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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wrote a letter to daughter - WIBU?

74 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 14:10

My friend is having minor surgery today. I've just spoken to her and she sounds fine if a little tired. While on the phone she told me that she'd sort of argued with her daughter after she'd woken up.

The daughter is in her 20s, my friend is the only parent she's had as her dad died a long time ago and has anxiety.

Daughter dropped her off and had to leave and wait for a phone call from my friend to tell her she'd woken up.

Basically the daughter was anxious enough as it's the first time either of them have experienced something like this and she got home and found a letter my friend wrote her basically if she died...

Her daughter was furious and traumatised and my friend thinks her daughter is being ridiculous.

I can see both sides but are either being U?

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 15/10/2017 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 15/10/2017 15:21

I've had a lot of surgery, and I have a lot of health problems - I've had a very serious illness and it's always looming int he background.

When I am having tests or an operation, I do my best to reassure my children (they are both grown up)that all will be fine. I don't dump my fears on them, I wouldn't do that. I have made arrangements if I should die to make the practical and financial stuff as easy as possible for them. Those details are with my lawyer. That's it.

I'm often frightened when I have to go to hospital - I don't need to make everyone around me frightened too.

I think leaving 'death letters' around is rather drama queenish and selfish. Sorry - and presumably meant to guilt trip the DD because they'd had a row - kind of 'if I die, I forgive you' said in feeble voice.

Maybe I sound harsh - but I don't deliberately do things to make my kids feel shit, and I don't have much truck with people who do.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 15:24

They hadn't had a row before the surgery and it was certainly not to be a drama Queen as I already stated. It was definitely misguided but no way in hell to guilt daughter into anything. That doesn't even make sense. They argued after friend had woken up and DD had told her how much it had disturbed her

OP posts:
PoppyPopcorn · 15/10/2017 15:25

Writing a letter in case you don't wake up from minor surgery is batshit crazy. (Unless of course, OP's friend has serious underlying medical issues she;s not disclosing).

I had major surgery recently with three young children and it never crossed my mind to do this as the risk is so, so miniscule. Does she write letters every time she goes out in her car?

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 15:28

Again, I think that's rather harsh. People react differently based on their own situation and as I said, her husband died young ish and it's her first time experiencing anything like it so not unreasonable to want to tell her only child that she's loved as well as financial information

I definitely don't agree with how she did it but there was no malice intended, I can confirm that much

OP posts:
DiggyDiggyHole · 15/10/2017 15:31

The best think I can hope is that your friend was thoughtless to her daughter, knowing her mental health issues. The other option is that your friend enjoys manipulating her child and pushing her buttons, enhancing her anxieties, which makes her a toxic parent.Why she didn’t give the letter to someone else ICE is incomprehensible to me. Does she often play selfish little mind games?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 15/10/2017 15:32

feministcheeseplate I assume you never had to deal with the death of a parent as a young child else you wouldn't spout such nasty rubbish. My father's death has had a huge impact on my whole life, not least on making me terrified of abandonment more than anything else. Death being the most extreme form of abandonment. I dread to think what my reaction would be if I was in the OP's friend's DD's position, finding that letter at a time when I already knew there was a chance of death anyway (trust me, the DD will be more than aware of the risks).

I don't really expect you to understand. My mother doesn't.

StrawberryMummy90 · 15/10/2017 15:32

This happened to me when I was 14. I went through my mums bedside drawers for something and found pages of letters for me, my brothers and my dad. I remember sitting in the toilet reading my mums 'goodbye' letter to us and bawling my eyes out. The way it was written suggested she was either going to commit suicide or had a terminal illness. I showed my brothers who were equally as horrified, when we confronted my mum she said she had wrote it before she had her appendix taken out as it was the first surgery she had in her whole life and was scared incase something happened, she had forgotten to rip the letter up! It was awful but saw the funny side after a couple of days!

KurriKurri · 15/10/2017 15:34

Oh - Ok sorry - I thought the row was after she;d woken up this morning - before she went into hospital and they'd had a row before she left, - so the row was regarding the letter yes? - My mistake.

Forget the bit about the guilting then - obviously I am wrong about that, I still think the letter was a very misguided thing to do, and rather self centred - she could have predicted how it would make her DD feel. But she's your friend you know her, I don't. I guess fear and anxiety is making them both feel pretty wound up and vulnerable.

But minor surgery is just that - chances of it going wrong are very slim, and if she was a risk, they'd probably have done it under local - maybe that's something she could ask about if she needs any more ops - I always go for local if possible.

SauvignonBlanche · 15/10/2017 15:49

Writing a letter like that and leaving it where her DD could find it was way OTT especially when her DD has already lost one parent and she suffers from anxiety, what was she thinking of?

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 15:50

I think that was the initial plan, local. The change at the pre op didn't make either of them feel better.

Just received a text off my friend... 9 hours later she should be able to be picked up soon. I don't think the set up is conducive to be honest with the lack of information and not allowed to wait etc. It hasn't helped that information has been drip fed to my friend and her DD I.E you can go home after you've ate/drank/weed changed three hours later to we decided to put a catheter in and now it's another three hours... Three hours passed, someone saying different and can't go yet etc

Special thanks to Timeihadanamechange l, you've summed it up perfectly I think

OP posts:
strongasmeringue · 15/10/2017 15:51

The daughter being furious is not on, shocked and upset , yes.

I once went in to work one day to find a note written to a relative of the people I worked for to be opened in case they died while away. Gave me a jolt but I thought it was sensible.

I left a card for dh when I was having a GA purely because I knew he was worried.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2017 15:54

My father died when I was a child. This is a very selfish thing to have done. The letter is all about the mother’s anxiety, not the daughters. She cried when her dd left for example. Equally selfish, my mother went in for a small operation under general anaesthesia a week ago and didn’t bother to tell me because it was “no point”. Because, hey, it would have been nice to discover she’d died on the operating table. Hmm.

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2017 16:08

Maybe your mum was anxious mummy and thought you'd be less than sympathetic? Or maybe she didn't want to worry you? Or maybe she wasn't thinking more about how her possible demise would affect her, not you. Or maybe she just didn't want to cope with your feelings on top of surgery? So many possibilities.

khajiit13 · 15/10/2017 16:08

Your friend has gone about this awfully tbh. If she felt the need to do this she should have passed it on to someone. I really, really feel for her daughter.

InsomniacAnonymous · 15/10/2017 16:28

Feministcheeseplate your post at 15.02 was disgusting. How can you even think such things?

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 16:34

I was going to report that post but thought better of it - if someone is going to state such a disgraceful comment then they should own it. I'm happy to let others see how vile it is

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 15/10/2017 16:43

Your friend sounds over-anxious, to be honest. She's probably passed it on to her dd.

Cpme on, folks, when you last went in for minor surgery, did you leave a letter for your child? No. Why not? Becuase it would be inappropriate.

Telling the dd to understand her mother's anxieties is basically telling the dd to parent her parent and to abet in the whole cycle of anxiety thing.

My own mother is very anxious. I've been through this. A trip to hospital for minor surgery meant dealing with her extreme anxiety about dying, talking her into going, getting her there, reassuring her that it was unlikely she would die (including looking up figures about deaths under anaesthetic), and listening to her plans for who would look after what should she die.

My mother is quite unwell. I put up with it. But at least I know that it's not normal, rather than having lots of people telling me that it's unreasonable not to find it somewhat upsetting.

Original poster
ReallyNotHappy76 · 15/10/2017 16:53

Catfromjapan, 'when was the last time you went in for minor surgery' sounds like it's no big deal to you which is great. But my friend is in her 50s and it's the first time she's had to deal with anything like this so to her it is a big deal

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2017 17:02

BarbarianMum
Thanks for your thoughts. She’s a narcissist. Think she was in full on martyr mode. Quite possibly she didn’t think I’d care as I’m everything negative in her life - sheer projection obvs.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 15/10/2017 17:04

I had a letter for my daughter in my bedroom drawers just in case. I did it as a friend died very suddenly who had school age children and I wanted mine to know how much I loved them/to live their lives/have fun etc just in case anything happened.She read it after looking to pinch some socks. She said she saw her name so just read it! I was worried she would be upset but as I was alive and well she was fine. Perhaps my letter wasn’t that good! I dont keep it there anymore Blush

thecatfromjapan · 15/10/2017 17:12

ReallyNotHappy I'm in my 50s. Minor surgery is, I believe, minor. If a doctor told me it was a risk, I'd worry. If a doctor told me it was minor, I'd regard it as minor.

Being in your 50s does not mean that you see death lurking in every tea-spoon.

Anymajordude · 15/10/2017 17:14

Well they're lucky they have you. It sounds like they both suffer from anxiety. If mum had done that to me I'd be saying 'FGS mum don't be silly, you'll be fine, I love you'. Being angry and upset is an overreaction. Plus the mum has obviously been doing her nut worrying and deserves some compassion. They both do really.

You, being a bit removed from the situation and having a bit more perspective hopefully means you can calm them down don't you think?

thecatfromjapan · 15/10/2017 17:16

I honestly think I should move over to Gransnet. I'm getting a bit fed up with the casual assumption that anyone past their 50th birthday should consider a retirement home.

I must be the world's most negligent parent because I haven't sat my (school-age) dd down and discussed plans for my passing with her. Clearly, I'm in imminent danger of shuffling off this mortal coil at any moment, and I'm being utterly irresponsible.

Fekko · 15/10/2017 17:16

Mum used to keep a pack of important info in the dining room when they went away 'just in case'.

Sadly she died suddenly and unexpectedly and we didn't have a clue where her will was, what her funeral arrangements should be, where anything was...