Not allowed to take presents home

florenceandthefig · 2017-10-15T17:34:15+00:00

My MIL buys birthday and xmas presents for my DD who's nearly 4 but they have to stay at her house. She looks after DD half a day each week and these toys (which will be things DD desperately wants to play with) won't be allowed to come home with her. My BIL and SIL have a DD who is slightly younger than my DD and, from what I gather, she takes her toys home. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal but it irks me a little bit that DD would love to take them home but she effectively hardly gets to see them and shares them with her cousin who my MIL also looks after. I know I sound like a massive bitch but now DD is getting older I can't be fucked having to explain why she can't take her presents home. Is this normal?

BakedBeans47 · 15/10/2017 18:37

What does your MIL say when you’ve asked to take them home?

What would she do if you just picked them up and took them?

Unless it’s a massive piece of plastic tat that you’d be quite glad to leave there or a big garden toy it does seem a bit weird. What’s the bloody point in spending money buying a toy that only gets used a half day a week?

Fishface77 · 15/10/2017 18:39

Tell her she's not allowed to give presents to your DD anymore.
Or buy her something really lovely then take it home with you and when she asks what your doing say well you do the same with toys you gift to DD so I'll do the same to you.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 15/10/2017 18:39

Just take them. If MiL creates a row give her a withering look, hand DD the toy and leave. Do this every time. She'll be the one who looks like a meanie for rowing over a child's toy.

Original poster

florenceandthefig · 15/10/2017 18:42

bakedbeans

Maybe this is my problem. I haven't questioned her on it. If my niece had to do the same thing then I'd think it strange but I'd just go along with it. However, I don't think it seems to be the case that her toys have to stay.

I think I'll just say loudly this year "oh DD you're going to have so much fun with this at home!"

OP posts:

WineGummyBear · 15/10/2017 18:42

If it's really your DD's present, then of course she should be allowed to take it home.

If your MAIL wants toys that stay at her house then she shouldn't present them as presents for your DD

GnomeDePlume · 15/10/2017 18:43

So effectively they arent presents at all really just nice of MiL to buy things she knows your DD will like to play with when she goes to MiL's house.

WhatwouldAryado · 15/10/2017 18:44

They are MIL toys then aren't They? Very odd. Get her to mark what she's like from the ELC catalogue or buy her some 50 piece jigsaw as she likes them so much.

TheQueenOfWands · 15/10/2017 18:44

Not presents then, are they?

Tell MiL to stop dressing up her random house purchases as gifts.

GeillisTheWitch · 15/10/2017 18:45

Could you rotate toys on a one in one out basis from your house to MIL's so swap a new toy for an older one to go there so she will have things to play with when she's there each week?

SwimmingInLemonade · 15/10/2017 18:52

This is so mean! If your MIL wants to make sure she has things to play with at her house she could always buy some little extras for her grandchildren to share (my mum has always kept a few puzzles and bits and bobs for any visiting children). Or you could pack her a bag of her favourite toys to take when she's going to MIL's. But buying someone a present and then insisting you leave it at their house is just no on, no matter what age the person is.

In all the chaos of Christmas, could you not just scoop up all the presents given to your family and squirrel them away in your bags long before you leave? If MIL says "that's staying here," I would act incredulous "Of course DD is taking this home, she'll want to play with EVERY DAY! You chose so well, aren't you great at finding the perfect presents" etc etc

If all else fails, the expensive option is to buy replicas of all the toys and them keep at home...

SwimmingInLemonade · 15/10/2017 18:54

This is so mean! If your MIL wants to make sure she has things to play with at her house she could always buy some little extras for her grandchildren to share (my mum has always kept a few puzzles and bits and bobs for any visiting children). Or you could pack her a bag of her favourite toys to take when she's going to MIL's. But buying someone a present and then insisting you leave it at their house is just no on, no matter what age the person is.

In all the chaos of Christmas, could you not just scoop up all the presents given to your family and squirrel them away in your bags long before you leave? If MIL says "that's staying here," I would act incredulous "Of course DD is taking this home, she'll want to play with EVERY DAY! You chose so well, aren't you great at finding the perfect presents" etc etc

If all else fails, the expensive option is to buy replicas of all the toys and them keep at home...

LonginesPrime · 15/10/2017 18:55

Has MIL actually stated that this is the rule? It sounds like you're not sure how this came about.

I agree you should just take them with you and not ask for permission or wait for a reaction.

She's probably cursing you for leaving all the kids' toys in her house when she only had DGD around once a week!

Also, if this is her actual rule, it's for her to explain to DD, not you.

LilQueenie · 15/10/2017 18:55

Think I would have to question it. MIL why do you allow one child to take toys home and not the other? I would be pissed that my DD was being treated different.

My sister often decides the toys at our parents should be taken to her home for her kids when its a 'must have' type toy. then DD visits and the toy she wants to play with is gone. then few weeks later its sold....

SwimmingInLemonade · 15/10/2017 18:56

Oops sorry for multiple posts. It IS really mean though!

Weddingbelle123 · 15/10/2017 18:57

My ex husband does this. Nothing that is bought for either of my DDs by him or any member of his extended family is allowed to go home with them. It's so sad for adults to behave in this way. The gifts are after all FOR THE CHILD.

TigerBreadAddict · 15/10/2017 18:58

My MIL used to do this. She even once brought a sandpit to our house on a birthday for DC to open and put it in her boot to take home 🙄

theymademejoin · 15/10/2017 18:58

Just take them with you next time. If she says anything, say "oh, I though it was a present for dd"

BalloonSlayer · 15/10/2017 19:00

I'd suggest you put the following on DD's present list for Christmas:

recorder
beads
moonsand
glitter
drum
furby
pet tarantula

MIL will soon change her tune

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/10/2017 19:04

My MIL did this one year as DS didn't have much to play with at hers and he was there 2/3 afternoons a week. It made sense to do it as a one off and she spoke to me about it. My mum has done the same on occasion but would always buy something 5 toys for the kids to take home and one to stay at hers (or just keep something at hers if she buys something they already have). I too would just pack them up and leave. If MIL says something just point out that she already has loads of toys at hers that don't get played with and unless all the grandchildren follow that rule, your DD will be taking it home.

SingingMySong · 15/10/2017 19:09

"What’s the bloody point in spending money buying a toy that only gets used a half day a week?"

see I can actually see both sides of this. Your DD presumably needs something to play with for that half a day a week. There's a certain logic in your MIL keeping some toys at her house, so why not have it that she keeps something she chose for your DD? Or do you drop DD off with a load of toys every week? We always kept a few toys at grandparents' houses, and we didn't even visit that often.

It's even possible that MIL has been on MN and seen the old strategy people recommend of asking grandparents who buy enormous presents to keep them at their houses.

Gunpowder · 15/10/2017 19:10

MIL tried to do this when DD1 was younger. It worked until DD was 2 or 3 and had the biggest tantrum ever when she couldn't take her present home. DH told MIL he could see DD's point and MIL has never done it again.

Your DD is clearly too well behaved!

bridgetreilly · 15/10/2017 19:14

That is weird. My mother looks after my nieces and nephews on a regular basis so she does have quite a lot of toys which are kept there for them. But not their Christmas/birthday presents!

sukitea · 15/10/2017 19:16

This is a change for the books; usually people hate presents from MIL's and the advice is always to ask her to keep it at hers.

OP you need to ask why she isn't allowed to take the presents home.

LovelyPrep · 15/10/2017 19:16

My MIL did this. Bought something my son desperately wanted, told him she was getting it for him and got him excited but then it became clear it was to live at her house. We haven't been back for about 4 months and don't plan to any time soon. He's autistic and he doesn't understand why his "present" can't come to his house. Can't be doing with it. At least we know for future!

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 15/10/2017 19:20

My MIL tried this. It was pretty much the end of Dh's relationship with her. She bought Ds something for his birthday he had wanted for ages, set it up and let him play for an hour or so before we were going home. Then said no it stays, you can play with it when you visit.
Only trouble she was a child minder, and her mindees got to play with it, so when Ds got there, they would not let him near it. He was devastated.
She was always pulling stunts like this and worse Not long after Dh cut her out completely and went NC as he could see it starting to affect Ds and brought back some pretty bad childhood memories.
Don't let her start this crap, it's not fair to your child.