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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a upset with DH

43 replies

Canerows · 13/10/2017 09:30

Hi everyone
My father passed away a couple of weeks ago. DH who is good at most things and is a fab person is terrible at communication. I had to nag him for days to message my mum to express sympathy/ check on how she is doing. He has not said a word to any of my siblings either. He has honestly told me that he is anxious while speaking to my family or having to confront emotional situations such as this. I get that but still we have lost our father/husband! If it was him in my shoes, I would speak to all his family regardless of how I feel myself. When bad things happen in his family I am genuinely concerned; I speak to everyone affected and I am always checking to see how they are doing. I am so upset with DH, I can't help it. So please people AIBU about this situation?

OP posts:

LaughingElliot · 13/10/2017 10:13

Zapho just bc you’re cool with no one caring doesn’t mean everyone feels the same. It is important to the OP that her dh sends a message and so it should be important to him. That’s how it works in mutually supportive relationships. Honestly, the majority of posters on this thread have the EQ of a postage stamp.

Original poster

Canerows · 13/10/2017 10:14

Martellandginger

Just in case you do not understand the post, I'm not the one creating a fuss. My mum has gently mentioned that he hasn't kept in touch and I know that it must bother her for it to be mentioned. It's fine telling me I'm being unreasonable but there is no need for being rude i.e. calling me silly.
Thank you for your advice

OP posts:

Abrahamkin · 13/10/2017 10:15

I think you have too high and fixed expectations around what you would do being the right way. My MIL's mother recently died. It didn't occur to me to call his family to offer my condolences or anything! My DH is responsible for contact with his family and me for mine, so I expect his condolences to cover both, and my job to be to support him. I did go to the funeral, but that was about it.

If my DH had the same reaction as you I would tell him to change his family's expectations rather than try to change me!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/10/2017 10:15

@ Canerows, I'm so very sorry for your loss.🌹
Don't make excuse for your DH anymore, it isn't necessary. They know what he's like, it's high time they accepted it.
If he is a good man, and you are otherwise happy together, you must accept this as one of his failings, and remember we all have them. Unfortunately, we aren't all built, to cope with everything that life throws at us.

Abrahamkin · 13/10/2017 10:17

We crossposted there. Why didn't you explain to your mother than you are responsible for communication with your family so he considers that if you do it the 'family' contact is sufficient?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/10/2017 10:18

Sorry for your loss, but you have already said that he does not usually communicate with them - so it would be odd for him to do that now and I'm not surprised he feels anxious about contacting your family, especially under pressure and at a time when emotions are running high. Some people just don't know how to handle death. Suggest you up contact with your family and leave him be.

Shoppingwithmother · 13/10/2017 10:20

Sorry for your loss but I think YABVU. In my family (both my own husband and thinking about my parents’ relationship with their in-laws) it would just not be usual for anyone to be phoning, messaging etc their in-laws.
I don’t know why you would expect him to message eg your siblings about this and certainly can’t see why you would try to force him to. He is supporting your family by supporting you while you and your family are grieving. Hopefully.
Obviously if he isn’t supporting you then he is being unreasonable about that, but he’s married to you, not the other members of your family.

averythinline · 13/10/2017 10:21

Sorry for your loss but I think you are taking it out on your DH - if he didn't talk or interact much with them before why would he now...?
It would be really fake and insincere -
I don't see why he has to talk or interact with all your relatives...who he does not have a relationship with - what has it got to do with your mum either? she's not the boss of him - i'm not sure what yo have to defend

He is your DH so if he is supporting you then what more is required? He didn't marry your family.....
Just because you made yourself get on with his family ...yes YABU in this instance but possibly understandably

RosieBucket · 13/10/2017 10:27

I think YABU. When my fil died I didn't express sympathy verbally to each and every one of them. That's something an acquaintance might do - not an actual extended family member. I get on really well with my in-laws and it goes without saying that of course I'm aware of what's happened and they have my sympathies. Some things don't need to be said. It wouldn't have entered my head to text mil with my condolences, that would seem to me to be to be quite a 'distant' thing to do although I can see that might sound odd to some.
I'd cut your dh some slack, he is obviously finding this difficult.

Kr1st1na · 13/10/2017 10:27

Some men just refuse to do any of this emotional labour because they think it's womens work. And it IS work as you have discovered, it can often be exhausting and not fun at all.

So it sounds like you are married to one of these men and you had hoped that in a sad situation like this he would do his share. But it looks like he is digging his heels in and refusing point blank.

Sorry, you are right to beangry and upset about it. Contacting people after a bereavement to express your condolances is a normal thing in our society and it's rude and unkind to just not do it because it's beneath you.

Saying you are " anxious " is just an excuse - we all have to do things that make us anxious e.g. Calling the doctor for a blood test result, seeing the head teacher when you child is in trouble. Unfortunately that comes with being an adult . Unless , like you husband, you have staff to do these menial or difficult things for you.

I'm sorry for your loss and understand why you are feeling unsupported by him.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2017 10:27

Why would your mum expect him to keep in touch though

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 10:29

My mum has gently mentioned that he hasn't kept in touch and I know that it must bother her for it to be mentioned

gently mentioned? You said you are tired of constantly defending him. That doesn't add up.

Kr1st1na · 13/10/2017 10:29

Maybe her mum expect her SIL to offer some support because her husband died a few weeks ago? Jeez, is the poor woman who's just been widowed unreasonable for expecting her family to help her ?

If your husband died, would you hope for family support ?

RosieBucket · 13/10/2017 10:32

My husband never contacts my family. I would find it odd if he did

Yes, this. I get on fine with in-laws but dh does all the communicating on our behalf, as I do with my family. I think this is just an example of how people are brought up to think differently about family etiquette.

ToastyFingers · 13/10/2017 10:33

Assuming you live together, as a couple or a family, then I don't see why you'd both give your condolences separately.

Would he usually send a seperate message on a birthday, for example?

Personally, when I lost someone I was very close to last year, I hated my in-laws contacting me. It felt intrusive, like they wanted to play a part in my grief, which was private and personal.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 13/10/2017 10:35

I would say yabu I think different families have different dynamics and your own expectations are not the only way. My OH and I deal with our own families. I only really keep in contact with them when I WhatsApp photos of our children.

user1471517900 · 13/10/2017 11:50

Some men just refuse to do any of this emotional labour because they think it's womens work. And it IS work as you have discovered, it can often be exhausting and not fun at all.

What a confusing opinion. Are you suggesting that men don't have emotions because they can't be bothered to? Or that women think "oh I think I'll be upset about this even though it's more work for me". Surely you're upset or you're not?

Kr1st1na · 13/10/2017 15:25

I'm sorry that you find it confusing .

Emotional labour is nothing to do with being upset. I guess that you are unfamiliar with the term - these links might help. As will google

everydayfeminism.com/2016/08/women-femmes-emotional-labor/

www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/08/women-gender-roles-sexism-emotional-labor-feminism

www.huffingtonpost.com/psyched-in-san-francisco/why-women-are-tired-the-p_b_9619732.html

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