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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I mean to DS?

41 replies

ChickenLegz · 15/10/2017 08:53

Quick back story - I'm remarried and my two boys from PR live with us. They're 16 and 18.

Since June it's been a nightmare. They left college/school and basically did nothing for 3 months. Just dossed around the house making a mess, nattering for money and getting under each other' feet. DS1 started local uni end of September but although it's supposed to be a full time course, he only seems to be there for two hours max a few times a week meaning he's STILL constantly moping around the house in his dressing gown eating and making a mess. Cooking and leaving shit all over the kitchen, pissing all over the bathroom etc etc. DS2 is still doing nothing (we're working on it with support) meaning he's constantly in the house but he's worse, he steals, has girls back and is smoking dope. Basically we're having a right time of it.

On top of the obvious concerns DH and I never get a break, there is always "something" going on. We never get time on our own and our marriage is suffering.

This Saturday the boys were meant to be staying at their dad's house. It's the first time DH and I have been alone for months. We got a takeaway, opened a bottle of wine and sat down to cuddle on the sofa with a movie. It was bliss.

Then at 9pm DS1 strolls through the front door saying he couldn't be arsed to stay at his dad's. I lost my shit and shouted at him that he had to go. He said "I'm an adult, I can do what I want" and I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from shouting "yes you're an adult, so move out!". I didn't say it but I'm so fed up and exhausted with the pair of them that i genuinely thought it.

I forced him to go. He wasn't happy and then I felt guilty but I'm really at the end of my tether with the pair of them. I never get a break. They're always THERE. We go to bed on a night and all we can hear is DS1 battering away on his computer keyboard, early hours of the morning doors flying open, toilet flushing, doors slamming shut - its CONSTANT. DH and I don't even have sex anymore as DS1 is constantly in his adjoining bedroom making a racket and it puts us off.

WIBU to make him go? All this "I'm 18, I can do what I want!" Is making me want him to move out. I need space. I feel suffocated.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 15/10/2017 09:15

He's 18 years not 18 months, he should consider being a help not a burden.

Time to talk nicely about doing his share in the house you live in and letting his mum and stepdad have one night to themselves.

Greenleaf54321 · 15/10/2017 09:18

this is his home and you are his parent, he should feel unconditionally welcome.

Quite aside from that, he should also be paying you rent, helping with housework, and following your ground rules,

Original poster
ChickenLegz · 15/10/2017 09:19

I've spoken to him loads of times. His bedroom is an absolute shit hole with empty yogurt pots, pot noodle cartons, empty cans and crisp packets everywhere. Mucky clothes. He cooks and leaves grease and mucky pots everywhere for when we get in from work. When we tell him off about the kitchen he shoves his mucky pots into the dishwasher (with all the clean stuff from the last cycle) and just leaves them there. Yesterday he left the gas hob on and then denied it - if we hadn't come home when we did it would have been left on all day. DH burnt his arm on it as a result. It's just exhausting.

OP posts:
Greenleaf54321 · 15/10/2017 09:19

smoking dope, on the other hand, that is an absolute no.

zero tolerance on that. he is 16, this will impair his IQ for life. he is a child and you are responsible for him. He needs a much firmer hand.

Original poster
ChickenLegz · 15/10/2017 09:20

He pays no rent or board either. He's got £2k in bank from his student loan and just spends it all on clothes and gadgets (and food)

OP posts:
Greenleaf54321 · 15/10/2017 09:20

I've spoken to him loads of times what consequences have there been though?

LaughingElliot · 15/10/2017 09:20

Sounds intolerable, I think you’ve been incredibly patient!

Original poster
ChickenLegz · 15/10/2017 09:21

What consequences can you have for an 18 year old? It's not like I can ground him.

OP posts:
MamaOfTwos · 15/10/2017 09:23

Don't give him money
Don't buy any food like pot noodles etc
Don't give them lifts
Put dirty pots etc on his bed
Ask girls to leave
Hide valuables/store them elsewhere
Change the wifi password

Take a hard line, this shit will not stand in your house anymore.

Squeegle · 15/10/2017 09:23

He is being crazily selfish; I know it's normal, but it is up to you to enforce the difference now. What can you do that will make a difference?

GinIsIn · 15/10/2017 09:23

Stop giving them any money! None at all. If they want to buy things they can get a job. I would also consider putting a padlock on the fridge so your DS can't cook and leave mess.

Original poster
ChickenLegz · 15/10/2017 09:24

Just to be clear it's DS2 that is doing the dope, stealing and girls etc. Not DS1. DS1 is just messy and lazy. Won't lift a finger and is constantly "there".

OP posts:
Squeegle · 15/10/2017 09:25

Yes to changing wifi password, yes to dishes and no to buying him anything. Time for a discussion. Ask him if he wants to carry on living there.

stella23 · 15/10/2017 09:26

Wifi password maybe? Basic food in the house. Don't give any money

bingbongnoise · 15/10/2017 09:26

Blimey you poor thing! Sounds like these little shits need to go in the fucking army for a year.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have really disruptive lazy adult children living at home. I mean, none are perfect, but most start to behave reasonably well when they are young adults.

I know 6 or 7 people with children aged between 19 and 29 who still live at home; a few of them don't have a job either. They sponge off parents, do fuck-all in the house, and are lazy.

It really is a case of losing your shit and chucking them out if it's THAT bad. Not an easy thing to do, but scraping all their shit together and dumping it all in the front garden and changing the locks may be the only answer.

Not many people would do that though.

I really have no advice, but you do have my sympathy.

Hopefully someone else can advise you who has been through the same.

Wishingandwaiting · 15/10/2017 09:29

If you had stayed with the father of the boys then you would be in exactly the same position but there wouldn’t even be the option of them staying with their father.

So yes I do think you were unfair. You basically told him to get out of his home.

He’s 18 not 28.

Wishingandwaiting · 15/10/2017 09:31

He sounds utterly disrespectful though. I’m guessing this didn’t happen over night and has been a long slow burning thing that should have been nipped in the bid much earlier.

Shockers · 15/10/2017 09:37

We have two teens; they have to eat what we eat, so they're there at mealtimes, or we save it for later if they're out. This is your first battle- don't buy any more convenience food for them to eat straight from pots.

Turn the wifi off at a certain time each evening to promote good sleeping habits. Get together and agree on a compromise for this, so they don't just feel that they aren't part of the process.

Already you're getting into a better routine as a family. If you can stand it, ask them whether they'd be prepared to have a weekly family night- get some grown up board games.

They sound like they aren't yet capable of self regulation, and without that, independence will be very difficult.

They will meet you with resistance at first, but hopefully, as their lives become more structured, and they feel healthier, they will begin to appreciate why you've made these changes.

Good luck.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/10/2017 09:40

He's your child and should be welcome in his family home at any time. If you wanted some alone time as adults you could have gone out for the evening. Part of having children is them always being there but you make them sound like an annoying inconvenience now you have a new partner.

The rest if the issues should have been dealt with far sooner but it sounds like you opted out of parenting when the new relationship came along.

Greenleaf54321 · 15/10/2017 09:41

What consequences can you have for an 18 year old? It's not like I can ground him.

the same consequences he would face from a non relative

Isadora2007 · 15/10/2017 09:44

The rest if the issues should have been dealt with far sooner but it sounds like you opted out of parenting when the new relationship came along.

This.

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2017 09:45

"He's your child he should feel welcome in his family home at any time"

Um, no. He's not treating it as a family home, he's treating it as a crash pad and his family with contempt. He's not entitled to a perpetual free ride and the OP's a fool if she gives him one.

LadyLapsang · 15/10/2017 09:46

As Wishing states, if your marriage hadn't broken down there would be no option to send them elsewhere - its their home. And surely at 18, it's up to him to arrange to see his dad. On the other matters, however, I would take a hard line. Sixteen year old not in education, employment or training and using illegal drugs is a recipe for mental health and other problems - that needs to stop straight away.

CheesecakeAddict · 15/10/2017 09:47

You need to put your foot down now, because otherwise this won't stop once they get past 18. They are quite frankly taking the piss. With no job, I don't think it'll help to make them pay rent, but you do need to enforce house rules. No strangers back to the house, no drugs in the house, no eating out of the kitchen (obviously can't clean up after themselves - you will end up with rats) and they should be helping out with the cleaning or at the very least once a week must properly clean their room (laundry in the basket, everything tidied away, dusted and vacced). If they are not happy with that, then they need to find somewhere else to live - and you need to be strict with that.

BeyondThePage · 15/10/2017 09:48

What is his "life plan" ?
What does he intend to do for a living?
Why is he not studying at uni even when he has no lectures? It is expected that people do 5hours independent study for every hour of taught time.
What is he doing to get himself work in the area he wants to work in? Jobs will not jump out and bite him on the bum in 3 years time if he cannot show he is employable
What does he do for money? The student loan doesn't last forever.

and lastly TELL him that his "right to do what he wants" comes ALONGSIDE the responsibility to be an active member of his family.