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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I can stay in the family home and he would have to pay half the mortgage?

78 replies

Lennon80 · 14/10/2017 13:28

Currently considering divorcing my husband of 15 years. The mortgage is 1k a month which I could never afford on my own. If however he paid half I could stay. He earns about 75k a year - have a got a hope in hell? Kids are 6 and 2 uears.

OP posts:
Papafran · 14/10/2017 14:03

Main issue is he is self employed so could easy play down his earnings or decide to take less work. It’s so messy

Yup, this is an issue and nearly always happens with self-employed people. Do you have a joint account? Or access to the business account? If so, you need to show a pattern of income coming in. Also make some notes that can be used later on as evidence- did he take cash? Did he give you housekeeping money in cash etc? That can help build a picture of his true earnings.

He will have to evidence his income with bank statements and annual returns so they won't just take his word for it. However, it is obviously hard when the paperwork doesn't reflect reality.

I have had cases where the court was not satisfied that the paperwork matched the reality and have inferred a particular income to the husband. Again, get legal advice... (there is a theme here)

Original poster
Lennon80 · 14/10/2017 14:06

Thanks so much for all the advice ladies - I could cover the mortgage based on the maintence he would provide. That said there is enough equity and savings for me to be forever to sell if that is the case as I could get a cheaper property.

OP posts:
hendricksyousay · 14/10/2017 14:06

The thing is , he needs somewhere to live and probably can’t afford to pay your mortgage and rent or another mortgage of his own ( as he presumably won’t have any equity to start again ) . £75,000 isn’t that much to support two homes really .

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 14:06

If he's self employed I'd be wanting the bulk of equity and a clean break.

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 14:09

@ilovesooty it was the only way for the DC to stay housed in the area (he wanted this). No way could the FMH be sold and both be housed one party would have had to rent.

It's not forever the property will get sold and he'll get his share that continues to increase in value! He'll probably be able to buy her out, she'll have to move away or downsize to a one bed.

WitchesHatRim · 14/10/2017 14:11

That said there is enough equity and savings for me to be forever to sell if that is the case as I could get a cheaper property.

Very unlikely you would be awarded everything.

You need legal advice.

Papafran · 14/10/2017 14:12

If he's self employed I'd be wanting the bulk of equity and a clean break

That is a good point. His income won't be super-reliable so you are better off getting more capital but compromising on maintenance.

Do a search on rightmove for (realistic) suitable properties in your area- print off about 6 or so. Take these with you to your solicitor. This will help to show how much you would need to rehouse. By realistic I mean if you are now living in an ex-council semi, you will not get a 5-bed detached. For 2 kids, you would need a 3 bed in a suitable area close to the 6 yo's school.

Also, do one of those online mortgage calculators to find out how much you would be entitled to and with what sort of deposit. Obviously if you have zero income at present, that will be nothing.

Again, these things help when negotiating. Much better to say 'well I would need a 100k deposit to get an affordable 3 bed and as there is not 100k equity, I need to stay in the home for the time being' than just saying 'I want to stay in the home'. It's about what is fair- for you both. As others have said, 75k is not a high income relatively.

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 14:13

Why on earth do you warrant spousal maintainance? You earn. You should be able to live on that. Plenty of people do. Child maintenance is another matter.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/10/2017 14:19

XH thought as the primary carer (nominally - it's a long story full of old resentments) he would get to stay in the house while I moved out and continued to pay the bills. He was wrong. There was enough equity for the FMH to be sold and for us to each get a cheaper house with a reasonable mortgage, so that's what the court ordered. He was so sure that once he told them all about my jet-setting lifestyle and many lovers Hmm they would either refuse the divorce or make over all the assets to him... I felt rather sorry for his solicitor.

Olympiathequeen · 14/10/2017 14:23

It’s a very complicated issue. If your H was a lower earner or played down his disposable income he would not have to pay half the mortgage if it meant he couldn’t afford anywhere to live. However if you got full custody and he was honest the court could order payment to you to cover the mortgage. I expect though there would be the condition that when the children are 18 or leave home you would have to sell and he could take a proportion of the profit from that sale.

A solicitor would have a good idea about division of property. One thing it isn’t is a free ride for life unless he is a millionaire

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 14:25

I think a fifty fifty split of equity, fifty fifty childcare or child payments, and no spousal payments is fair.

Papafran · 14/10/2017 14:30

Err Headofthehive we don't even know how much equity there is! Unless I have missed something. How can you say a 50/50 split would be fair without having that information? For a start, the OP would not be able to borrow nearly as much money as her DH for a mortgage.

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2017 14:30

Op, you’re not going to get everything, likely thr house will be fifty fifty and remain in joint ownership until it’s sold then thr proceeds split . He will have a say in that. In addition yes you’re due child maintenance but spousal maintenance is unlikely. The amount of maintenance will depend on the split of the children’s time.

As for managing the mortgage, remember there is a shit ton of other bills. Council tax, buildings insurance, utilities, cars, phone, food and general child costs, before you look at socialising or clothes.

Boulshired · 14/10/2017 14:53

Personally if possible with enough equity I would prefer the clean break to start again than remain in a joint house that at some point will still need to be split to share equity. Unless you are after him paying mortgage as well as signing over the house. No one here knows the personal accounts/ pensions/ investments of how hard your DH will fight so it hard to know how the money will be split.

Magpiemagpie · 14/10/2017 15:17

If your husband is self employed I wouldn't base my future on anything from him and I would assume that I would get zero in Child support .

All he needs is a good accountant and even if he starts of paying the CSA amount initially the second year he could easily get it down to paying you zero by or pay you a very small amount .

Original poster
Lennon80 · 14/10/2017 16:19

No it does worry me that but I think he would only try to fiddle me if I met someone else. If people meet a new partner does that affect what the father pays? I can’t see why it should, but I think that would be when I had more of a fight but you just don’t know how nasty they become when they realise you are actually divorcing them.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 17:00

papa I'm a great believer in equality. The days of meal tickets for life I hope are long gone. I cannot imagine why he needs to pay anything to an ex wife who works. So she can't get as big a mortgage? No really his problem.

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/10/2017 17:04

It will depend entirely what assets there are and what equity is in the property and pensions,savings etc.

Eg if you own a £600k home with a £100k mortgage and there are properties in the area that adequately house you and your DC for £300k then it is likely you will have to sell up.

The starting point for equity and asset splits is 50/50 but sometimes a SAHP/part time worker msy be awarded 60/40 or even 70/30.

Without your actual figures noone on here can say. Seek proper legal advice giving your solicitor as much information as you can (pension values house values etc) so they have as full a picture as possible.

LakieLady · 14/10/2017 17:09

When doing your sums, bear in mind that maintenance from the children's father doesn't count for benefit purposes and you might be entitled to some tax credits on just your salary.

But I think you need to see a solicitor, too.

Papafran · 14/10/2017 17:23

papa I'm a great believer in equality. The days of meal tickets for life I hope are long gone. I cannot imagine why he needs to pay anything to an ex wife who works. So she can't get as big a mortgage? No really his problem

That's nice. Presumably the OP is after the actual legal position rather than the views of some random on the internet though?

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 22:16

I'm glad that the legal position these days is moving towards a fifty fifty split as people have indicated.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 14/10/2017 22:20

Meal ticket - that’s a laugh I put down the vast majority of the deposit on the house and we aren’t the same until we had children and then guess what I couldn’t take a management role because I was going on maternity leave and then my mother who was providing free childcare died. Pregnant with our second child there was no point I. Taking promotion which would have meant long hours with a baby in childcare everyday. Meanwhile his career progressed and I went part time only to have all my efforts totally unrecognised. I paid for him through his PhD and he would never be able to do the work he does if he didn’t have me being primary carer for our kids. I don’t want a meal ticket I want what I am rightfully owed.

‘•lakielady* thank you I had no idea that was the case but that would make quite a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lennon80 · 14/10/2017 22:20

*earnt the same

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 22:42

But you could have worked long hours with a baby in childcare. You decided not to.

You also have had the benefit of being at home and the enjoyment of your children, which he has not had, being away from home.

You retain those memories he retains his career position.

I get your position, but he has given up chances to be with his children to work and will never get those choices back.

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 22:44

Woukd you manage better if he became a sahf?