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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that I can stay in the family home and he would have to pay half the mortgage?

78 replies

Lennon80 · 14/10/2017 13:28

Currently considering divorcing my husband of 15 years. The mortgage is 1k a month which I could never afford on my own. If however he paid half I could stay. He earns about 75k a year - have a got a hope in hell? Kids are 6 and 2 uears.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 14/10/2017 23:11

If he has more kids, maintenance would drop too

Allthewaves · 14/10/2017 23:11

Also he might just not pay it

verystressedmum · 15/10/2017 01:13

Fifty fifty is a starting point. The court will look at the equity and assets and each persons earnings and mortgage capacity.
You probably won’t get spousal maintenance because of your own income but you’ll get child maintenance. The equity share you’ll get will depend on the amount there is the price of suitable houses and your mortgage capacity.
If he has earnings of 75K they should look at his potential outgoings and what mortgage he can get on his income and what deposit he’ll need.
They should do the same for you.
My dsis went through the same things and it was a bit more complicated than what I’ve outlined but I’m pretty sure the crux of it was that.

shakingmyhead1 · 15/10/2017 01:51

My friend went through this here in NZ, he had to pay the mortgage ( as well as his rent and a bit of maintenance ) but then he had to charge her half the market rent, and then once the home we sold it was 50/50 each
( if she had moved out early then it was to be paid by both until sold or either party was bought out), this was sorted out with lawyers and judges etc so things can be arranged in different ways to suit

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 07:37

I imagine whatever happens you will be financially worse off.
My sil had to sell her house after divorce, now lives in rented with her daughter.

Papafran · 15/10/2017 07:46

I'm glad that the legal position these days is moving towards a fifty fifty split as people have indicated

Really, Headofthehive? Please impart your legal knowledge and tell me when this move took place.

FYI 50/50 is a measure against which any financial order/settlement should be measured. However, there are many reasons to depart from equality, such as one person earning significantly less money than the other and therefore e.g. needing more of the equity. Strict 50/50 splits and 'tough shit' if someone will be in hardship as a result may be the way you roll Head but thankfully that's not how the courts see it.

Have you arranged to see a solicitor yet, OP?

OnionShite · 15/10/2017 08:09

Yes, it's very self indulgent to hijack a thread requesting legal advice with your account of what you think the law should be. Nobody cares.

Emilybrontescorsett · 15/10/2017 08:15

Bare in mind that if he meets someone with kids and moves in, your child maintenance will be reduced.
Also assume the worst. Assume he will not disclose his true earnings, assume he will not pay the mortgage and also assume he will not stick to childcare arrangements.
Divorce is usually very acrimonious.
I don't know anyone who felt they had got a 'good deal' so to speak.
Afterwards it will all be worth it though.

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 08:18

From what I see from friends who have gone through similar it appears to be moving in that direction. I don't know what the outcome of that particular case may be, and like papa says there are often reasons why it's not so. But, recently my sil was made to sell her house, and it didn't leave enough for her to buy.

Mix56 · 15/10/2017 08:43

So OP put down the deposit & pays the mortgage, she surely is entitled to 50%, she paid for his PHD, she lost her promotion as staying at home for their DC...
She is primary carer, & he is absent 30% of the time...
get to a CAB, & Solicitor & work out the finances. Then decide.
Personally I think getting a lump sum & downsizing is preferable than fighting to stay in same house.

Bekabeech · 15/10/2017 08:46

Do you have room for a lodger? You might even get one who for a reduced rent would do some babysitting/child care. And this might help you do more hours.

You don't need to to move out until the financials have been decided anyway.

moonfacebaby · 15/10/2017 09:24

HeadoftheHive - not sure you are really clued up on this, to be honest.

The only way the ops husband has been able to progress his career (with working away), is by having the op at home looking after the children.

This was how my divorce was viewed. Very high earning husband (over £100k), who would never have got that far in his career if I hadn't been at home, looking after the kids. I did work part-time for most of it too, but had very little flexibility as I teach. My earning capacity stalled as I couldn't take on more hours, or responsibility whilst being the only person at home to do everything.

Consequently, I got spousal maintenance (as one of our kids was a baby & I wasn't working at that time), a mescher order (he pays my mortgage & we sell up when the youngest is 18 with a 67.5% equity to me) & maintenance. The spousal maintenance was short term to enable me to get back to work.

My exH pays a relatively small amount of his earnings to me, whilst living a largely childfree life. He lives miles away so still gets to bail out of drop offs/pick ups & mid week overnight stays & also actually has a life - childfree evenings, getting out the house in the morning easily. My earning potential will always be compromised as my kids already have one largely absent parent & I refuse to be another one - as it stands, I do work almost 4 days in a very demanding job, with plenty of prep on top of that, so my kids don't always get the level of attention I'd like. I still can't get a mortgage as my work is regarded as temporary & I don't earn enough to get anything around here anyway.

50/50 is ridiculous as the majority of women's careers take a back seat once children arrive.

IsThisTheRealYou · 15/10/2017 09:26

Op, would you be able to move to full time work? Would that make a big difference to being able to afford the house?

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/10/2017 09:36

I'm with Head of the Hive. Its 2014 - you only earn £20,000, but that was your choice. Time to go back to work full-time. Also, of course you're going to have to downsize when you're single - if you hadn't married in the first place, you wouldn't have a big house, so why do you feel entitled to one now that you're single again? Half the equity, half the childcare costs and you going to back to work full-time should be enough. A man isn't a shortcut to a life of luxury.

parklives · 15/10/2017 09:49

Harsh you are a right wanker and it's 2017 deary.

oldfatandtired1 · 15/10/2017 09:58

You only earn 20k but that was your choice. Sorry, that’s bollocks. The OP is married and her husband was able to further his career because she did the majority of childcare. Very similar to my divorce, my career was put on the back burner while ex was able to travel the world, climbing the career ladder whilst I took on a more flexible role to be there for the kids.

OP - I got 90% equity and half his substantial pensions in return for a clean break. 50/50 is only the starting position. Please get some advice from a good family solicitor.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/10/2017 10:01

Thankfully the courts recognise the career sacrifices a SAHM makes unlike some posters on here.

Many of my friends receive spousal on top of child support even though working because it's acknowledged their husbands could not have achieved their level of success without the SAHPs sacrifice.

Fairs fair

OP I think you will be easily able to afford the mortgage.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/10/2017 10:07

Of course he could have still worked, if unusual hours he could have employed a nanny.

This notion of having no choice but to quit work or go time when having children is nonsense, it translates to wants not needs in the majority of cases.

Go back full time, sell the house and make a clean break. Be independent for once rather than expecting a man to fund the lifestyle you want. He only needs to be paying child support.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/10/2017 10:28

Some people don't understand the concept of equity. Smacks of misogyny more often than not.

The OP should pursue what she is legally and morally entitled to.

WitchesHatRim · 15/10/2017 10:33

Many of my friends receive spousal on top of child support even though working

Well that isn't very usual these day or your many friends exs are very high earners.

pieceofpurplesky · 15/10/2017 10:42

My ex earns similar and maintenance is £620 per month. I earn considerably less than £75,000 and would struggle to rent a property here for less than £900 per month. Mortgage is £1,209 per month (as we took out extra to cover the debts he had when he left his first wife - should have known he wasn’t a keeper!) Exh pays half the mortgage and has agreed to until ds is 18. Which basically is his debts.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/10/2017 11:00

No not high earners but long marriages where the women have been out of the workplace for many years ( disabled child etc)

The courts have recognised in their cases that the burden they continue to carry is greater and have awarded them accordingly.

Mix56 · 15/10/2017 11:46

harshbuttrue, because Op may no longer have her husband in the same bedroom, so she not entitled to a bedroom ?. You don't know if she is able to down size, maybe they have a 3 bed flat in the suburbs, maybe they have a 5bed/five bath in some Yuppy complex. either way, Op will hope the oldest DC will be able to continue in the same school & environment.

OnionShite · 15/10/2017 11:58

Nobody gives a shit what you think either harshbuttrue. OP is asking about the law, not people's feelz.

WitchesHatRim · 15/10/2017 12:02

No not high earners but long marriages where the women have been out of the workplace for many years ( disabled child etc)

Well having disabled DC etc is very different to the OPs case.

The OP us in the work place also.

Not comparable cases.

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