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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about the things you never talked about...

55 replies

lindblum · 13/10/2017 23:46

When I was 12, nearly 13, I was a gawky, speccy nerd who read Lord of the Rings on the coach on a trip to Germany and back. At the end of the trip, on the queue of schoolkids getting back on the bus to disembark the ferry, I was last in line (so unpopular). Someone touched my bottom. Not just touched - they squeezed and groped. For a significant period of time - a minute, maybe more. I did not turn around, I did not speak. I was scared. To this day I don't know whether the person who touched me was a stranger or a teacher.

Hell, this was well over a decade ago - my memory could be faulty, but I clearly remember knowing that a man was standing behind me. Much taller than me. It's a fixed moment in my mind.

Teachers were just metres away supervising the children boarding. I said nothing. I got on the coach and it was over.

I can't help but wonder if this small incident has affected me in ways I don't realise. I've always been weird about intimacy and being seen naked and - particularly - my butt.

I have never told anyone.
Does this kind of thing happen to all young girls?

OP posts:

peachgreen · 13/10/2017 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justanothermomentintime · 13/10/2017 23:59

A boy put his hand up my skirt in a woodwork class in first year of high school.

Jeez I haven't thought about it in years but I don't think it's hindered me in anyway.

Honestly, in the kindest way, you need to put it behind you. It was wrong of someone to do that to you but dwelling on it years later isn't healthy.

justanothermomentintime · 14/10/2017 00:01

I really hope that didn't sound cruel but years of thinking about something like that can't have been good for you.

Original poster

lindblum · 14/10/2017 00:15

@justanothermomentintime

It's not something I've dwelt on constantly for 16 years. At the time I tried and succeeded in forgetting about it. It has come up in my mind occasionally over the last decade, especially when so many people are coming forward with historical sexual assaults. It took me over a decade to feel remotely comfortable with intimacy. I can't help but wonder if this assault was a contributing factor.

This happened to me. It is not as awful as the assaults many women experienced in the past, but it did happen.

OP posts:

possumgoddess · 14/10/2017 02:54

When I was thirteen we had a family friend who was a teacher for my youngest sister. He used to come round a lot, my mum was on her own and was working so wasn't always at home in the school holidays but she was fine with him coming round. I was an awkward child, socially inept and very shy ( haven't changed much!) and I had a huge crush on him. I remember one occasion when we were both lounging on the sofa, I was half lying on him, and he put his hand down my top and was playing with my nipple. It only happened the once and didn't go any further than that. I always felt guilty about it as basically I was begging for attention but looking back on it he was being massively inappropriate and should never have taken advantage of my naivety. I met him again about 20 years later and mentioned it in a roundabout way but he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. I just hope he didn't take advantage of anyone else..

NoLoveofMine · 14/10/2017 02:56

Honestly, in the kindest way, you need to put it behind you. It was wrong of someone to do that to you but dwelling on it years later isn't healthy.

I disagree. These are things which so many girls experience growing up, experiences so many women and girls have, if we all just "put it behind us" and don't talk about it, the culture is perpetuated.

NoLoveofMine · 14/10/2017 02:57

lindblum you are right to raise it and discuss it

NoLoveofMine · 14/10/2017 02:57

Sorry that happened possumgoddess.

NoLoveofMine · 14/10/2017 02:58

Hope you are alright peachgreen.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 14/10/2017 03:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatwillhappen2 · 14/10/2017 05:15

I understand OP. Something happened when I was 11. No touching involved but completely inappropriate. I was extremely upset by it then and if I think about it (like now) am extremely upset now and honestly WISH THE PERSON DEAD.

Some might say it was a small deal but to this day I feel violated.

Much worse than the two times I was flashed when older.

whatwillhappen2 · 14/10/2017 05:16

I was violated. That's what these things are - humiliating violations.

whatwillhappen2 · 14/10/2017 05:26

I did tell my mother (I was in floods of tears) just after but she would not have been able to find the person and while kind to me, brushed it off a little.

PesoisaTool · 14/10/2017 07:10

I was 19, a virgin. Boyfriend at the time was keen to have sex. I agreed and got ridiculously drunk. I remember walking to the bedroom, then being on my back, then a sharp pain. I'd agreed to the sex before the alcohol but during I got very upset but was too pissed to react properly. I woke up in a pool of blood. Only told close friend and DH. Still not sure what this was law-wise but it has affected me.

namechangefordummies · 14/10/2017 09:08

One of my stepfathers (the first one post-dad) used to do this really odd bath time thing where he'd make Me stand naked in the bath after the water drained out and use his hand to wipe Down my body to "remove the excess water" before I was allowed to use a towel. Never mentioned it to anyone...

Saucery · 14/10/2017 09:26

It's a really bad idea to share the details of sexual assault on teenagers in response to an anonymous internet OP.
I am not saying you shouldn't share that it happened - God knows a light needs to be shone on the fact it has happened and is still happening. Just that anyone could be reading and using what you say for purposes not at all connected with support.

BriechonCheese · 14/10/2017 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WomblingThree · 14/10/2017 10:22

I agree with @Saucery. I really think this sort of thing is better discussed on a private message board for survivors - one where the membership is more tightly controlled. I think sharing graphic descriptions of the awful things that happened to you might, shall we say, not be being read in the spirit of support that you are intending.

Saucery · 14/10/2017 10:32

Indeed, WomblingThree. Every single poster on this thread may be completely genuine. Then again, they might not be. And a quick Google using search terms that are well known and shared amongst paedophiles will bring them to this thread. Does anyone really want to think their traumatic experiences are being used to give other abusers their kicks?

BriechonCheese · 14/10/2017 11:16

I've reported my post to ask for it to be removed, didn't even think about it being used for dodgy types.

PesoisaTool · 14/10/2017 11:20

Mine is unfortunately very genuine but point taken.

Rachel0Greep · 14/10/2017 11:25

I agree with Saucery.

peachgreen · 14/10/2017 11:42

Imagine how it feels to anonymously share something traumatic you’ve never told anyone before and then be berated for posting it and told you’re providing fodder for pedophiles. Just stop and imagine how that feels.

I can’t speak for the other posters on this thread but that was the first time I’d ever acknowledged what happened to me and it was both terrifying and incredibly freeing. I felt like a weight had been lifted. Quite frankly, I don’t care if some internet pervert sees it. It wasn’t for them, it was for me. And I refuse to take responsibility for the inappropriate actions of others.

But what HAS made me feel awful is being accused of not being genuine or of sharing in an inappropriate place.

I will never say this secret out loud. I will never say it under my own name. Up until now, I thought I might never say it at all. Last night I was able to. And it was healing. Unfortunately that healing experience has now been tainted.

Don’t silence victims of abuse. They have nothing to be ashamed of.

Saucery · 14/10/2017 11:50

peachgreen I am absolutely not trying to silence victims of abuse. I think it is vital that we feel we can share that this was and still is a part of the life experience of too many women and girls.
Say it happened. Shout out that it happened, be angry, be supportive and always believe someone who says it happened.
Just don't go into detail without the knowledge that the person encouraging you to go into that detail or who does a search for that sort of experience may not be there to believe or support you.
Do I wish we could gather and talk about this stuff and gain comfort and support from knowing we are not alone? Of course I do, but the internet doesn't work like that. Well, not a large anonymous site like MN, at any rate.

peachgreen · 14/10/2017 12:02

But you are silencing victims. You told us not to share. And you aren’t believing us. You said we might not be genuine. And you are not being supportive. You are telling us off!

It’s not up to you the level of detail someone goes into (or doesn’t). It’s up to them. I do not control the reactions of the people who read this thread, I do not deserve to be blamed for them, and quite frankly I don’t care about them. What I care is that I was able to share something that has burdened me for decades.

I don’t want to share this secret in person, in a supportive group, using my own name. I want to share it on “a large anonymous site”, as you say. What gives you the right to say that’s wrong?

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