To find it so hard to see mum.

[Twoo]

Back story. Abusive childhood. Always wanted to please parents, but never able to. I remember wanting their love, still do now. I KNOW I won't ever get it.

Always had difficult relationship with parents and sibling. Father died a couple of years ago and more recently my sibling died. Sibling was carer for mum.

Que I start doing what I can. I'm disabled myself and struggle to support mum. I know our relationship isn't healthy. She's angry her child has died and not me. I realise this could be part if her grieving process and for children to die, even adult ones before a parent is not the natural order of events.

Mum refuses to allow outside agencies to help her, won't pay for taxis (doesn't drive and can't use public transport) even though she gets motability payments.

I've tried to encourage her to speak with support agencies and counselling services but she isn't interested.

I really understand she is grieving her child but she is getting increasingly demanding. For example ringing me that she's run out of bread (when she'd previously told me she had plenty In the freezer). She isn't happy with me just taking her a loaf, she wants to go out for the morning or afternoon. This means a round trip of about45-50 miles. She offers me £4.00 - £5.00 towards petrol. But doesn't expect me to take it. I shop on-line but mum won't entertain that. She won't even let me do it for her and take it to her.

She tries to guilt trip me into taking her to see her grandchild who lives in another town. This is a round trip of about 90 miles. I keep telling her I can't afford the fuel or have the energy to do that. The mother of the child has no interest in facilitating contact but isn't against someone else doing the running about.

I'm not working and not on any income or benefits and totally reliant on my partner.

I know I'm rambling but I'm in utter turmoil. There are so many issues.

1. no positive relationship with mum (never has been, she used to tell me I should have been aborted) who recoils when I go to hug or kiss her, or if I accidently brush against her.

2. no energy or stamina to do much practically due to my own health issues.

3. mum won't accept outside help, shop online, access support etc.

4. the absolute distress I feel because I want to want to help her more and feel so guilty and shameful that I don't want to. I feel physically ill for days before I see her. I know that's not healthy.

I do ring mum each day and check she is ok and take her shopping weekly (I do my own online).

How can I feel better about it all?

You're running yourself into the ground trying to please a mother, whose standards you'll never live up to. You will never please her no matter how hard you try.

Grieving is a personal thing that everyone will go through at some point, but it is absolutely no excuse to treat others like shit, no matter how badly they're affected. It doesn't take a moment, or much effort, to think about doing the right thing and being decent to another person.

You mother will not change now, so you need to think about yourself and your health, after all if you end up in hospital, who will look after her. This is beside the point, though. The point is that you don't have to look after someone who treats you this way. Imagine a friend doing all the same things that your mum is doing (telling you that you should have been aborted, demanding this, that and the other off you with little or nothing in return for your effort etc).

Now, ask yourself this. Would you let any of your friends treat you this way?? If not, then why should your mum be any different?? Just because she gave birth to you, that still doesn't mean you are duty-bound or obliged to look after her in old age. You are an individual person, not just some 'biological commodity' for her to use as she pleases.

It's time to look after yourself. Personally speaking, I'm NC with my own mum after a similar childhood. I'm moving elsewhere and I won't be telling any of my family until we've moved and settled in. I'm sure mum will be playing the old "Woe is me" card and complaining that she'll never see our DC again. Not that she has even phoned once, in the last 7 years, to ask how they are etc. Nor has she come round to the house (she doesn't like animals apparently, but she's fine with my brothers cats), even though we can put the dogs out the back for an hour or so, to allow mum to see the kids.

I went NC because I told her straight that I was fed up of, my own family (DH, DC and myself) putting in all the effort into maintaining a relationship and she was putting nothing into it at all. I also said that we would not be calling round, or phoning, until she made an effort to do the same. To which she replied "I don't phone anyone............and anyway, you're only round the corner". As if that was an excuse to NOT make an effort, and to let everyone else come to her.

Anyway, apologies for the slight hijack there OP, I just wanted to let you know that there is no obligation for you to do yourself in trying to please someone (no matter who it is), who will never be happy with whatever you do for them. I would back off a good bit, if I were you. Oh and you need to not worry about what your mum will say to others about you, if you do go low contact. If you say nothing, then you'll let her show people who she really is. Let's not forget that her actions will speak far louder than her words.

Toughen up and remember that a visit a week and phone calls each day is way more than some people get/give in their lives.

I am a believer in 'what you give is what you get' (with exceptions obviously), and if your mother didn't love and support you, I would be very reserved in what I was prepared to invest both emotionally or financially.

I know it's hard when you're not an unkind person, but you have to look after yourself.

OP what I find unforgivable is that your M has implied to you that she would rather you had died than ‘her child’.
YOU ARE HER CHILD.
There are some things said that just can’t be forgotten and that has to be one of them.
She is refusing all other help despite having access to various forms because then she has you right where she wants. She is using this situation to manipulate and exploit you and I would put money on she’s getting a kick out of it.
Behaving like this when you are a sane adult is insupportable and unforgivable.
Take back control. Value yourself. Get counselling to help you through this process as you are still stuck firmly in the FOG of Fear Obligation & Guilt.
She does not deserve you 💐

I mean this in the nicest possible way: you need to stop being a fucking martyr and live your own life!

Sorry for that. But I've seen it in my own mother, who had a far better relationship than you do with yours. It took her many, many years to get my gran to accept help, in the meantime causing herself much physical and mental pain from the workload involved in looking after her. She's done similar things since, with various friends, taking on too much and then suffering. It's as though she's not happy unless she's martyring herself to some cause, but it's not healthy for anyone involved, including the person she's looking after.

Your mum has choices. So do you. You need to make the ones that are beneficial to you, and your mother will have to do likewise. Yes, she'll probably slag you off to all and sundry, but that's far better than the alternative.

How's she like with your partner? An easier way to get out of this might be to have him 'refuse' to be so involved, then the blame is off you. Could you enrol with some courses, so you're not so available?

Good luck, and sorry if I've been rude. This has struck a nerve. You deserve far more than this. You were not born to be your mother's emotional punch bag.

This sounds like my mother - who gleefully refused to be put into palliative care, so I spent weeks lifting her on and off the commode while she ranted about how wonderful my brother (43 and never worked a day in his chemically-challenged life) was and how evil I was, how I was stopping her wonderful friends from visiting (nobody called) and spitting in my face. She had money for help, but refused it. She died as she lived - nastily and leaving me very traumatised. I regret that I gave up the time to help her at the expense of my beautiful husband and children - and the damage I have done to my back. Definitely contact SS and get on with looking after yourself. This will not end well at all.

no positive relationship with mum (never has been, she used to tell me I should have been aborted) who recoils when I go to hug or kiss her, or if I accidently brush against her.

Read those words back to yourself. Does she even deserve a second of your time? I would go NC and whenever you start feeling guilty remember this is your mother who told you you should have been aborted. Recoils when you accidentally brush against her? Like fuck she deserves to lord it over you like you are her slave. Give yourself permission to break free. for you OP.

She has chosen not to engage with the agencies who can help her. She has chosen not to shop online / get goods delivered. She has chosen to punish you for not being the child who died.

You are not responsible for her.

Oh Twoo. You sound like a lovely person. She sounds awful. Toxic people don’t change. You will wear yourself out looking after her.

I highly recommend this book Toxic parents. Please do consider reading it. It’s not easy reading when you have to accept that your parent(s) haven’t been the parents they should have been. But I think unless you really accept that she only cares about herself, and start doing some self-perseveration, you will burn out trying to care for her. She is a financial and physical burden (I bet you’re exhausted running round after her!). She’ll never give back, she’ll only take. You need to give yourself permission to stop looking after her.

Thank you for the support mumnetters. You all speak sense and I agree I need to stop being a martyr and have firmer yet still reasonable boundaries.

I don't feel I can go nc as mum is in her eighties now. She has no insight into how her behaviour, words, actions, both now and in the past, have so profoundly affected me. She would be totally oblivious as to why I'd gone nc and I would hate her twilight years to be spent in isolation and bewilderment.

Even though I'm all she has I do totally realise I'm not what she wants. She makes that clear. More recently I've got her to attend a weekly lunch club and hope to introduce her to a second.

She will never change but I know I can and that's a comfort. I'm more elastic than mum is.

Just reading all your empathic, realistic and honest opinions have really helped to settle me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and all of you please think to yourselves that someone
out there (me) is feeling less alone and stronger in resolve for you all taking the time to reply ❤️

twoo you are not alone. And please come and join the long standing elderly parents board.... loads of support, advice and from others with lots of wisdom. Stay strong.

Hi OP sounds like you're in a really tricky situation and feel stuck between a rock (a mum who is a toxic presence in your life) and a hard place (feeling responsible for an elderly relative who's not coping). If you haven't already it would be worth contacting a local charity like Age UK and seeing what they can do to help.... youve mentioned a lunch club but they might also be able to arrange a volunteer befriender or something to take your mum shopping each week etc. Something to think about.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/2895100-Caring-for-elderly-parents-Drop-in-for-support-hand-holding-and-whatever-you-need

I wonder if you could try writing down answers to your mum's requests, role playing answering with your partner, then maybe calling her on speakerphone with your partner next to you and the list of answers on your knee.

Answers might include:
Oh dear
That sounds tricky
What a worry for you
How are you going to sort that out?
No I can't at the moment
I'm not well enough just now
I can get that delivered for you
Speak to you soon

If need be your partner can point to the best answer!

The best thing for you to do for you is to go NC. However I do understand that can be difficult. You really do need to get some help for yourself. Sadly the NHS counselling available in most places is just not good enough so I'd suggest you find a good local charity that offers low cost counselling- you can get it for £5/ session in London. I'd recommend a psychodynamic approach. Do this for yourself. You need to understand what has happened to you and explore the feelings it's left you with. It will be hard work and painful at times but it will be so worth it.

I believe everyone is responsible for their own happiness. If you don't want to go nc then you need to draw up some boundaries. Say to your mum you will do an online order but will not take her shopping. Basically stop doing what she wants. Either offer an alternative that suits you or just say no, I can't do that.

• Sorry, should have added a bit saying 'so don't take on her guilt' after my first sentence.

Oh my!

I'm a widow and have health issues and am disabled (wheelchair bound). When my DH died initially I was totally lost and unable to care for myself. Over time and with the help of my DC I've found ways to cope including carers who do the things I can't. I appreciate every second my DC gave me from their incredibly busy lives and would never do anything to make their workload heavier.

Your M (sorry can't say DM) sounds beyond selfish and cruel. You like my DC are a darling and honour to have yet she refuses to see that. She doesn't deserve you, your love or help.

Treat yourself kindly, you will always know you tried and did the best you could and had it thrown in your face. You don't deserve that and she does not deserve you. Un mumsnetty (((hugs)))