he started kindergarten in a new language and just jumped in without even looking back. At 8 (this summer) he went off for a week's camp knowing absolutely nobody and came back glowing about it with all of these stories - it was amazing! He has just turned 9 and I'm so proud of him.

Sounds like how things were with my DD at that age.
When she was just over a year I tried to put her into nursery so I could retrain.
She was ill a lot and could not deal with being away from me.
I ended up having to leave the course and come back the following year. I had to get her ready, and sleep training was a big part of that.
Attachment parenting does not fit very well with modern life. Also, it creates the “neediness” you are talking about.
You need to get her used to being with her Dad more and with other people. There will be teething pains to start with, I am sure.
You also need to get her sleeping in her own bed and through the night.

With DC2 I have started this process slowly from the beginning so as to avoid the issues with DC1 x

" I think it's unfair that his needs will ALWAYS come below the baby's needs."

Of course it's not unfair! The baby is unable to help themselves in any way. A grown ADULT should be able to deal with their feeling and issues and put them aside for a helpless BABY. FFS.

My boy was the same, bar the only liking me or DH. He never, ever took a bottle.

Honestly I don't think there is anything you should do other than maybe try her a few hours a week in a nursery just to try and get her used to other people.

I went back to work at 8 months, DH looked after the children. I only fed him throughout the night.

Have you thought about going out to the cinema in the afternoon, or out for an early dinner whilst your dd is left with someone else?
Then they can keep her distracted by playing with her, and if she doesn't sleep it doesn't really matter because it means she gets a slightly later bedtime, rather than being up very late screaming.

Obviously you may want a proper night out, but you could start with this - its better than nothing.

8 months is quite a clingy age I recall (some developmental thing) but you often tend to find that babies cry when you say goodbye and cry when they see you again, but in between they seem very happy playing.

I think you sound like you’re doing brilliantly. Babies are all different - some are more clingy than others.

My DS1 sounds a lot like your Dd. He wouldn’t go to anyone except me. My mum was going to look after him one day a week when I went back to work so we did some practise where I would go out for an hour and leave him her with the aim of building it up. The first few times he cried the whole time I was out. Then at 11 months something clicked and he went to his grandparents (grandmothers in particular) much more easily. When I went back to work he did two days of nursery and one day with my parents.

He would cry when I dropped him off at nursery and he did take a while to settle but they were so lovely with him and he got used to it. When I left him with my parents he didn’t give me a second glance!

I also breast fed to sleep and by the time I went back to work had got it down to morning and bedtime. He quickly got fed up of mornings - was more interested in going straight for breakfast and he stopped breastfeeding to sleep at 13 months.

DS2 has never been clingy to the same extent but has been much harder to stop breastfeeding to sleep.

You will be fine. It takes some time but you may find that the clingyness starts to improve on its own.

I think it's unfair that his needs will ALWAYS come below the baby's needs.
Well it won't always be the case. It won't be th case when said baby will have left home or even when they will be an older child.
Heck it's likely that it will not be the case anymore when they will be 2 or 3 years old.

In the mean time, this is a BABY, HIS baby, that needs constant care and tentions, like any other baby.
So yes his needs will always come below the needs of an 8months old who can't do anything for themselves and who are only asking for the NEED not what they want or what they can cope with for a while.
No man or woman has died of not having sex or a night out or a nice relaxing evening for a few months or even a year or two. Actually they can even live every well like this.
Babies do not.

So yes I wOuld expect a man to put up with all that because they have become a father and to actually be HAPPY to put their needs after the Ones of THEIR baby.
Because they are now a parent, just like the mother btw.

This is neither fair nor unfair. This is what is the best for the baby. The best for them until they are old enough to left, to not need their parent all the time.
I'd it hard? Yep. But one thing it's not is that it's neither harder nor more unfair for men to 'put up with it for the sake of the child' than it is for the mother.

My first was a little like this. Breastfed every 2-3 hours at night. Wary of strangers. Didn't enjoy baby groups. Didn't like loud noises and sudden changes.
So we did things gradually.
We co-slept but without cuddling. Then age 1 he moved into a co-sleeper cot where I could have my hand on him all night.
This is how this story ends btw: an extremely independent 5 year old who goes to bed in his room easily and without complaint. We did it gently at his pace but keeping in mind that things have to work for both of us as well.

I didn't force him on to strangers or baby groups. We found a childminder. It took time but he settled. Gradually as he got more verbal I told him that when he met new people he didn't have to say anything except hello and bye and thank you/please. No forced conversation.

This is how this particular story ends:
Childminder is now our nanny also looking after DS2. She and DS1 are thick as thieves and tonight she's taking him to Pizza Express with her family and refuses to take money from me.
DS2 is a funny sociable thing with a bunch of close friends. He's never going to be the life and soul of a party but he has no fear of new people. He's an exceptionally talented musician and performs in concerts with ease and no nerves.

I am not an attachment parent and I am in many ways quite strict about manners/behaviour/expectations. But I treated DS1 with respect and took things at his pace. If we went to a new place I would prepare him, tell him where we were going, give him time. He also thrived with routines and predictability including at bedtime.

Finally, we recently had DS2. He breastfeeds but only once at night at 9 months. He's a whirlwind. He is extremely social and loves going off with new people and going to new places. Adores the same baby groups and music classes that left me in tears. We didn't go out at night with DS1 till he was 18 months old because we knew he wouldn't settle for strangers. DS2...we have pretty much gone out for a meal once a week over these 9 months!

There is no 'have to do this' about anything. Change what doesn't work for you gradually respecting both your needs.

*Sorry I meant that ds1 is a funny sociable thing now who performs at concerts with no fear. I am sure DS2 has his talents but at 9 months they mostly involve drooling and babbling and causing havoc.