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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it's still a "problem" even if you don't do it often

76 replies

LovelyPrep · 13/10/2017 21:10

If you rarely drink but when you do it's 5+ bottles of wine to yourself, possibly spirits if you run out of wine and you get tearful/angry/sloppy etc. and everyone around you is kinda pissed off by it, is it ok because it's only 4/5 times a year? Or would you say even though its not frequent, it's still not acceptable?

OP posts:
Ifearthecold · 13/10/2017 22:04

I just can't believe that she hardly ever drinks and then can manage to drink 5 bottles of wine without ending up in hospital. I like drinking wine and so do my friends, I have seen large heavy drinking men manage two bottles on a very long heavy night but five!

Original poster
LovelyPrep · 13/10/2017 22:08

She can drink a lot and bizarre mixes too. So for example last Christmas someone got her a bottle of Bailey's. She drunk that and then it just set her off. She had a bottle of that Mateus Rosé, one of those frozen cocktail thingies, then one if those small bottles of dessert wine because she'd run out of nice wine. It's just crazy. It's not for enjoyment or because it tastes nice it's purely whatever is alcoholic.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/10/2017 22:10

You can't control her drinking. You can control your reaction.

Glitterbug76 · 13/10/2017 22:14

I work in a hospital and that would definitely result in a referral to our alcohol Liasion service

Tealdeal747 · 13/10/2017 22:19

50 units in one go is a lethal dose!

She will need medical help to detox.

At that level stopping suddenly could kill her.

She must be drinking regularly to have that level of tolerance.

Bubblebubblepop · 13/10/2017 22:24

We don't know if she's drinking regularly or needs medical detox. Let's not get dramatic

missymayhemsmum · 13/10/2017 22:27

I think you have to talk to your mum, and agree with family that you intervene after the first bottle.
Yes, she has a problem. She has feelings and thoughts that only come to the surface when she's pissed, and she ends up getting out of control, risking her life and liver and spoiling family occasions. She doesn't even seem to enjoy it!
Is it only this kind of bender 4/5 times a year and just a steady bottle a night the rest of the time?

usernamewhatever101 · 13/10/2017 22:32

It's a problem, because she's an abusive drunk. The fact she drinks one bottle or five is irrelevant, she's ruining social occasions with her family. If it wasn't a problem and she had a few to many occasionally, you wouldn't be worrying about it

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2017 22:34

Doesn't matter if it's 10 times a year or once a year, anyone who drinks to the point that it upsets and disrupts an otherwise pleasant day has a problem. There's no excuse for drinking so much that you are an embarrassment to yourself AND others.

I wouldn't tolerate it. That person would not be drinking in my home nor would I remain in a home in which they were allowed to drink to excess.

And yes, I've been around someone like that. And yes, I refused to allow him to drink in my home or to come in when he'd been drinking, and I left when he started drinking in other's homes. He's now been sober over 2 years.

Your mother needs help, but she'll have to get it when she's ready. No one can force someone to stop drinking. All you can do is lay down the rules of what you will and will not tolerate and stick to them.

Ginkypig · 13/10/2017 22:38

That's a really really massive amount to drink.

Even when I was drinking in an addicted way that would probably have knocked me almost unconscious and I could drink a whole bottle of vodka or 10-15 pints or a couple of bottles of wine or 20 Bacardi breezers so I had a higher tolerance (at one time) than most but your mums consumption blows my old drinking away, she's drinking in one session enough to cover two of mine.

I never drink like that now, I'm glad because I'd probably be dead if I'd carried on.

I'm sorry your having to go through this lovely

Glitterbug76 · 13/10/2017 22:44

My mother in law was a alcoholic she died a horrible death she had varacies and blead to death , I tried so many times to help her but she wouldn't admit it , if she had admitted it she could have got help.
I should imagine she's drinking more than that I'm sorry what your going through.

RosieBucket · 13/10/2017 22:49

You say that you all have a couple of glasses and then she opens a second bottle. Does this mean that at least some of the wine is being shared with others? 5 bottles is a staggering amount to drink. Literally.

Pollaidh · 13/10/2017 22:49

The 5 bottles is seriously bad, longer-term impacts obviously, but also on the night. Sounds like she needs some professional help.

But add prescription painkillers to the mix and there's a fair chance one night she's not going to wake up. Sorry, but you can't mix 5 bottles of wine with something like codeine and paracetamol and always be lucky.

You mention prescription med issues, rather than just taking the meds, which implies also that she's taking more than the recommended/prescribed dose, and that will increase the burden on her body, and increase the risk.

A glass of wine or two with paracetamol or ibuprofen is probably ok assuming no other health issues, and personally I would take my strongish dose of codeine/paracetamol with 2 small glasses of wine max, and generally I decrease the codeine and up the water intake if I know I'm drinking.

Aspirin and alcohol regular mixing could lead to stomach bleeding, which can be catastrophic.

Codeine or tramadol and alcohol mixing can lead to loss of consciousness and respiratory depression, leading to choking/death.

Paracetamol and alcohol is ok if infrequent/small quantities of alcohol, but I think it increases your chance of a paracetamol overdose. Not sure on that one. And obviously your liver isn't going to be great if it's dealing with paracetamol and alcohol.

(Not a medical professional.)

Glitterbug76 · 13/10/2017 22:49

In relation to intervention the only way would be a residential detox , or if they detoxed in hospital with carful monitoring, my mother in laws hubby ( my hubbys step dad ) would tip all her drink away every night when he returned from work she would get in a taxi the next day and buy drink again.

ScatteredThoughts · 13/10/2017 22:53

Hey OP. I have a very similar mum, so I feel your pain. She's great (when sober!) and I love her to bits but there were many years of extremely problematic drinking at family occasions. Crying and aggression and general nastiness. Falling over and giving herself a black eye. With mine I think some of it stems from social anxiety when there are lots of people around. She leans on it to get through a bit of awkwardness at the start and then just can't stop. I don't live in the same town so only saw it face to face a few times a year but there was definitely a background problem of getting through a couple of bottles of wine daily when it's just her and my dad - so still very problematic drinking but no one else around for it to turn into a big drama.

I always thought videoing it, as some people have suggested, would be a good idea but never got round to it. The morning after she would generally be a bit apologetic but overall there was a similar sense of "this is how I have my fun so deal with it".

I'm using the past tense as I actually feel she's coming out of it. Still drinking but I don't think she's got in a state for over a year now. A couple of things that have made a difference are a) she's getting older and tbh generally needs to go to bed before she can get into too much of a state b) the prospect of grandkids has given her a bit more a reason to look after herself and c) a couple of unrelated health scares meant she had some blood tests which clearly showed she had an alcohol problem. Being chastised by the GP seems to have really helped!

I'm not sure I have much helpful advice to offer - just to empathise as I found it a very difficult things to deal with. And also hopefully helpful to know that it can change! Similarly also I can recognise the traits in myself and so really want to keep them in check. Maybe emphasise the impact on the grandkids and see if that can nudge her in the right direction.

Hope things get better for you. x

LellyMcKelly · 13/10/2017 22:54

I've never heard of anyone being able to drink 5 bottles of wine in a sitting. I enjoy more than the odd glass or two on occasion, but 5 decent sized glasses would knock me out, and for the next day or two.

pallisers · 13/10/2017 23:18

The reason she gets glassy so quickly is that she is pretty tanked up before she starts drinking in public. She probably has a bottle of vodka in her bag or has downed nearly a bottle of wine before even going out.

I suspect she is drinking a lot in between the big blow-outs too. Just not as massively overboard so she doesn't count it but she is definitely putting away significant booze regularly.

Sorry OP, not sure what you can do other than disengage. What does your dad think? Is he worried? Is anyone else in the family bothered?

IamImportantToo · 13/10/2017 23:18

Agree with others. To be able to drink that much alcohol, she is drinking very regularly. That much would kill some people and poison most others. Even hardened daily drinkers. I drink probably too much. If i had two bottles of wine in an evening, i would be very drunk and feel terrible. Five bottles would have me in hospital with alcohol poisoning.

There is no way she can drink that much only five or so times a year. She is hiding her drinking and i would wager anything that she is a regular heavy drinker and if she stopped she would be in serious withdrawal..

What painkillers does she take? Are they paracetamol based? I would think her liver is under incredible strain.

JockTamsonsBairns · 13/10/2017 23:22

Wait, I'm a Glaswegian - so, very much used to being around heavy drinkers. I've got plenty alcoholics in my family and social circle. But, 5 bottles of wine in one sitting? Sorry, I'm not believing that. My own mother is a hardened alcoholic and has been for forty odd years, and can do just about four bottles on a bad binge. Is there some exaggeration here OP, or have you actually witnessed this consumption of five bottles? Sorry, I'm not accusing you of lying or anything, just not ever heard of this.

BakedBeans47 · 13/10/2017 23:29

If she has the tolerance to drink that much without becoming very ill/comatose I suspect it’s not as rare an occurrence as she’s making out.

Escapee101 · 13/10/2017 23:30

Sounds like my ex mil.

‘It’s not like I do it often’ she’d say after ruining yet another family occasion with her excessive drinking and awful behaviour after.

Except she forgot/doesn’t count those couple of glasses she had on a Monday because she was stressed.

Or those two bottles in the Tuesday because her sister came around.

The alcohol on the Wednesday, Thursday, Friday etc. didn’t count either. Every week, every year.

Or the bottle of gin stashed in her toilet cistern that she dove into occasionally and told herself was totally normal.

I only drink three/four time a year. More than two glasses and I start feeling fairly drunk and stop. No way in hell is she putting away a two bottles plus and still standing if she isn’t a regular and heavy drinker.

LexieLulu · 13/10/2017 23:33

My mum was like this, social occasions would be awkward.. she'd get drunk and urinate on the couch etc and not even realise. She'd argue and fight. She was a monster.

She died three years ago.

You can put them on detox, get them medical help, they can even admit they have a problem. But unless they want to change they won't.

CheshireChat · 13/10/2017 23:39

Ugh, I hate it when people get drunk, make everyone around them miserable and then claim it's not often.

It might not be often arsehole, but it's yet another Christmas/ anniversary you've ruined.

I'd refuse to socialise with her if she's drinking and say that if she values alcohol more than your company, she's welcome to it.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/10/2017 23:43

Alcoholism isn't just defined by people who drink every day, it is when someones drinking is out of control, whether its every day, or once a year, if they can't moderate and drink sensibly, they have a problem with alcohol.

holdthewine · 14/10/2017 08:09

OP you will find lots of support - for you and to support your mum - if you post this in Health/Alcohol. Maybe Mumsnet HQ will move it over if you ask them. There’s a lot of knowledge and experience on those pages.