Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a upset with DH

43 replies

Canerows · 13/10/2017 09:30

Hi everyone
My father passed away a couple of weeks ago. DH who is good at most things and is a fab person is terrible at communication. I had to nag him for days to message my mum to express sympathy/ check on how she is doing. He has not said a word to any of my siblings either. He has honestly told me that he is anxious while speaking to my family or having to confront emotional situations such as this. I get that but still we have lost our father/husband! If it was him in my shoes, I would speak to all his family regardless of how I feel myself. When bad things happen in his family I am genuinely concerned; I speak to everyone affected and I am always checking to see how they are doing. I am so upset with DH, I can't help it. So please people AIBU about this situation?

OP posts:
Redredredrose · 13/10/2017 09:34

I don't know. Does he have much communication with them in general or do you usually talk to them on the phone/text/email? I never talk to my brother-in-law on the phone but I do speak to my MIL quite regularly, so if FIL died I can see myself passing in my condolences directly to MIL but via DH to BIL.

user1493242132 · 13/10/2017 09:34

Be upset! Yanbu. But leave him to it. I have a similar one at home and some people just don’t know how to deal or cope with such situations. As you said he is wonderful otherwise. No point upsetting your marriage about it.

Original poster
Canerows · 13/10/2017 09:38

No he doesn't keep in touch with them at all. Granted they live halfway across the world but they are all on whatsapp and he doesn't even try. I constantly have to defend him when my family mention that he doesn't keep in touch. I have told him all about it and explained how it would mean the world to me if he made an effort but still...no

OP posts:
iTwattedASpider · 13/10/2017 09:40

Sorry for your loss but please leave him alone. I recently lost two family members in the same week and am finding it hard to communicate with people in fact I wish people would shut up and let me grieve my own way. Everybody deals with death differently.

Fairylea · 13/10/2017 09:41

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Flowers However, as someone who doesn’t really keep in touch with in laws myself I think perhaps your dh feels strange reaching out to them now when he doesn’t normally, and he may be worried it will set up a long term closer relationship which he may not want. How is he being with you? If he is being supportive and caring towards you then I would honestly let the family thing go.

FinallyHere · 13/10/2017 09:41

Sorry for your loss

Until my father died, some five years ago, I always felt very awkward around people who had suffered loss, not knowing what to say and fearing to get it 'wrong'. Now that i have experienced what it is like, i know how much i appreciated anyone who tried to express there sympathy, and that it was their attempt that meant a lot to me, no matter what actual words they used. So i am much more comfortable mentioning something, anything.

Maybe your DH doesn't know what to say and a letter or card would work better for him to express..

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 09:45

You knew his personaity, you married him. You know he isn't the same as you. You say he is a great person.
Why are you hounding him because he is behaving like himself and not like you? Why would her certainly turn into you? And why does it help anyone him sending a whatapp message to someone he never talks to and you had to bully him into sending? It doesn't, at all.

The real question is, does he support you? Does he care about you? Is he helping you through this difficult time? If yes, then leave him alone. A fake text you had to force him to send your mother is no use to anyone.

Original poster
Canerows · 13/10/2017 09:46

I'm just so tired of defending him...especially now. Why would he not just speak to them and save me the stress. I have had to make a real effort with his mother, we didn't exactly hit it off but for his sake and for DC I made efforts and we are ok (mostly) now

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 13/10/2017 09:47

If his anxiety is sufficiently bad then it may not be possible for him to behave how he ought to, but that doesn't mean YABU to be upset that he isn't doing what he should.

FinallyHere · 13/10/2017 09:48

By the way, the key to a happy life is for each of you to set the tone for communications with their own family. Growing up in a family, you learn how it works, to keep in touch. It's not really fair to expect someone coming in as an adult to adapt to that exactly as if they had always been a part. Great if it does work, but if now, don't fash it, Let him decide how to communicate with his, and you get on with yours. It is kinder on each other and you are supposed to be a team together.

Anyone in your family could complains, smile and say this is how you do things. Otherwise, why are you trying to please your family at your DH's expense? Who wins from that scenario?

Pithivier · 13/10/2017 09:48

Sorry, but I think you are being unrealistic. To expect him to communicate with people at such a difficult time when he is not usually In Touch with them will come accross as very false, I would resent my partner if they tried to put that pressure on me to do that.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2017 09:49

I think a message of condolences is appropriate but to be honest why should he have to make what's app small talk. Some do some don't it ok for him not too

Original poster
Canerows · 13/10/2017 09:49

It's not like he has major anxiety issues, he is just anxious with my family. But then most people are a bit anxious about saying/doing something wrong around the in laws. Surely it's not enough reason to just decide to ignore them?

OP posts:
mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 09:49

Then stop defending him and tell your family to stop expecting it. They live halfway around the world, does he even know them at all?

Whatshouldmyusernamebe · 13/10/2017 09:52

My husband never contacts my family. I would find it odd if he did.

FinallyHere · 13/10/2017 09:52

I'm just so tired of defending him...especially now

If he is being good to you, then he really doesn't need defending and your family really have no business 'attacking' him. Why are they doing so, at such a sensitive time? Are they deflecting their grief, or do they always judge him by their own standards and find him wanting.

You are wanting him to do something to 'make your life easier' with your family. Maybe time to look at your role in your family, and think about how you want your life to be,

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2017 09:53

Don't defend him! That is infantilising him. He has made a considered choice to not be in contact. You aren't his keeper!

Be honest and independent when anyone nags you about him.

Tell them DH told you he doesn't do communication about emotional matters. Say it matter of factly with a shrug of your shoulders. If anyone goes on at you continue with the gallic shrug and suggest they take it up with him if they are bothered by his behaviour.

Mulberry72 · 13/10/2017 09:53

When my DM died my DH gave hugs to DF,DSis & DB the 1st time he saw them after DM died and that was it, I wouldn’t have expected him to be texting or ringing them all, they wouldn’t have expected it either.

CiderwithBuda · 13/10/2017 09:56

My DH never contacts my family. My mum died last year and he took the phone call so spoke to my sister and then we went to the funeral obviously but he didn't contact any of them directly and I wouldn't expect him to.

I think your family's expectations might be a little skewed.

CardsforKittens · 13/10/2017 09:58

Is it 'can't be bothered' or 'unsure what to say'? I think those are different things. It sounds like you're quite good at knowing what to say, whereas maybe he's worried about saying the wrong thing. If so, could you help him compose a brief message? I know you want him to do it himself, but if he's anxious about upsetting your relatives by saying the wrong thing, it would really help him if you show him how to say the right thing. Especially if it would give him some confidence for next time.

Also, I wonder whether your relatives are (in less traumatic times) willing to accept that communication isn't his strong point, but that he's great in other ways?

seven201 · 13/10/2017 10:01

When my Mum died my DH didn't contact any of my family. When he saw them of course he did, but it would have been odd (in our family dynamic) for him to contact anyone. If it were the other way round I don't think I'd contact his either. Is he much of a texter? My DH is a bit useless at keeping in touch with people and finds texting a bit stressful for some reason.

martellandginger · 13/10/2017 10:02

I think you are being unreasonable. Now is not the time to worry about your husband communicating with your family. I get they have suffered a loss you all have but why would he text them? texting is rude in this situation anyway and if he isn't normally in touch with them he would be just doing it to save face and please you. You are being a bit silly. stop creating a fuss and start focusing on grieving for your Dad.

LaughingElliot · 13/10/2017 10:08

I think it is not asking much to expect an adult to offer a polite message to family during bereavement, jeez
V selfish of him

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/10/2017 10:09

He's not 'ignoring them' though, is he? He's behaving exactly as he always does, if he doesn't speak to them usually.

Tbh, I lost my mum recently, and found it really odd when people I don't know from Adam come up and tell me they are sorry for my loss (it happens because I have a public face). It's sweet, but unnecessary.

LaughingElliot · 13/10/2017 10:09

And sorry for your loss OP, I am sure you are all feeling v upset and sensitive, it’s a shame your own husband can’t step up a bit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread