To ask about the things you never talked about...

[lindblum]

When I was 12, nearly 13, I was a gawky, speccy nerd who read Lord of the Rings on the coach on a trip to Germany and back. At the end of the trip, on the queue of schoolkids getting back on the bus to disembark the ferry, I was last in line (so unpopular). Someone touched my bottom. Not just touched - they squeezed and groped. For a significant period of time - a minute, maybe more. I did not turn around, I did not speak. I was scared. To this day I don't know whether the person who touched me was a stranger or a teacher.

Hell, this was well over a decade ago - my memory could be faulty, but I clearly remember knowing that a man was standing behind me. Much taller than me. It's a fixed moment in my mind.

Teachers were just metres away supervising the children boarding. I said nothing. I got on the coach and it was over.

I can't help but wonder if this small incident has affected me in ways I don't realise. I've always been weird about intimacy and being seen naked and - particularly - my butt.

I have never told anyone.
Does this kind of thing happen to all young girls?

Yes, it is up to you. I don't feel a level of detail is advisable, that's all. MN is becoming a haven for people who want stories about periods, children going to the toilet at school and abuse clearly spelled out. If you want to contribute to that then go ahead. Some people are unaware of how those details can be used, so if that makes them think twice then that's good.,

No one is berating posters. Some people are advising caution because sadly there can be bastards reading who like to perv over the distressing information beng shared.

You think telling posters that they’re “giving abusers their kicks” and that they might not be genuine isn’t berating them?

I felt really positive about having shared this huge burden right up until you all started having a go at us for having done so. If it’s more important to you to police the words and actions of abuse victims than to take their feelings and opinions into consideration, I guess that’s on you.

peachgreen I am so sorry that happened to you are you certainly should be able to talk about it in whatever way you want without people trying to make you feel bad about it.

Honestly no wonder there is such a culture of silence in this world and why abuse against women keeps happening!

Saucery I cannot believe you just said that. You should be ashamed of yourself. Accusing someone who is telling something that is obviously really hard to tell of 'contributing to all that'.

If people who have had horrible things happen to them want to talk about it here it is certainly not your place to 'advise' them not to and make them feel guilty all over again for posting it somewhere you decide is the 'wrong' place.

If you're not going to say something that is supportive then why post at all. If you don't agree with the thread then no one is making you read it.

Peachy I'm glad you feel good about sharing and as long as you understand what te concerns are it's completely your choice

Thank you @Flasky, I really appreciate that. I think it’s just frustrating to feel, yet again, that victims of abuse have to be held responsible for the behaviour of abusers, rather than our voices being heard and our feelings and opinions being prioritised.

as long as you understand what the concerns are

Just this ^^ really. Not silencing, not blaming victims. Just awareness.

Flasky you are both rude and naive, Not a good combination.

saucery you are extremely patronising! People choose to share things in different ways. I myself chose to share abuse on here that I have no told anyone IRL, it was comforting to get words of advise and support.

I hope nothing has happened to you and then you are made to feel bad for sharing it. The internet is a massive place and their are numerous ways people can get hold of things you say on most sites, it's up to the poster where they post not You!

I was raped on a first date then stupidly agreed to see him again had consentual sex.I was young and stupid and had no self respect found out he had a girlfriend soon after.I have never tod a soul.

So much defensiveness for pointing out the obvious! MN is not a safe space, it is regularly trolled by perverts and posters have to make the decision how much detail they go into. Fine if you already have done so. Some haven't and don't realise. It's not patronising to point out that a thread where the OP goes straight into an uncomfortable level of detail might just not be a space in which to follow suit.
I'm not stopping anyone posting. How can I? You type some stuff, then I type some stuff is the way it goes on here.
I'll be damned if I'll be shouted down for pointing out basic internet caution.

What a shame that this thread is going the way it is. I was about to share something that happened to me, but know now that I will be judged for choosing to share.
I think we need to be open to hearing women's testimonies. Warning women of the dangers of sharing is a silencing tool- I get that it wasn't the intention, but that's how I feel.

I was abused as a child for years by a family member
I was also raped at 16 by an older man who i barely knew
Sexually assaulted at 19
Groped regularly at work by more than one person when I was 20/21
Some of these I have told others about - but have never shared full details not even in counselling
I’m now 50+ and well past these experiences
Very interested in some of the responses on here as many people don’t share because they feel partly responsible for what happened to them - victim blaming helps no one

Pidlan I will not judge you for sharing anything. Like I said it is important that awareness is raised about sexual assault towards women and girls.
When it is in the format of "I was in my school uniform and he......" surely you can see how that can be used to groom others into going into similar detail or be a real prize to the casual perve on here. And they are on here, those creeps and abusers we have mostly all come across. They love it when people advising caution are shouted down, so you don't need to tell me about 'silencing ' as they are very good at that.

saucery you've made you're point and its now down to people if they share or not and what level of detail.

FFS no-one is "silencing" anyone.
Has anyone's post been removed? If you shouted to the world what had happened to you would you be shot or imprisoned? No

You can say what you like on here or anywhere. As can we all.

I wouldn't dream of "sharing" on here - and see it in the DMail tomorrow or for it to spark a hint of recognition in someone I know. I'll share when and where I choose - as will all of us - but for me it's not here and I found the reminder useful.

Too easy to relax into the intimate nature of a thread as I type alone and realize later that actually I have just revealed something that I wished I hadn't. (Done it twice), Once got recognized IRL - though denied it.

Ironically a sensible comment about the public nature of the thread is the only thing that has been directly criticised and that poster told she is not allowed to mention it. Ridiculous.

That's all I wanted to do, earlyrisingmum before the likes of you leapt in flinging accusations of 'patronising' and 'silencing'

This thread has been so upsetting. There are far kinder ways of reminding people that information on the internet may be viewed by anyone than saying our “traumatic experiences are being used to give other abusers their kicks” and insinuating that those who have shared may not be genuine. I can assure you that I am very much genuine, and I was grateful for the opportunity to share in an anonymous forum.

I am asking MNHQ to withdraw my post - not because some faceless ‘pervert’ might read it but because of the posters on this thread who are more concerned with ensuring the victims of abuse take responsibility for the behaviour of abusers than supporting the vulnerable women on this thread, and they have made me feel so ashamed for having shared.

Stop making things up, peachgreen. No one has said anything remotely like that.

That was a direct quote from you. You said both those things.

And if you mean the second part: by suggesting that we shouldn’t share here in case our stories are used by ‘perverts’, you absolutely are suggesting that abuse victims should take responsibility for the behaviour of abusers.

So you're not even sure what I meant? But you are certain it was something to silence victims anyway. Ok then, yes, that makes sense .
I wish you well with coming to terms with what happened to you. It is my opinion that a large unregulated parenting site that is attracting more pervert trolls than genuine users right now is not a good place to do that. If you disagree then carry on - my perfectly reasonable non judgemental warning does not apply to you.

When a person tells you that you hurt them (or made them feel ashamed) you dont get to decide that you didnt!

If someone decides to share on a relatively anaonymous internet forum, something they cant or dare not share in real life - why is the first instinct to mention the abusers?

Survivors of all kinds of assaults/abuse are repeatedly discouraged from sharing, mainly under the thin veil of "protecting" themselves. Its frankly reprehensible and makes me ill. You dont want to share - fine, dont. If someone else is sharing something they have never had the courage to speak of before, dont try and fucking silence them.

Your warning was absolutely not “non-judgemental”. Again, may I remind you that you a) suggested we might not be genuine and b) accused us of “giving abusers their kicks”. That is not perfectly reasonable and it is not non-judgemental.

You have been very unpleasant on this thread to vulnerable women who were brave enough to share what are extremely traumatic experiences. While I have no expectation that you will either acknowledge it or apologise for it, please believe me when I say that you have done me far more harm than any of these ‘pervert trolls’ you keep mentioning. I can see that you’re unwilling to take any responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused here so I can only hope that the next time you post on a thread like this, you do so with a little more sympathy and understanding.

Anyway, I’m done. This has all been an absolutely horrible experience for me and I wish I’d never spoken up. I certainly won’t again, so I guess you’ve achieved your aim.