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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Surely he was being U?!

60 replies

NoMapOfMyHead · 13/10/2017 07:39

He doesn't seem to think so and thinks I was!

We're due to go out tonight. 1st time together since dc have been born... ds is 8!!

7am in bed with a cuppa.

Me: Do you still want to go out tonight?
DH: What, yeah why you asking I've only just woken up!
Me: Because I need to let dfriend know that we're still going. Have you asked GP if they can watch DC.
DH: No, get off my case, we've just woken up.
Me: Well yiu need to ask them, we need to know.
DH: Stop going on, stop being a bitch!

So I got pissed off, told him what the big deal was and walked out the room.

What was the big fucking deal?

OP posts:

Firesuit · 13/10/2017 08:31

I don't think the exact number of minutes since he woke up matters. It was clearly still too soon.

Penfold007 · 13/10/2017 08:32

Did you get your night out?

chainedtothedesk · 13/10/2017 08:33

Yanbu.
7am is hardly the middle of the night is it?

Scribblegirl · 13/10/2017 08:33

DP leaves for work at 7am, if we didn't have important 'day planning' conversations the second I woke up then the day wouldn't get planned!!

Yanbu OP. How are things with him generally?

kaytee87 · 13/10/2017 08:36

Maybe if the dh had organised the babysitting on Monday, op wouldn't have to nag
I reckon he was so defensive from the first question because he knows he's made an arse of it by not organising the babysitting sooner.
If he wasn't defensive from the off the conversation would have gone more like;

Op: Do you still want to go tonight?
DH: yeah, looking forward to it.
Op: Great, did you manage to speak to your parents about babysitting?
DH: Not yet, I'll sort it today though don't worry.
Op: Ok, hopefully they don't have any plans.

KoalaD · 13/10/2017 08:36

It was clearly still too soon.

Fifteen minutes is too soon after waking to talk to your husband without being called a bitch?

Come on. Stop making excuses for utter rudeness.

Firesuit · 13/10/2017 08:38

OP has come back to him twice after he's indicated he needs to be left alone. The "bitch" comment needs to be read in the context of someone who is under "attack" even after he's managed to ask nicely to be left alone. (I appreciate that some people won't understand how listening to someone when you're not ready feels like an attack.)

kaytee87 · 13/10/2017 08:38

I know koala even if I woke my dh in the middle of the night to ask him a question, he still wouldn't call me a bitch. Might groan at me and ask why it was so important but there would be no name calling.
The amount of people that bend over backwards to defend men being completely out of order always amuses me.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/10/2017 08:40

He was rude, but I do have sympathy for your DH if he's anything like me. I can't stand conversations happening before I've had a chance to wake up fully and know full well I come across as rude if anyone does try to converse with me before then. It's not deliberate, I just get wound up by it all.

Hopefully it's all sorted by now, OP.

FlossieCharlieCat · 13/10/2017 08:42

I'm as grumpy as anything during that first hour after waking up but would never call anyone a bitch however annoying I found them. That is completely U.

deepestdarkestperu · 13/10/2017 08:42

He was rude and his reaction was massively OTT. Nothing you said warranted him calling you a bitch.

But neither DP or I are early morning people. I can get up and function when I have to, but I don’t want to have a full-blown conversation or have to think too much until I’ve had some coffee!

I would maybe have waited until I was up and dressed before trying to have a proper conversation.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 08:43

You haven't been out together for 8 years? And that's how you talk to each other?

That sounds like your marriage is long dead and you should have buried the corpse long ago. 8 years? Crikey.

KoalaD · 13/10/2017 08:44

There's a massive difference between 'coming across as rude' and verbally abusing someone.

The first is being a bit short, for example. The second is calling someone a bitch, or prick, or arsehole.

diddl · 13/10/2017 08:45

"The "bitch" comment needs to be read in the context of someone who is under "attack" even after he's managed to ask nicely to be left alone."

No.

The bitch comment is just nasty under any circumstances.

Sarahh2014 · 13/10/2017 08:45

If it was me id have made him sort babysitting out waaay before as I like things set in stone as we don't go out often and wouldn't want to be disappointed if we couldn't go..as for the bitch comment he knows better

kaytee87 · 13/10/2017 08:48

Come on folks it's not like op tried to have a conversation about differing political agreements, a serious illness, the state of their marriage etc at 3 in the morning.

All she did was ask if he still wanted to go out tonight 15 minutes after he had gotten up and had a cup of tea. Ops dh was immediately defensive and the only reason he asked her to leave him alone is because he knew fine well he should have organised a babysitter before now.

Even if my dh were having an argument about something serious he still wouldn't call me a bitch. It's abhorrent behaviour on his part.

thecatfromjapan · 13/10/2017 08:51

You both sound a bit angry and stressed about it. Going out together, alone, can be quite strange if you haven't done it for a while - and 8 years is definitely 'a while'.

Are you stressed too?

Leaving the childcare until the morning of your 'date' sounds as though both of you are a bit wary. Asking him about the childcare in the morning could be construed as you wanting him to take the blame for both of you dodging having to do the date.

To be honest, without having been there, and knowing about how things are going generally, it is hard to tell. It could just be that he is horrible to you, doesn't talk, you do all the pushing for closeness, and he pushes you away (and 'bitch' is horrible). Or it could be that you both do that.

'Bitch' is not OK.

I hope you get your date night. I hope it goes well.

deepestdarkestperu · 13/10/2017 08:53

The whole tone of the conversation sounds off to me, really. Sounds like you’re not getting on in general and this conversation is just a snapshot of that.

Yes, he should have organised things and not been so rude, but I think if someone asked me a barrage of questions and was pissed off with all my answers, I’d be feeling a bit fed up too.

Goldmandra · 13/10/2017 09:04

The issue here is that you're responsible for the mental load so, as soon as you're awake , you're ticking of the tasks for the day on your mental list. This was just one small one of many and it was an opportune moment to raise it as you were together and he had been awake for 15 minutes and been out of bed to make the cup of tea.

He, on the other hand, is used to only thinking about himself and know full well he hadn't lived up to his responsibility. He was feeling defensive and chose to use the timing of the question to make you feel bad for highlighting he slip up.

It is perfectly reasonable to ask someone a question when they have already been out of bed to make a cuppa. Claiming not to be awake enough at that point is ridiculous. I'm surprised at the number of posters who enable or indulge in this childish behaviour.

Could it be that he doesn't want to go out?

carelessproffessional · 13/10/2017 09:04

My OH would never call me a bitch, ever.

Because I would never accept it.

user1493413286 · 13/10/2017 09:08

I’m not good with being asked about pretty much anything before my morning cup of tea but there’s no excuse for being rude or calling you a bitch. He could of just said can we talk about it when I’ve properly woken up etc

Original poster

NoMapOfMyHead · 13/10/2017 09:09

mint we're just not that fussed about going out of an evening. We generally do stuff together during the day. We're both keen outdoors people.

I've done 2 12hr shifts over the past couple days. Just haven't had the chance to ask. He's seen his parents both those days so he could have asked face to face easily by Tuesday.
I have a day off today so i asked him when we were in bed chatting.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMapOfMyHead · 13/10/2017 09:11

I think it's a mix of anxious because he hadn't asked them. Plus maybe not wanting to go out. Tbf, we're both introverts and prefer eachother's company more. So going out this eve is probably making us both a bit nervy

OP posts:

Lethaldrizzle · 13/10/2017 09:19

I love the way a woman asking her husband relevant questions about evening plans gets called nagging on this thread! Yes op you may both be anxious about this upcoming date but you're not the one throwing around abusive terms. He is. I hope he bucks up his manners on your date!

letsmargaritatime · 13/10/2017 09:22

Nagging someone the minute they wake up is asking for trouble

It wasn't the minute they woke up. I wouldn't expect to be "treading carefully" when asking about plans ten or twenty minutes after waking up,

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