To feel like the last 8 months were a silly waste of time? (IABU, I know I am...)

[lelapaletute]

So I've spent the last 8 months on mat leave with my first child about whom I am embarrassingly PFB. We've struggled with breastfeeding but persisted and she doesn't take expressed milk; she's very wary of strangers and cries hysterically if anyone but me or OH picks her up; she feeds to sleep, and wakes up every hour to two hours in the night. She doesn't seem like my friends' babies and never has - she's always seemed very intense and extremely persistent if denied what she wants (basically me to always be within arm's reach).

After getting past the bewilderment of having her be so much needier than I expected, I've kind of gone with it - I get very little done as always on my knees playing with her, we co-sleep half the night, I feed on demand. I haven't been away from her longer than an hour since she was born. Along the way I've picked up a lot if attachment parenting theory, and felt quite validated in my parenting decisions by that.

I will have to go back to work in 3 months. And my partner is fed up with things still being so intense and wants me to start sleep training, night weaning and getting her on a bottle so we can go out together in the evenings. So basically I'm going to have to start denying her all the instant responsiveness and comfort she's used to. She's still not ready.

I feel like an idiot that I did not seeing this coming, and just introduce bottle, own bed, sleep training etc when she was tiny so she'd be broken to it early. Having worked so hard to foster a secure attachment between us, I now have to set about wilfully breaking it. I also feel like noone in my life thinks I'm a good mother as everything I do us apparently wrong and needs to stop.

I feel like shit, and like I've made so many mistakes, and am anxious going to have to traumatise my baby because I've given her unrealistic expectations.

AIBU to feel like whatever I do now I'll be failing her?

1.. You've done everything right to give your little girl the security she needed, in a way that worked for you, and that's great, and these 8 months have been an investment (hopefully a lovely and snuggly one too). Cosleeping etc is not a sleeping problem unless one of you are finding it a problem

1. People have no idea how much some babies are harder than others! My eldest was like this, and at 7 still is very sensitive, an intense and very loving little soul. On the other hand our youngest came out, fed a bit, grinned, passed wind and fell asleep for 4 hours and at 4 has pretty much the same personality and love of sleep. We spent the first few months with him marvelling at how EASY parenting would have been with a first born like that!

1. More practically, there is a lot between 'break you attachment' and 'find a sane way to get back to work' I am also a bit of an attachment parent but there is a lot of.scaremongering in the community - but look around you will see plenty of kids who were bottle fed, in their owns cots of day 1 and in nursery from 6 months, and they are healthy happy and have forgiven their mums for us we found a middle way, it's perfectly possible to cosleep when you're back at work, and continue to feed at night (though do look up 'reverse cycling', that is a pain!). Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution has lots of great tips that do take persistence but as per the name are good for us soppy types

1. This is a great opportunity for your DH to.strengthen his bond - she is much more likely to settle in a new way / take the bottle / have a scream-free transfer to nursery if he is the one doing it. Slightly selfishly I found this letting go a bit hard, but it did wonders for my DH's understanding of our kids

1. And most importantly... Did you feel it was wasted at the time? I swore that with my second I would make sure he'd sometimes sleep in the crib / not feed to sleep / take a bottle etc.. and even with a super chilled guy who would have fussed but quickly got used to all those things. You've gone with the style that's right for you and for her while you were on leave, and now I'm sure you'll find the right style for you and her when you're back at work xoxo

lelapaletute you are doing brilliantly. I hope you find a good way to move forward for your job etc.

I co-slept, breast fed (exclusively for first 6 months), and did a lot of 'attachment' parenting with dd. I went back to work when she was 8 months old (part-time). She went to nursery and she was honestly fine.

Good luck.

Hi - I haven't RTFT so sorry if I'm repeating someone.

2 suggestions

Bottle refuser? Consider excess lipase in milk - it makes it spoil quickly. Google Kellymom site.

Consider reverse cycling. I made this up with DS1 then found it was a 'thing' so did it deliberately with DS2. It means doing all your feeds at night. I went back to work when the boys were 6/7 months old. I fed first thing, went to see them at lunch time and fed (I soon could send an expressed bottle for DS2 as I'd sussed the lipase thing) then fed at bedtime. We coslept and they fed on demand. It worked really well for us - everyone incl DH could sleep well, we could rebond each night. I was able to do my job properly and feel I was doing my best for my babies. Gradually the feeds fell away and we finally stopped at 2 years. It made me happy!

Good luck

Sorry forgot to say DCs had given up lunch time feed by 9 months, so I was child free all through the work day.

Agree with trying the no cry sleep solution, particularly the pantly pull-off method. Once that is going well then your dh needs to take over bed time and settling. You might even want to do this when he has holiday. It will take a week of bed time settling and middle of the night him getting up to settle her after a feed. Mine never did take to a bottle, they just moved on to sippy cups and beakers. You have given her a wonderful start, now he needs to spend time learning to settle her and then it is time for a baby sitter. It gets better after the first week. Worth doing before you go back to work. It's not easy for any of you to go through the process but better than controlled crying and at least you get to sit downstairs with the remote while he comforts and settles her.

My first was a high needs baby and it was a complete shock to me. Before she arrived I had visions of being a 'cool' mum and passing her to relatives, having evenings out, etc. The reality was that I had to carry her everywhere, she was unputdownable which is not a word but describes her well, she bfed all the time and never slept.

Like you I coped by going with the flow and the good news is that, while it feels like it, this phase doesn't last forever. There was a big improvement at 9 months and she even went to nursery at 18 mo.

Try what you can and see how she adjusts. Maybe a childminder is a good solution so she can bond to one person? Sippy cups maybe a possibility soon. Also talk to your DH about the stress you are feeling when pushed to move things along at a faster rate than either her or you are comfortable with.

This too shall pass!

Have only skimmed the 2nd half of this thread.

Getting your baby to take a bottle is probably going to be your nursery or childminder's job! Easier away from you. Much, much easier!

Sleep training - don't think it has to be a terrible thing. Or that it has to happen all at once. My eldest nearly broke me before I sorted it out when she was about 10 months old (about 3 months or so after I'd gone back to work). Basically at some point some babies need help to learn how to settle themselves back to sleep. They probably aren't ready to learn this younger than (I guess) 7 or 8 months anyway.

What I did - and have heard others describe similar things too: I thought about sleep "cues" and utilised music toys that I could wind up/turn on for a limited amount of time. I focussed first on trying to get her to be able to go to sleep in her cot - she had been fed to sleep almost exclusively till then. So if she woke I didn't pick her up for a long cuddle but basic checking if necessary and then put her down again. But I stayed next to her with a hand on her, verbal reassurance etc. Then I aimed to remove my hand, then move away from the cot little by little. I found the concept of a piece of elastic useful - if she cried move closer, reassure, then back off again a little. And always turning the music back on as part of the process. My aim was to be able to go to her, reassure and leave her to get back to sleep.

Sounds complicated? To my shock, the whole process took 3 nights. By which time she was sleeping SO much better because when she stirred at night she mostly went back to sleep rather than waking up fully, unless she actually needed something. It wouldn't have been so quick had I tried the same at, say, 3 months though, I don't think.

Oh and by the way she is now a teenager who still finds it hard to get to sleep. But I don't usually have to worry about it too much myself!!

Best wishes with the next few months.

Ds reverse cycles and coslept until 2 (he was potty trained before he was in his own bed)! However he has always been fantastic at going to bed - very confident, sleeps well, just gets up for the loo and goes back off. Great round other people. I saw it as a milestone, like walking or talking they do it when they are ready.

At 8 months he just fed and wanted holding! If you are happy doing what you are doing keep doing it.

As for who is supporting your partner, what does that mean? A child's needs will always come before his. In that sense He is being very unsupportive to you and your baby - putting his needs first.

I'm sorry if this is way off the mark,
But is your daughter meeting all her milestones?

I only ask because my first DD was very much like you describe, and very likely has some degree of ASD, along with some other issues. Also, most of the parents I know whose children have grown up to meet some diagnostic criteria, would describe their infancy in a similar way.

You're doing great, by the way. You've given your DD everything she needs, even though it hasn't been easy.

Sounds like you've been an amazing mother to an exhausting baby (my ds was also v clingy).

You don't need to change anything yet. Babies change so much in the space of weeks, she could be completely different at 1. You can also continue to breastfeed on demand. By 1 you can just feed her in the morning and evening or whenever youre able and she will be fine. Babies are very adaptable, I'm sure she will get used to not having you so available.

Sounds like my babies.

I practiced AP, family bed until 4 years old.
I now have two super confident independent teenagers and a brilliant relationship with both.

You are being very unreasonable and you know that you have been doing the right thing.

It is so very intense having a young baby. If it makes you feel any better my DD was breast feed from a young age and now she is 17 months we have only been out on a night twice and each time for 2 hours.

At 8 months it is so very difficult. I remember when DD was 6 months and DH has to go awake for a week. DD would only sleep if I was with her or if I was pushing her round. It was a nightmare. At 12 months it suddenly got easier because she could toddle around by herself.

We still hold her to sleep and cosleep so it is by no means prefect. We tried putting her in the cot for a baby time sleep recently and even with my face pressed into the bed she became very distressed. I would not recommend it.

Having a baby does change your life but I was speaking to my Mum’s friend the other day and she saying how precious time is with your child and soon they will be grown up and have left home.

Right now your tiny baby needs you and your adults husband wants you. Buy him a a book on attachment.

Does they ever have baby Daddy time? A walk in the sling or playtime while you have a bath.

You need to speak to HV or get some attachment friends. I would not say I was an attachment parent more a response/trying to get by parent and think you have done wonderfully so far.

There is no need to sleep train (please don’t!) or bottle feed.

Have you found childcare for when you go back to work yet?

I definitely think your gut instinct as a Mum is strong and reliable. Please follow it.

Bless you, you've done incredibly well! I wouldn't worry about bottles, she can go straight on to a cup. My three went from breast to cup quite quickly. They found food and other things that were more interesting!

It's perfectly natural for a baby of that age to be clingy, they all go through it and grow out of it.

You'll be fine. We all worry about our children but honestly she'll be ok. 💐

My kids never had a bottle.

Stop with the guilt. Seriously. My dd1 was a Velcro baby and you absolutely will not break your attachment if you choose to wean from breastfeeding or leave her with someone else for a few hours. I had lactation failure with dd1 so she was bottle fed. Only wanted me to feed though. Dd2 was ebf but had a bottle of expressed milk per day. She is a Velcro baby too. I went back to work when dd2 was 7 months and dh has shared parental leave. She adjusted and our bond is just as strong. Out of those things your partner wants you to do, what do you want to do? With going back to work, is start the transference to a bottle in your position. Let your dh feed her and go out. She will drink, but you might have to go cold turkey. You might miss the feeds (I do) but, trust me, it won't affect your bond. You will believe me when, the first time you give her a bottle, you spend the entire feed kissing her head, or with her little hand exploring your face or grabbing your clothes. You will be fine. She will be fine. Just don't be pushed into anything before you are ready. As for AP, I loved the philosophy but hates the scaremongering that surrounded it. I've worked with children with attachment disorder. It happens through emotional neglect in the first 6 months of life. A person's emotional clock is set in the first 6 months, your lo is set for life because you have done and continue to do a great job.

You sound like me and ds though ds was/is easy going with other people. I co-slept till over 2 (having an operation meant dh had to take over and that sorted out the night feeds in a couple of days). Tell dh to chill and not take the enjoyment out of the last of your mat leave.

Just wanted to add my 'hang on in there!' You're doing a great job. Every baby is different. You're listening to what your baby wants and needs

As a side note mine didn't take to bottles at all either. We went straight to sippy cups. Might be an idea? I think they found the whole 'like a boob but not a boob' a bit disconcerting!

I'm a ftm to an 8 month old too and starting to taper down gently with feeding to sleep/night weaning too.

I read a really good bit in a book (Skin to skin, your baby's first year by Rachel Fitz-Desorgher)
it basically goes something like no one starts a romantic relationship as they mean to go on (date night once a month, one partner on the ipad, one watching telly most nights), so that they are into the right routines from the start.

People start romantic relationships intensely, with much more frequent touching and time together. Eventually as the relationship matures, they can drop the intensity down to what they are both comfortable with... same with babies.

The first stage of getting to know them can be an intense whirlwind without setting them up for disappointment as your bond matures.

Mine doesn't take a bottle anymore even though she did until 3-4 months but she will drink from a cup and eat solids, so we can leave her for a few hours no worries.

My husband has just learned how to rock the baby to sleep, this is worth learning because he can help night wean by not smelling of milk and rocking back to sleep when she wakes up. (we're going to try when she's 9 months and eating more food in the day)

Good luck and no guilt! You're doing fine.

My baby was somewhat like this. My SIL had a baby 7 months before me who seemed like a total doddle in comparison - she could leave him on a playmat and he would just occupy himself for absolutely ages. I was left wondering what the hell I was doing wrong - my baby wouldn't be left alone, no way! I had to be on my knees, entertaining him and engaging with him all the time, as you said. He was also a terrible napper. Most days the only time he would sleep would be while he was breastfeeding - meaning I would never get a break!

However, my SIL's baby wasn't much of a mover, and wasn't walking till 15 months. My baby was a confident walker by 10 months and that was when everything changed for me. Suddenly he could occupy himself because he could get to everything easily. Also, he was tiring himself out so he napped better, meaning I got a break.

He's now 15 months and I am still breastfeeding him once a day - before bed. Lots of people have tried to persuade me to swap him onto a bottle, but I have resisted, because this works for me. It's easy. It comforts him. It's very bonding. Also, I had a really terrible time breastfeeding in the early months and I feel like now I've cracked it, I don't want to give it up! Please don't give up breastfeeding if you don't want to. I know people working 9-5 who still breastfeed when they're home. I introduced one formula feed from 9 months to give me some more flexibility - that worked really well for me and enabled me to continue breastfeeding.

I agree with the others who say that it doesn't sound as though your partner is being particularly supportive. If he 'makes' you start sleep training, bottle feeding, etc., far from getting your life 'back', I would think that is going to cause resentment between you? However, just as he should be understanding of your needs, it's also really important that you listen to his needs, for the sake of your relationship. Could you possibly, as a compromise, arrange the odd evening out after baby is in bed? You could perhaps leave one of those pre-mixed bottles of formula for the babysitter just in case your little one wakes up?

OK you are wondering who is supporting your DH.
I have a question for you? Who is supporting YOU?

Who has been supporting you when you had a baby that is very needy? Apparently not him (as you say, he is unsupportive)

So can you explain to me why you should be there to support him when he can't be bothered to be there to support you?
And why is it his wants, as a grown up adults, are mor eimportant that his baby's needs? (Note the difference between wants and needs there too)

Fwiw, I did exactely what you think you should have done right from the start. I didn't do sleep, bottle, routine etc... because that's what worked for me. However I had a child that took the breast but refused the bottle, was quite needy, if you missed the small window when he was tired, he would get overtired and unable to fall asleep etc etc
Bottom line is, each baby has its own personality and 'training' into a routine might not work at all.
Seeing that you have a Velcro baby, I susoectvhe has never had to look fear his child and that he has no personal experience of hard it can be.
Maybe that's what he needs - struggle and realise that's how his child is- but then yes .. what about your baby....

Huh, I agree, your DH is too busy prioritising his own needs over your DD's. He needs to grow up and realise that it won't be like this forever, but that you and your baby need to work at your own pace. Tough if he doesn't like it - he needs to just accept it and work to support you, not gripe about not being able to go out for dinner!

Babies are only tiny for such a short time - you've done so well so far, don't let anyone bully you into changing your ways for any other reason than for the good of you and your baby.

Going to be controversial here, I think you're all being a bit harsh on the DH. I don't think it's unfair that after 8 months he fancies a full night's sleep with his wife, or an evening to have a meal together or just any form of attention really, I totally get that and have worked hard to keep our relationship strong whilst having our first baby and building that bond too. I think it's unfair that his needs will ALWAYS come below the baby's needs. Our baby sleeps through and has done since about 4 weeks so we often get a babysitter and pop out even just to Ikea or somewhere of an evening. I have seen many relationships around me fail due to PFB behaviour where nothing matters at all apart from the baby and nothing and no one gets a look in! Not saying you're doing that OK but just saying if you feel it might be right for you to start doing some sort of sleep training or just going out for a few hours and leaving the baby with someone else to look after, don't feel that that is wrong! Don't feel like that is bad or failing etc. But do do it in your own time but do consider your DH feelings as well, he probably just misses you!

I just wanted to add my support. You're doing absolutely nothing wrong. You're listening to what your daughter is telling you she needs and responding accordingly.

I don't think people without these kinds of babies quite get it and put it down to pfb.

I really regret spending so much of my maternity leave battling dd and trying to get her to 'conform'. It's just not who she is. She needs me and that's perfectly natural. I often think she would have been happy born into one of those societies where they strap 'em up to themselves and just leave a tit out all day

Dd is almost two now and still very similar. We've got by through resigning ourselves to it and working out strategies to work our needs around hers. I won't lie, it's bloody hard and envy/rage inducing watching others swan off leaving their kids with babysitters but we've accepted to a point this just is how it is for a while. It's not forever.

I would advise trying to get her settled with a childminder/nursery in advance of going back to work. They've seen it all before and once they've bonded they'll be fine (my bottle refusing non-napping baby has worked out strategies of her own) and it gives you the option of using annual leave days/hours to go out as a couple. Not quite a night on the tiles but good enough.

If it's any consolation, outside of the home (and her sonstant need to be within touching distance ) my dd is super confident. She runs off into any group chatting and playing, barely giving me a second glance whilst my friends kids can often be found glued to their sides. Swings and roundabouts.

if you do find a method that works please post it! I'll give anything a go! But I don't push things anymore. If she's not ready she's not ready. Things that didn't work 3,4,6 months ago might have an impact if you try them again after a rest but don't make the mistake I did and keep pushing things that were obviously not working. Cry it out doesn't work on every child which is another thing no one seems to want to admit.

Your baby sounds exactly like my DS at the same age - I particularly recognise the phenomenon of being the pitied one in my group of mum friends because DS was either clinging to me or complaining. Also I couldn't breastfeed and didn't (knowingly) attachment parent, so do not think you have created a problem there. Some babies are just hard work.

I was similarly worried about going back to work, but it was great! DS loved his minder, and now loves nursery (childminder went part time. I think DS broke her). Also his sleep got much better towards the end of his first year as he was eating more solids.

Does your DP have a good bond with DD? If he is always sitting waiting for you to get back from rushing off to DD he will get bored and restless, but if he is doing at least 50% of the rushing off and comforting then not only will he be participating instead of advising you how to rear your baby, he will also be too tired to want to be out every night, so at least you will both be on the same page.

Oh and I forgot to add - my dp kind of turned it to everyone else treating me like I was a dickhead intent on keeping her glued to me. We had a massive bust up over it when he conceded the point that he hadn't/couldn't 'fix' the situation so exactly what super power did he think I was able to pull out of my arse on top of everything I'd already tried?

Your dh either needs to pull something out of the bag as a solution or get on your team. This is as much his problem as yours. He is the other parent here.