To be pissed about Inheritance

[TheMotherOfAllBeeches]

My Mum and Dad have been divorced for 18 years.
They were only married for 15 years.
My mother has now been married to her current husband for 9 years but together with him for 16 years.

My parents are still friends and I have recently found out from my mother that in their divorce agreement, she gets everything when my dad dies.
(My Dad is 15 years older than her so this is likely)

I am very low contact with my mother because she is an emotionally abusive and controlling woman and she is very grabby when it comes to money. (she was like that with her brother and his wife when both my grandparents died)

My dad is very old fashioned (he is 80) and will not discuss finances / his will etc.

AIBU to think my mother is being insanely grabby to get everything my dad (who still works!) has made for himself when they were together such a short time relatively and he’s worked hard for his comfort and life and then she grabs it all & leaves my brother and I with nothing!

Because I am low contact and tbh probably going NC soon, I know that she will write me out of her will too.

I also think she will TRY not to let us have a say in the funeral and packing up his belongings when in fact we are his next of kin.

I’m considering contesting the will when my dad dies, is that unreasonable?

TheMotherOfAlBeeches what also matters is your own financial situation and your mothers. But bluntly, if you don't actually need the money, the court will take that into consideration, likewise if your mother is in dire financial straits you may find you have less of a claim on it.

UPDATED CASE LAW - CONTESTING A WILL - ADULT CHILDREN

It is accepted pursuant to Section 1(d) of the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975 that adult children are entitled to contest a will bringing a claim for reasonable financial provision if they have not received sufficient provision from their parents’ estate.

The matters to be taken into account when establishing whether an adult child has received reasonable financial provision are as follows:

The financial resources and financial needs which the applicant has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future.
The financial resources and financial needs which any other applicant may have in the foreseeable future.
The financial resources and financial needs which any beneficiary of the estate of the deceased has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future.
Any obligations or responsibilities which the deceased had towards any applicant or towards any beneficiary of the estate of the deceased.
The size and nature of the estate of the deceased.
Any physical or mental disability of the applicant.
Any other matter, including the conduct of the applicant or any other person which in the circumstances of the case the court may consider relevant.

Basically nothing is guarenteed and it will be a huge emotionally and financially draning hassle for you and your family.

Whatever you think the hassle is now of talking to your dad. it's almost certainly the better option.

Fgs, she’s said that she’s happy not to get the moneys, if he gave it to charity. She’d be very glad if he gave it to his DGC. It’s about her feelings towards her abusive mum. How many times? You want to think she’s grabby do you can lay into her, because you enjoy being nasty to posters, admit it.

Indeed raisins it's a hard subject to raise with someone but bloody easier than going through all this after. What upsets most people is when they feel the deceased wishes have been over looked. Which is why it's imperative for everyone to make wishes clear before they pass away.

Dh dm is control freak I can see her trying same shit. Luckily dh would just walk away and leave her to it. Even if fils wishes had been different. Some battles ate not worth it

The money has already been gifted - nothing to do with her will. DH has zero expectations of that and in many ways, is expecting inequitable treatment - he’d rather not know. He wouldn’t consider challenging it though even if it was ‘unfair.’ It’s way too late - the sibling relationship is already fractured from the overt favouritism over the years. The irony of that totally escapes MIL who obviously wants everyone to remain close but is oblivious to the fact that her own actions has caused the gradually ever distancing relations between her children. I’ve learnt not to get involved since we still ‘pretend’ to get along once/twice a year.

Grabby in the extreme.

The OP has stated that her mother will inherit everything from her father when he dies. So far, so bitter. Except where the OP's grabbyness comes to the fore is when she states that her mother, with whom she intends to go NC anyway, doesn't intend to leave her anything when she dies. Frankly why should she? If her daughter wishes to have no contact with her why on earth would she then want to leave her money to her?

Maybe the nc is for valid reasons, but the reality is that you can't have it both ways. If you choose to go nc with a relative then that means cutting off all ties with them, including a right to their money when they die.

So in short, if the father leaves his money to the ex wife when he dies that is his right or something which was agreed for reasons which the OP is likely not privy to. If the mother chooses to leave nothing to the OP then that is her right if the OP has cut all contact with her.

Personally I don't think that normal families discuss their wills pre their death. It's only the families where bitterness and favouritism exists where this seems to happen, to ensure maximum upset prior to the event. I have no idea what's in my parents' will and neither do I care. Chances are they may have to spend it all on care fees anyway before the time comes if they live to a ripe old age. And if not I hope they spend it on holidays.

If he has always said the money was go in to your mum, why do you think you should change his mind? Just because you feel she doesn't deserve it, doesn't mean you get o decide for him.
If he is competent, earned it himself, and doesn't owe it anywhere, he should be allowed to leave his money where ever he likes .

It sounds like the arrangement is what would have happened if they have remained married?

You talk about contesting the will. Do you have any legal grounds to do so? You haven't mentioned any in your post.

It’s not necessarily about the money. The issue is that the OP’s mother goaded her about it, making trouble. I mean, why tell her that she was going to inherit anyway?

There’s so much involved with who inherits what. My MIL sounded very grabby after my DH’s paternal GPs died. She’s really not a grabby person at all normally. She made a massive fuss about being a lovely framed photograph which she felt that she, DH and BIL should have rather than their auntie, FIL’s sister, despite the auntie being in the photo. She was also precious about getting a share of the money, even a small one. It was very personal, based on her FIL’s attitude towards her throughout her marriage to DH’s DF, which didn’t change despite her doing everything for him towards the end. They were also all grieving DH’s DF, who died in a car accident, and GM, who died 3 months later. His GF died 2 years later, and arguments over the will and the house were horrible. But MIL is actually very generous normally and not grasping, though her behaviour at the time made her seem that way to me.

I disagree lover. I think its old fans ineffective not to discuss will and actually families who are get on are open about it. Why wouldn't they be. It's the ones that dint, that'd dont tend to share.
It's just really good idea if people start together make wills in the first place and talk about them without their emotional angst.
The point with this op is that she feel her df doesn't understand the depth of her issues with her dm. If he did show he understood this then perhaps one would feel more inclined to summise that he didn't intend to leave her money. It's the misunderstanding that becomes painful when you have been cut out.. Ie he wanted me to have some.. Money but he never realised how much she hated me

Get it clearly now.
Ask him straight u
Op, dad if you are wrong and we never speak again (dm and I) 0 and I do never get penny or dc would you be happy with that scenario.

My brother and I are only 30 so we have a fairly open view on talking about money unlike our Dad.

Thanks for the support. I will speak to my brother and see if he will talk to my dad together with me.

And to those saying I’m grabby - you can have an opinion on here but it is wrong so I will happily ignore you.

I think that s a good idea.
If he tells you it's not true you will be able to move forward with your relationship with him and your mother.
If he tells you it is true then you will able to come to terms with it.
If he refuses to talk about then you will have to respect his wishes and leave the subject alone.
I truly hope you resolve this op as it sounds a horrible situation.

Your father has already made it clear that he doesn't want to discuss finances or his will and you think it's a good idea to talk to him with your brother?

For those saying it's about her mother goading her/making trouble. As DF has been divorced from her for 18 years it's so not his problem!

I don't understand why people are so secretive about wills. We rewrote our wills recently to bring them up to date. Explained everything to our adult and near adult DCs and told them where the wills are kept.

If my DCs wanted to ask anything I would think they were being sensible not Granby.

Sorry, grabby, not Granby!

gnome

I couldn't agree more we have done the same thing and I will show and help dc when much older on how to sort the estate out too without solicitors.

I think op needs to accept maybe he doesnt want his money to go to his dc, which is fine, his choice. but it does need to be made clear now.

I think you need to tell your dad what your mum said, and explain your reasons for asking. He may be unwilling to discuss money per se but he might want to put your mind at rest?

Your dad might know things about your mum that you don’t. Things that happened between them. Maybe he takes his vows very seriously. Maybe there are promises he made that he intended to always keep no matter what.

I could see myself being in your dad’s position. I have been with dw for 2 decades and there are things that we’ve been through that my dd will probably never know about. I’m raising my dd to be independent, I plan to give her the best start I can in life and hope she flies.

I would be disappointed and sad if my dd approached me in the future how you plan to do to your dad.

NewDaddie but what is the issue with explaining how you plan to leave your estate? Surely better to explain any unusual provisions in person than leave them as unanswerable questions after your death?

A friend effectively disinherited one of his daughters through an ill thought through clause in his will. It is only through the goodwill of his other daughter that his estate is being shared.

On the whole people have the best of intentions when writing their wills but we all know what the road to hell is paved with.

I get what you’re saying @GnomeDePlume and I also think almost all things should be discussed openly... But at the same time you must understand that some people want to take some secrets to the grave.

Btw I don’t think OP is grabby or a bad person but something feels off about this so I’d say let sleeping dogs lie.

Divorce does not invalidate an existing will but it's read as if the ex spouse was dead i.e. Any gift to them fails. Remarriage invalidates the will entirely unless it's made in contemplation of marriage to a particular named person then that marriage would not invalidate it.

I'm reposting this from a PP.
A divorced spouse is completely ignored in a will UNLESS the will was re-written after the divorce and names the ex as a recipient. You don't know, because your Dad refused to discuss it.

You should respect his wishes. He has made his position regarding privacy VERY clear to you.

You could challenge after his death, but until then the whole issue is moot anyway - he may need it to pay for his care, he may have left it to charity, he may have left it to you/your brother/your children
Fact is, until there is a death, there isn't an inheritance.

Back off him, like he has asked you to.

I don’t think you are being grabby op. It’s fairly normal for a person on their second marriage not to leave everything to their first spouse. I would imagine your dads second and present wife would be disappointed to be left nothing as well. I suspect your mother is lying to be honest.

But @NewDaddie if you effectively reference the secret in your will eg leaving a bequest to an apparently random stranger it is going to leave your DC with a lot of questions which you can't answer. Your DC may be left hurt or upset by this especially if they come up with an answer which fits the detail without being the truth.

Wills get out of date, they make sense at the time of writing but can last for many decades. Provisions which seemed sensible at the time of writing can have the opposite effect from that intended. For example DH's GF wanted to name all his grandchildren in his will - a lovely thing. However if he had done so he would have disinherited the grandchildren born after the will was written.