to ask how to cope with negative comments about “overdressing”

[JewelFoot]

After a divorce last year, I’m really enjoying finding my own style.

I’m not talking designer brands but I match my colours, like and choose/coordinate accessories, and try and look reasonably chic.

I’m not dressing in an obviously uncomfortable way or - sexually overt way (not that there is anything wrong with that!)- am fairly covered up/ practical - I can’t afford a car and so tend to be fairly covered up for the weather.

I’m a mature student in a hard (for me) subject which hopefully will lead to a solid career job, and also work for a big employer in the service industry to keep going financially. Overall I love it, the independence is great.

As one would expect my colleagues are not interested in whether or not I wear a fleece or a trench coat or a shalwar kameez (obviously the fashion choices of a low level employee are not the priority in someone’s working day! )

However, a few (women ) have tend to come out with fairly underhand unpleasant comments “questioning” me (implying I’m overspending on clothes - I have savings and mainly buy ebay/primark/charity shop stuff- or that I’m trying to “pull” the men at work, or simply “why are you so dressed up for? What are you wearing that for?”

I mean, it makes me feel good/confident but I don’t see why these women are being aggressive about needing an “explanation”? ( it really isn’t said in a friendly way - it’s also not like their the kind of colleagues who I have been having long conversations about my personal life so they’re actually curious about me?)

Eg Ive started wearing jeans tucked into boots (Mancheste rain and soggy hemlines means this is a genius idea and I like the look ) and someone asked if im trying to “pretend I own a horse”, implying I’m insecure and trying to be something I’m not?

I can compare this with my experience of working whilst in an abusive marriage (I’d often be turning up to work in dirty ill fitting clothes and hijab as I didn’t have access to spending money and my ex wasn’t working and used to start “all night” rows so I had no time to wash ) No one had that same tone of disapproval as they do now,

You sound confident and happy. They sound narrow minded, bored, jealous and bitchy. Refuse to even answer their questions at all and change the subject/walk away. Twats.

Wow, your colleagues are a bunch of bitches. Flip them the bird and keep wearing what you like!

If you suddenly change what you wear, people will comment but it's amazing how fast they get used to the "new you". Just keep on keeping on.

You could do the mumsnet ‘did you mean to be rude?’ Thing
Honestly though take no notice

They are being a bunch of bitches. It is completely obvious when a comment is designed to be mean or not.

Ignore them. They clearly don't have enough going on in their own lives.

Making snidey comments, such as 'are you pretending you own a horse' isn't 'chatting and making conversation'. It's being rude.

Jeans have been inside boots for a long time as far as I can recall.

I would definitely agree with some of the other posters on here that the comments are made out of pure jealousy. If you go to work looking nice and smart, you are probably putting them to shame. Good for you! Carry on the good work.

I always liked to dress smartly for work as it made me feel better and more professional. There were some total scruffs in the office but I never lowered myself to those standards.

Good on you for getting out of an abusive marriage. Wear what you want and let your light shine!

It might be jealousy, or just might be the thing they suddenly notice about you. When I was feeling crotchety in my old job I'd go through weeks of wearing jeans hoodies and no makeup. And then one day wearing a dress and makeup and stockings. The difference would be stark enough for my male desk mate to joke about hoping I was feeling better about work etc. So even simple upgrades could be coming across as quite stark differences? As for not commenting earlier, it'd probably be even more unkind to have said anything when you looked like you were visibly struggling no?

Maybe they're just gossiping and wondering if you're dating etc.

Anyway, don't give them headspace, you do you!

Tell them to fuck off!

I'm a very long time Mumsnet lurker and I've just finally taken the step of joining so I can reply to your post.

You go girl!

Women-on-women shaming sucks balls and is way too common.

If you feel good, that will stand out to the people that matter. I wish I, and a few of my friends, had the guts to properly be the people they could be!

Please dont give up on looking and feeling your best because of (ill founded) negative comments.

Hope you succeed in all you do xx

Some people get irrationally jealous of other people making a change for the better and desperately want you to fail.

They are the people who will pester you to break a diet, skip a gym class, rush your homework, stop tucking your jeans into your boots.

They have sad lives. Jealous of your strength.

Carry on as you are.

I have a well practised knee jerk response to random judgy comments: "What an interesting thing to say to someone." while looking at the person kind of blankly which tbh is what I would do anyway at a bizarre comment Then leave a long pause as you gather yourself together. They'll start to bluster and justify themselves while you just stare at them. All you need to say is "interesting point of view" or "OK" before excusing yourself and walking off looking slightly bemused at their insanity.

Never ever engage and justify yourself.

What type of job is it? If your clothing is appropriate for the environment, ignore them. They sound jealous and unpleasant. Jeans tucked into socks is sensible and practical.

Having said that, when I worked night shifts in a care home, one member of staff used to turn up wearing full make up, hair elaborately styled, tailored pencil skirts etc. The rest of us wore tshirts and jogging bottoms, so she stood out. Her clothes were neither practical nor comfortable looking for the job. We all wondered who she was trying to impress, or what compelled her to dress up for that environment. She would have looked great in the boardroom, yet out of place in a care home.

I think it's great to express yourself. I wear lots of bright colours and experiment with new styles. But there are also times I want to blend in. At work I prefer to follow the unspoken 'dress code' so I save my more adventurous clothes for socialising or weekends.

I quite like to respond to these comments with 'Are you the fashion police?!' said with a big smile.

I think they see you looking lovely and perceive it as a threat.
I'd take the compliment and keep enjoying yourself.

You could start an instagram account to share looks with more like-minded people?

Standard response of ‘hahahaha you say the bizarrest things what a quirky little thing you are’

Or similar condescending statement until they get the sticks out of theirs asses and leave you alone

'Im enjoying the freedom to chose how I dress. Why do you ask?'

I'm with you. I don't work any more but always make an effort to look pulled together. When I did work I always had 'work clothes' even though it wasn't formal dress. I just liked to do so.

Earlier this year I had a horrible time in a court case and the only single good thing was getting to wear clothes I never usually need to.

Alternatively, 'Yes, I've bought a donkey. It's cheaper than the bus.'

I'd say it's jealousy/insecurity, because the comments are a bit bitchy (the owning a horse one). I sometimes like to wear dresses or hats etc on a normal day and people do tend to comment just because it's dressier than people are used to, but if people say 'you look nice' or 'nice dress' that suggests they are just noticing rather than being rude as some of your colleagues seem to be.

You can either reply in kind ('I just find it so boring to wear the same clothes every day' with emphasis on 'boring' as you make eye contact) - which risks escalating their rudeness - or just say a bright faux naive 'thanks! I love my boots! So glad you noticed them!'. Either way, just enjoy the fun you are having and ignore their miserable selves.

God, they sound awful. And about twelve years old.

I find a confused-sounding "I beg your pardon?" works in lots of these situations. Put the onus back on them to explain their snide comment. They won't be able to.

The only appropriate thing to say about someone else's appearance, ever, is "You look great!"

Just say "I like it" and don't let them mess with your head.

Have you tried the head tilt and "good grooming isn't over dressing"

What utterly pathetic people you work with.

When they are questioning you about why you are wearing something just say "I like this why are you wearing that?"

It's funny how people will back down when it's turned back on them.

Just ignore them! Back when I was in uni I was dressed in minimalist clothes 70% of the time, and the other 30% consisted of things that are probably in the "comment magnet" category (think along the lines of a slightly wearable Alexander McQueen-esque style profile). What mattered was that I was happy and comfortable with myself.

There were some total scruffs in the office but I never lowered myself to those standards.

Wow talk about judgemental. Why do you feel the need to bring someone down based on how they dress? I once worked for a hedge fund that had a dress code not dissimilar to that of Google. Think jeans, t-shirts with random prints, birkenstocks etc. You'd probably call all these people "scruffy". There's more to people than what they choose to wear.

Op I hear you, where I work is very casual wear, jeans, tracksuit bottoms, etc and I decided I wanted to make a bit more effort so have started wearing skirts and tops with a scarf or a dress with tights and boots - not overly dressy but enough that I feel I've made an effort. For a while there were a few comments from other staff members about who was I out to impress/ did I have a meeting with the accountant, etc which I took as a compliment even if I knew it wasn't meant that way!! The other day I overheard two colleagues saying to each other 'yeah but marge does look well though' and I've had a couple of people ask where did I get a particular dress or skirt. I think they just see you making an effort and it makes them feel like shite, but that's their problem tbh. I feel more confident on the days I make a bit of an effort with my appearance and that can only be a good thing so keep it up and ignore the others

I think you sound fabulous, both inside AND out. Ignore them.

Down here in the South everyone wears their jeans tucked into boots!

I'm an HCA in a hospital - when I reapply my lipstick at break time I often get asked who I'm trying to impress (I just like lipstick!).

Some people are either jealous or don't have much else to think about.

Agree with the posters so far. Jealousy and bitchiness are not nice traits. Ignore them because they're frankly pathetic and sound immature. Hugely well done on getting outs of your marriage. That takes strength and courage. You deserve to enjoy your hard won sense of yourself and what makes you feel good. Do.not.change.a.thing.

There were some total scruffs in the office but I never lowered myself to those standards Oh so it's not ok to be nasty if someone has made an effort but it is ok to be nasty if they perhaps haven't or look "scruffy"? Maybe rethink your outlook. Surely we can all be kind whatever people are wearing as there is a lot more to people than how they look