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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to move to the other side of the country

57 replies

FleurDelacourr · 14/10/2017 21:59

I am probably being very unreasonable and selfish, and am completely prepared to be told I am so. DH has been offered his dream job starting in the middle of January. It's a perfect job for him, he was head hunted for it and it means a very significant pay increase. My issue is its 300 miles away, and my due date is in the middle of December. We also have two DDs aged 11 and 4.

I don't want to move for loads of reasons, mainly having a tiny baby when moving or being very heavily pregnant, but also that DD1 has only just managed to settle into her current school, and I don't know how well she'd do moving schools again. I don't know if I'd be able to get a job there, and I currently earn more than DH, and my wages now are still more than his salary at the new job. We also live very near my parents, and they look after DDs a lot.

DH likes his current job, but finds it unfulfilling, but is okay with not moving if I really don't want to.

The reason I feel so selfish is because we lived abroad for 8 years so that I could do my dream job. DH hated it the entire time, and it got to the point that it was either we moved back to the UK or he left, which is my we're here. I feel like I owe it to him to move for his dream job, especially since it's not nearly so far away, and is only a 2 year contract. We'll also be much closer to his parents, but still 1.5 hours away.

I'm being really selfish aren't I?

OP posts:
May50 · 14/10/2017 23:37

YANBU. Don't move. 11 year old just settled, you are due December. 2 year contract DH can travel down in week, and come home for weekends , certainly for the time being.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/10/2017 23:38

The move would be from Scotland to the south of England.

You are aware there are domestic flights between scotland and england?.....

Evelynismyspyname · 14/10/2017 23:45

If he flies between say London and Edinburgh every week that's £500 per month in flights, plus airport parking or train or other transport from the work end of the journey, on top of rent for a room in the south east while family staying Scotland.

It will need to be quite some pay rise to absorb all of that after tax.

pallisers · 14/10/2017 23:51

Forget the past. life isn't a tit for tat - you move now, I move in 2 years.
you go out tonight, I go out tomorrow night - that is a ridiculous way to think about marriage.

Instead think about what is right for your entire family. You now have an 11 year old to consider. She is settled. I would be very very loathe to move her unless the move was essential and/or was way more than a "dream job". dream jobs are still jobs - you do it for the money and go home to your family at the end of it. And jobs appear in all sorts of places - not that particular job but other jobs.

Having family around and having your own job are also significant considerations.

I will say that I moved for dh and then the opportunity for the move back came when my oldest was 11. I couldn't do it to him - and I had more on the move back than you do (family/friends/jobs). I never for a moment thought "well I moved for dh so now everyone has to move for me".

Also - perhaps your dh won't really want the responsibility of moving everyone across the country and dealing with the aftermath (and there will be an aftermath for everyone) just so he can have a job he really likes. lots of pressure on him to never complain about his job if he moves. Maybe he will understand completely.

scaryteacher · 15/10/2017 00:11

Evelyn It's fine to move a child in secondary, though preferably not after Year 9. If the OP and her husband see each other every fortnight that cuts costs, and the flights can be quite cheap depending where you fly from and to.

Evelynismyspyname · 15/10/2017 00:23

scary fine is relative. It's not the end of the world but it's a big upheaval just to meet the wants of one parent. If it's necessary because of redundancy and no suitable jobs locally the child may have to make the sacrifice for the family as the alternative is financial hardships or worse. In this case there is no need at all though, and the child has no choice about giving up her stability because her father wants to leave a stable but boring permanent job for a 2 year contract 300 miles away.

There is nothing in it for anyone except the dad, and who knows whether he'll be able to find a job in the same area after 2 years to prevent them all uprooting again, or if he does a weekly commute starting when his dc3 is only 4 weeks old, whether he'll be able to find a job that enables him to move back in with his family in Scotland in 2020.

To fortnightly commute the payrise would need to be at least 15k a year before taxso as not to be financially worse off, given he'll be renting a room as well as traveling.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 15/10/2017 01:26

Would the schooling options be better or worse than you currently have?
What about the area & what's available for the kids?
A few years down the line & uni would not be free in England but there may be more job opportunities down south?

itsbetterthanabox · 15/10/2017 02:21

There will be other jobs he can get close by. There's almost no benefits here for any of you.
Him commuting at weekends seems a terrible idea. Not living with the family just for a job is a huge sacrifice. Why should the op do all the childcare and housework whilst also being the breadwinner.
He's being selfish to consider this. Your daughter has just started secondary and you are having a baby- close by family will be invaluable.
There will be other jobs closer jobs closer by that he can get and feel better doing. It isn't stay in a job he hates or this new one. That's not the only choices.

RemainOptimistic · 15/10/2017 02:55

Being headhunted for it doesn't mean it's a good job. Dh may well hate it and want to leave 6 months in. What then?

Why not have him look around in Scotland and contact agencies where you are now to explore opportunities for similar?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/10/2017 02:57

Yanbu.

It's not fair to uproot you all for so little.

Encourage him to look closer to home.

RemainOptimistic · 15/10/2017 02:57

Also if anyone can drive from Scotland to the south of England in 6 hours I would be very impressed - or is the job in the Midlands OP?

Cantseethewoods · 15/10/2017 02:59

I'm really conflicted on this, largely because I think it it were reversed, the consensus would be "you've had your chance to build your career, a the cost of your wife's happiness, now lit's her turn'" and I don't think that the main wage earner should necessarily get to call all the shots (can you tell I'm a trailing spouse?)

However, given the info provided, there isn't enough upside to make this worth it IMO. There's a risk that you lose your main salary while incurring much higher living costs, plus the DC change schools, and then potentially need to change again in Year 11.

I can see both sides though.

SevenSheep · 15/10/2017 03:27

Yes you're being selfish. Your DH spent 8 years being miserable to allow you to pursue your dream job. You need to do the right thing and repay the favour. Your DC will settle in a new school and you'll find a new job, even if it's not so well paid. Just because you're the higher earner doesn't mean you get to call all the shots.

Movablefeast · 15/10/2017 03:34

It seems a highly risky move for a 2 yr contract - 3 kids where you don't know a soul would be stressful, especially with a new baby.

Movablefeast · 15/10/2017 03:36

I also moved between continents - twice - so I am not a relocation wimp, but a realist.

flumpybear · 15/10/2017 04:25

You’ll miss out on your works maternity pay if you move now!

Two year contract isn’t great either - what part of south England is it and how easy would it be for him to get another role like this?

It doesn’t sound ideal to me particularly if you’ve got a permanent job

Ilovetolurk · 15/10/2017 05:38

I would at least wait and see how he gets on in the job, it might not work out

Have your baby and get your younger DD through the school year where you are, as a minimum

Heebiejeebies I am sure OP is aware that domestic flights exist

dangerrabbit · 15/10/2017 07:58

Your DH is being massively selfish and considering only his own needs and not the needs of the whole family. Sounds like you also feel guilty about him helping you in the past and want to reciprocate but that is not a good reason to uproot your children particularly in secondary school. Housing is massively expensive in the south east and without knowing areas you would be playing a lottery with schools too. Too much risk to take. He has a family now so has to think about people other than himself. If he really wants the job he can commute and I like the idea of working from home - could he work from home 2 days A fortnight so he can go home once a fortnight and spend a decent time at home? If they headhunted him they presumably want him so he could be in a position to negotiate.

Bananmanfan · 15/10/2017 08:06

I moved area & school a few weeks before I started high school, it turned out to be a disaster. I don't think there could have been a worse time for me to move. (I also moved area/school aged 8, which was fine). YANBU.

scaryteacher · 15/10/2017 08:11

Evelyn How on earth do you think HM Forces cope? Most officers move every 18 months to 2 years, and for the Army, that may mean the whole family moving. For the Navy, that means sea time, so effectively the non sea going partner deals with everything whilst they are away, or it means weekending if your home is near Plymouth, and they get posted to Northwood, Shrivenham, Scotland, Bristol, Portsmouth, or MOD in London.

Even in civilian life lots of families do weekly commuting. It's not unusual.

I was a Forces child, we moved. The world didn't end. For preference, I would want a child in place for Years 9-11, but moving in Year 7 isn't an issue. There is no reason why the Year 7 can't see the year out and start at the new school in Year 8.

seven201 · 15/10/2017 08:46

I think the difference is when you lived abroad you didn't have a dc in secondary school. Yes obviously kids sometimes have to move schools, but if the rest of the family are happy where you are and you have a good job then I think you should stay put. Family support shouldn't be underestimated. I don't have family nearby to help with last minute childcare etc. and it's bloody hard.

Appuskidu · 15/10/2017 08:52

Will the large pay rise be enough to afford you the same size house you have now when you move to the South East? Will it also cover the childcare that you currently have provided free by your parents?

You would need to be earning huge amounts more.

HipToBeSquare · 15/10/2017 08:58

I think with your current situation yanbu not to go. There are too many pro's for the family to stay.

But I read your OP and thought your dh put up with it for EIGHT YEARS and you're only back as he gave an ultimatum?

You sound incredibly selfish overall.

cluelessnewmum · 15/10/2017 08:59

Yanbu at all OP

I have seen that the job means you moving from Scotland to the South which means your money will not go nearly as far, so you will have a worse standard of living than now. I suspect the reason is that the salary is more us because it's in the south and its only a 2 year contract.

It would be unfair to uproot your children and move away from where there you gave childcare help from parents. I would argue it from the perspective of not uprooting your children for 2 years rather than from your perspective. Also look up house prices near the job, that will probably be sobering.

If he was headhunted they might well be more flexible than you think - I would be surprised they expected him to uproot his whole family for only 2 years. He should discuss flexible working with them and see if he can work out something that could work for all of you.

Could he fly to and from the job?

lightcola · 15/10/2017 09:19

I moved 270 miles from friends and family for my partners job and it was horrible. So lonely and a real struggle with no support. We ended up moving back.

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