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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wrote a letter to daughter - WIBU?

74 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 14:10

My friend is having minor surgery today. I've just spoken to her and she sounds fine if a little tired. While on the phone she told me that she'd sort of argued with her daughter after she'd woken up.

The daughter is in her 20s, my friend is the only parent she's had as her dad died a long time ago and has anxiety.

Daughter dropped her off and had to leave and wait for a phone call from my friend to tell her she'd woken up.

Basically the daughter was anxious enough as it's the first time either of them have experienced something like this and she got home and found a letter my friend wrote her basically if she died...

Her daughter was furious and traumatised and my friend thinks her daughter is being ridiculous.

I can see both sides but are either being U?

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/10/2017 17:21

I agree with CatfromJapan
The mother and daughter are feeding into each other's anxieties and I've no doubt that the mother has unintentionally passed her issues on to her dd.
The relationship sounds unhealthy.

I find it odd to think leaving out a "in the event of my death" letter was a sensible move. Perhaps leave it in a sealed envelope with a trusted family member, not somewhere in view.

Either she wanted her dd to see it or she had actually convinced herself she was going to die having minor surgery? That is a high level of anxiety and catastrophising of a situation.

StickThatInYourPipe · 15/10/2017 17:26

I might be wrong but I think feministcheesecake meant the dd would have been grateful for the letter if her dm had died during surgery and not that she would be please she died.

And I actually agree with her. An adult should should be able to get over a letter being left just in case. After all, she knew her dm was fine and had not died, no one is immortal and I think it would be comforting to have a letter. Not many people have a chance to say goodbye when they die in operations as it is mainly unexpected but the mother had accounted for this. Maybe she should have left it with someone else but it is hardly worth falling out over.

DiggyDiggyHole · 15/10/2017 17:26

Lots of us here are in our 50s or older. Your friend was unkind, thoughtless and obviously felt she needed to share the anxiety with her already struggling daughter. She didn’t need to, she could have dumped all her trauma and fear on you as you are better able to cope.

mindutopia · 15/10/2017 17:29

I don't think you're friend has done anything wrong and her daughter seems like she is being over the top and uptight. I did exactly the same when my husband and I first flew on a plane without our daughter (she stayed at home with my mum). The letter was more about our custody wishes in case we both died (we have very strong feelings about where she would live as we have another set of grandparents who would probably want custody, MIL and SFIL, but we have no contact with them and our daughter has no relationship with them). It was hidden in a desk and I told my mum where it was, just in case, but asked her not to read it. She wasn't freaked out (and we weren't even having surgery). I think actually that's a thoughtful gesture, and her daughter has overreacted.

thecatfromjapan · 15/10/2017 17:31

Sorry, Really, I forgot you were the OP and I thought you were making a general point!

I must not get ranty about older women comments.
I must not get ranty about older women comments.
I must not ....

To be honest, you've kind of convinced me she's a bit over-anxious now.

Anymajordude's reply is nice. It is lucky they have you. I think they both need a bit of a de-anxiety-ification.

thecatfromjapan · 15/10/2017 17:41

... and on the plus side (because it's Sunday and we could all do with a little bit of happiness going into the week ahead):

The surgery has gone fine.

The mother and daughter sound as though they both love each other and care for each other.

No-one acted out of dislike. All of you are acting out of care.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/10/2017 17:42

Good point Stick I think we all recoiled in horror at Feminist's post but she meant I think dd would be pleased (to have a letter) if her mum died
It was unfortunately written in a clumsy way.

seven201 · 15/10/2017 17:48

I think leaving the letter out was foolish and the daughter should have waited a day or so to tell her mum how much it hurt and worried her.

I too think a letter for minor surgery is a bit ott generally but I can understand in this instance seeing as her husband died young. I recently had major surgery (the same surgery that did nearly kill me in the past) and wrote an email to my husband (and told him not to open) for him to email sections on to relevant people, including my now toddler for when she was old enough. Basically I was too lazy to write individual letters!

Footle · 15/10/2017 17:52

thecatfromjapan, have you seen the “My mum has lost the plot” thread? It’s bound to have you rolling on the floor.

teaandtoast · 15/10/2017 17:57

I think the daughter needs to get a grip. She's in her 20s ffs.

The mum's thinking ahead, 'what if' and trying to make her daughter's life easier if necessary.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 18:10

Your friend's letter writing was overly dramatic and her emotional dependence on her dd is likely to be a contributing factor in her anxiety

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 18:13

I mean, it's probably understandable (the codependency) given their circumstances but the way she did it is a little inappropriate imo

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 15/10/2017 18:15

I see ilostitintheearlynineties put it better than I

Feministcheeseplate · 15/10/2017 19:31

I might be wrong but I think feministcheesecake meant the dd would have been grateful for the letter if her dm had died during surgery and not that she would be please she died.

That is exactly what I meant and I think anyone who claims otherwise is reaching as I specifically explained why she would be happy to have the letter and then likened it to having a will in a subsequent post. FFS

Whichever PP said they would have reported "but chose to leave it so I could stand by it" well, yes, I would have happily stood by it. I at no point thought the daughter would be happy her mother had died and no point insinuated she did.

I think people are just annoyed I thought a 20 year old should act like an adult about it, I know 30 is considered roughly the earliest anyone can be expected to act like an adult on MN.

Feministcheeseplate · 15/10/2017 19:35

My children have no one if their parent's die. I have no one I'd feel comfortable with them living with and they'd end up in care. It scares the shit out of me. I've had what someone of you would consider to be minor surgeries and I have written letters for them, I am in a fortunate position I can leave them with their dad but if I was alone and they were 20 I'd have done the same.

If you give the note to a friend you have to hope they don't think giving the note is a bad idea and keep it to themselves or whatever.

bridgetreilly · 15/10/2017 20:17

It seems like a reasonable and responsible thing for the mother to have done. I'm not really sure why the daughter found it so distressing, tbh. If it had been my mother, I'd have been relieved to know it wasn't needed, but very glad to have had it if it had been needed.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2017 01:03

Your friend was very unreasonable. She should have given the letter to you or left it in a safe place (like with a solicitor).

mathanxiety · 16/10/2017 01:51

The relationship sounds quite unhealthy, both contributing to a cycle of anxiety, and over dependent on each other.

A parent should not dump her anxiety on her children.

Insomnibrat · 16/10/2017 02:17

Both Mother and Daughter sound like absolute drama llamas tbh.

Blendingrock · 16/10/2017 03:25

I think your friend and her daughter just need to accept that they have different viewpoints on it, and that although it may have mis-fired a bit, the original intention came from a place of love and concern. We're all only human and sometimes we just have to put stuff behind us and move on.

Out2pasture · 16/10/2017 04:06

I've not rtft sorry but...
since neither my husband or myself have a will I routinely leave a note to our eldest with our last requests which do not involve extensive mechanical means to keep us alive. along with a short note to divide all assets equally. neither dh or I are particularly sensitive types...hopefully our son isn't either.

Ploppie4 · 16/10/2017 04:18

I think your friend was thoughtless and unkind. The girl probably relived her fathers death and as a result could clearly see all the potential fall out from her mothers death. Which in turn would leave her without any living parents at a unusually young age.

kmc1111 · 16/10/2017 04:19

It's a really good idea to have a letter like this, and not just when you have a health issue that makes you consider your mortality. Anything could happen, any time. It's especially important if your next of kin is unlikely to cope well with sorting things out, or isn't particularly aware of the kind of things they'd have to deal with.

However it should be something you discuss as part of a conversation about your wishes, where important paperwork is kept etc. Not something you surprise a person with while you're in surgery.

So, basically, the friend isn't BU for the letter, but the way she chose to give it to her daughter was a big mistake.

RefuseTheLies · 16/10/2017 04:28

My DM died after relatively minor surgery. I would have loved a letter from her.

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