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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DS to slow down? To want my old DS back?

82 replies

forevermisunderstood · 11/10/2017 22:53

I've name changed to remain understood.

My DS, who's 14, has recently started a new school. He is a very popular person in his prior and his new school, and has already started to go out a lot. He is an incredibly kind and helpful person to anyone, but I'm beginning to notice the teenage angst.

He is now extremely uptight about his phone and doesn't agree to me using it. I am quite a firm parent and made sure I checked up on it, to find a girl on his home screen. Of course I was surprised, so I questioned it and he revealed that she was his girlfriend. We don't often talk about relationships so I was happy he came forward with it.

This past Monday his charger broke so he had to leave his phone in my room overnight. I woke up early on Tuesday due to the barrage of texts he received from a different girl, who complained that he was a 'fuckboy'. He received similar messages before but he said they were just jokes.

As an obviously sleep-deprived parent I sat him down and told him to explain fully. He started from the begin. There is a website/app called Sarahah that a lot of his peers are using to reveal secrets anonymously. He says that he has received a lot of love and comments saying he's the best looking in the year, kindest etc. At school familiar compliments continued and he started to talk to different girls. This is where the term 'fuckboy' comes into play. He has been called such for moving from one girl to another in such a short time - he's had 8 different girlfriends in just under a month and a half! Most girls have 'fallen' for him and he is now a 'player' ffs!

Maybe it's just me who doesn't understand school but I've never known a boy at school to have so many in love with him and have so many girlfriends. DH says it is an extremely unhealthy attitude that will disrupt his future which I completely agree about (but he definitely got his looks from his father). Towards the end he rambles on about how he's like a celeb and how people often wait outside his class - so bizarre!

Today I had been infuriated when it came to my attention that the party the DS attended on Friday had not only drinks but some young people taking it further with each other. DS insists that he did not have sex but said he did lie with multiple girls and kiss some of them. Despite this, a friends mum sent me an image of DS and her daughter extremely close with DS shirtless and jeans undone. This news made me extremely disappointed because this is the same DS that although he was veryyy popular in his last school, volunteered at charities and came home straight from his last school to do housework and/or begin cooking.

Our family does not drink, and I don't think DS drank anything on Saturday, but this isn't right to me. I'm happy that he has confidence at a new school and he is experimenting with light love, but I just want my DS back. I've explained this to him and taken his phone away for the half term for lying (concerning the photo) but he remains adamant that he isn't doing anything wrong. In his words - 'It's not my fault all the girls like me!'.

AIBU to want my old DS back?

OP posts:
AmysTiara · 11/10/2017 23:50

There is no right way. You know your son. We don't. You will know what type of person he is and what the best way of communicating with him is better than anyone on here.

grumpysquash3 · 11/10/2017 23:51

I've never known a boy at school to have so many in love with him and have so many girlfriends. DH says it is an extremely unhealthy attitude that will disrupt his future which I completely agree about (but he definitely got his looks from his father). Towards the end he rambles on about how he's like a celeb and how people often wait outside his class - so bizarre!

It's this bit that makes you sound proud, in my opinion.

Original poster
forevermisunderstood · 11/10/2017 23:52

ohh parked and dancing are you talking about the mistake in the first line where I said 'name changed to remain understood'? I meant to replace understood with anonymous.

OP posts:
Original poster
forevermisunderstood · 11/10/2017 23:53

Ahhh grumpy I get what you mean. Reading over it it does sound lighthearted but that wasn't what I was aiming for.

OP posts:
Original poster
forevermisunderstood · 11/10/2017 23:54

He's in year 10 and yep that label has got to go. He's off to bed already but I'll talk to him about cleaning that up as soon as possible.

OP posts:
Mooncuplanding · 11/10/2017 23:55

The harsh reality is that teens lie to us about what they are doing

They lie about relationship stuff (sex!), drinking AND drugs

There's not much you can do about that - it's kind of normal - forging independence, flying the nest.

parkednearby · 11/10/2017 23:56

This party he went to - where was it, at a friend's house?

TheBoyWhoWouldntHoeCorn · 12/10/2017 00:01

I agree mooncup

innagazing · 12/10/2017 00:02

Where I live, 'fuckboy' means a boy that has sex with one girl, then moves onto the next girl very quickly and has sex with her. And so on.

It sounds as though it might have the same meaning in your area, given that he's had so many 'girlfriends' and that he is also being accused of it by a girl.

Original poster
forevermisunderstood · 12/10/2017 00:03

Yep the party happened at one of his newer friends. I also understand the teenage phase etc. but it's just come as a shock as DS seemed completely different just three months ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
forevermisunderstood · 12/10/2017 00:06

innagazing in our area it usually means a boy who is generally unreliable as he meets up with a new girl quite consistently - like they cannot commit to a proper relationship.

OP posts:
pallisers · 12/10/2017 00:16

He is still very young.

You need to have some serious conversations with him about:

Consent - he is too young to be having sex but please talk about this a lot. He needs to know the reality of this for women - and for his future if he violates it.

Drinking - he is 14, way too young

Responsible sex when he and his partners are old enough

His social media presence - does he understand that everything he does that is recorded on social media (photos/texts/posts) has the potential to go viral?

You sound a bit naive tbh OP - but I don't blame you - I have 3 older teens and have to constantly recalibrate. I don't know about fuckboy meaning what you think (what your son has told you) and would seriously doubt he hasn't strayed very very far into sexual activity.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 12/10/2017 00:17

Is Sahahah that app that sells your details to spammers?

NikiBabe · 12/10/2017 00:21

Plus I think he knows that if he gets any girl pregnant any time soon then the world will come to an end.

Only the world wont come to an end. He'll have to live with it and so will you.

sadiemm2 · 12/10/2017 00:33

Lots to think about here.. Sexually active 14yr olds don't usually have the emotional maturity to deal with the consequences of their new found activities. Does he understand chlamydia, HPV, genital warts, the possibility of fatherhood....? Being a fuckboy is not a pleasant thing, my girls speak very dismissively of former classmates who have gone down the fuckboy route. This new popularity has obviously gone to his head, and you are going to have work hard to bring him down to earth. Sorry if that sounds harsh.... X

LivingInLaLaLand · 12/10/2017 00:35

Oh oh, this will not end well.

Fuckboy is a term used by DD & her peers too, once they get that tag they soon become the laughing stock & no girl will touch them with a barge pole. He needs to wind his neck in & treat girls with more respect, or they sure as hell won't be respecting him soon, his reputation will be mud.

I'm also dubious about the party, trust me from experience, if there's drink, there will be drugs as these days it's easier for ten to get their hands on drink than it is drugs.

You need to be checking his social media accounts, including pms to learn what he is really up to

LivingInLaLaLand · 12/10/2017 00:41

Sorry that was meant to say " easier to get their hands on drugs than it is drink

Intomyarms · 12/10/2017 00:44

Being a good looking newbie at school will bring attention.

His state of undress at a party where he claims the photo was set up makes me think he is either having intercourse or very heavy petting. Having numerous girls on one night is alarming and very disrespectful to the young girls in question and also to himself.

LivingInLaLaLand · 12/10/2017 00:49

That bit worries me too. Friends slightly older son actually has a sex offenders record for similar, though worse behaviour after a video of him at was basically an mini orgy went viral. The girl was only slightly younger, but underage & he was just turned 16. That was a wake up call when the police turned up at the door.

Graphista · 12/10/2017 01:21

What on earth! Had you even spoken to the parents of where the party was held?!

Phone gone, grounded, serious talks had about legal and personal repercussions on him and others for his dodgy behaviour especially the pics! He's sailing VERY close to the wind legally.

Why have you and his father left it until he's 14 to discuss such things with him?!

Now you need to discuss respect, consent, legalities of sexualised content on social media, consideration of the feelings of others (inc other boys he's gonna be pissing them off too - swooping in and 'dating' all the girls they fancy), how he SHOULD be prioritising his school work when it sounds like you've barely bothered in the past. Have you discussed sti's and contraception even?

Grounded until he gets it! Work with the school.

Any parent of teens surely has rules around phone use and access I know I do and other parents I know in real life all have similar rules.

No downloading apps without permission, parents get access without question at any time - I'm guessing you're paying for the phone?

And yes you come over as smug that he's attractive and popular... That's problematic too because looks and charm will open doors but you need more substance to stay put.

You and your dh seriously need to get to grips with this.

innagazing · 12/10/2017 01:53

innagazing -in our area it usually means a boy who is generally unreliable as he meets up with a new girl quite consistently - like they cannot commit to a proper relationship.

I think you may be being a bit naive about the meaning of 'fuckboy' and it's much more literal than your somewhat sanitised version.

The clue is in the word 'fuck'

LivingInLaLaLand · 12/10/2017 06:25

^innagazing -in our area it usually means a boy who is generally unreliable as he meets up with a new girl quite consistently - like they cannot commit to a proper relationship.

I think you may be being a bit naive about the meaning of 'fuckboy' and it's much more literal than your somewhat sanitised version.

The clue is in the word 'fuck'^

Actually, not necessarily, not at 14, though he's sailing very close to the wind & it's not improbable that he's already close to or crossed that line. Fuckboys are basically the school sex pest, one that charms some of the more insecure girls into "going out with them" though their method is more the erosion School of charm than girls throwing themselves at them, certainly after the first half dozen girlfriends in quick succession. It's a term that I've seen & heard around DDs friend since year 6, (though in front of me it's "F'boy") One boy who was a close friend of DD in years 5,6,7 had this title from year 7 onwards, is the same boy messaging all the girls, including DD asking for "tit pics" he's a standing joke amongst the girls & they all take the piss out of him & not one of them will touch him with a barge pour. It's not impossible that he's sexually active already, according to DD many of them are at this age, but Fuckboy doesn't necessarily mean that he is & unsupervised parties, where drinks are been spiked & alcohol flows is a very high risk for this sort of thing

Angelicinnocent · 12/10/2017 06:49

Yes fuckboy here is considered the male version of calling a girl a slag and once they get that title, they are laughed at and ridiculed by the majority of the girls.

DD 15 also tells me that it is social suicide to date a known fuckboy but if they are good looking enough, snogging and heavy petting/sex is acceptable if you can claim to have been drunk at the time.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 12/10/2017 06:54

You sound infatuated with your Son. And not in a motherly way. This post has made me feel a bit sick.

LivingInLaLaLand · 12/10/2017 06:55

You sound infatuated with your Son. And not in a motherly way. This post has made me feel a bit sick

Don't be so bloody daftHmm