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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go batshit at my MIL?

71 replies

candypanda283 · 11/10/2017 14:54

Link to original thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3022804-Keeping-babies-away-from-family-member-with-shingles-aibu

Our Dr advised we keep our prem babies away from a great grandparent with shingles until the rash was gone. My mil thought it was unreasonable as 6 months later the person was unable to get rid of the shingles. Anyway she told us to take our babies round as the rash was gone. I let the family member hold one of them and then they caught chicken pox and my husband has lost over 400 pounds this week as baby has been so poorly and needed to go to out of hours on numerous occasions. When confronted MIL acknowledged she knew the rash was still there but "a nurse" told her it wasn't shingles so she told us it was gone.

AIBU to go batshit at my mil?we are skint this month now and my baby has had pox in his throat and been inconsolable all week. I'm livid.

OP posts:
TroelsLovesSquinkies · 11/10/2017 15:41

Shingles can last for a very long time with very elderly patients who have weak immune systems.
Shame on your MIL for saying the rash was gone.
Your babies were put at risk, adjusting for them being premature, they aren't even 6 months old yet. CP in their little throats must have been agony for them.
Hope they get better very soon.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 11/10/2017 15:44

Why didn't you ask the person yourself before you took your children to see them?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 11/10/2017 15:45

OP, I would be LIVID. And I'd second letting your OH bring it up with his Mum. I also call bullshit on the nurse saying it wasn't shingles. Why would she take such a risk with her own grandchildren? I'm mad on your behalf!

MamaLeen · 11/10/2017 15:46

You are not being unreasonable.
People don't realise how much of a fight prem babies had just to be here and the littlest of infection can make them so unwell.
Your mil lied and jepordised your children just to get her own way. I would thinking twice about how much she actually cares for the children.
I hope your wee one gets better soon. 💖

SemiNormal · 11/10/2017 15:47

I know two men in their 60s (both weak immune systems for different reasons) who both had shingles lasting months and months so I'm surprised that it's apparently uncommon for it to last so long.

MuggaTea · 11/10/2017 15:48

I hope she gets better soon.

Hopefully you can save some money by not visiting them for a while ....

anamelikenoother · 11/10/2017 16:02

OP I'm livid for you! What a complete breech of trust.
My grandmother had shingles for years - she just couldn't shift it. She'd just about shift it and then it would come back, often triggered by stress (she was managing my grandfather with dementia).
You MIL defied medical advice and he wishes of her own son and DIL because she wanted to get her own way and presumed she knew best. I'd find it really hard to forgive that degree of selfishness.
Has she apologised or even admitted she made a mistake?
As hard as it might be, I agree with pp about not going batshit - maintain the upper hand and explain the consequences of her lie and why you can't trust her any more. I think I'd need to go NC for a while just to manage my own anger!

So sorry this has happened to you OP and really hope your babies recover quickly. In no way are you being unreasonable about this!

jwpetal · 11/10/2017 16:03

YANBU! I would be furious. I had twin prems, who were very ill. She obviously has no understanding of prem babies and how much more susceptible to illness they can be. I don't know what to tell you, but you are right.

Dustbunny1900 · 11/10/2017 16:04

Shockingly selfish and lackadaisical about a baby's health/safety, not to mention giving a middle finger up to your explicit request as the parent!! She can't be trusted. Extremely disrespectful.
Even IF the baby somehow picked it up somewhere else and it's all just a coincidence..she completely blew you off and disrespected you. Not ok

KeepItAsItIs · 11/10/2017 16:09

YANBU. I'd keep my children away from her as she clearly thinks she knows better so I would never trust her judgement.

My nan had shingles for longer than 4 weeks. She was really ill with it.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2017 16:12

I think if someone with an 'ulterior motive' such as MiL had announced that 'a nurse' told me it wasn't shingles, the first thing I'd say would be 'What was it then?'. But that's water under the bridge.

Go batshit crazy? No, that won't serve any purpose. The message gets lost because all the 'hearer' hears is the anger and they become self-righteous about being shouted at and they use it to negate the message. But a calm discussion on broken trust, betrayal, and the lack of care for the babies certainly is in order. MiL needs to understand that she's broken your trust in her and that you will be hearing everything she says with suspicion from now on.

JaneEyre70 · 11/10/2017 16:15

I'd be so far out the other side of fuming, one of mine was premature and got chickenpox from her big sister. She was only 12lbs at 7 months and couldn't feed due to all the blisters in her mouth. Even our GP was nearly in tears when she saw the state she was in. It was awful and you have my complete sympathy. For your MIL to tell an outright lie is actually quite shocking, and not something I'd forgive or forget in a hurry. It could have had devastating consequences. Hope your little one is better and you all get some sleep Flowers

Terrylene · 11/10/2017 16:23

Chickenpox virus is a bugger for people who have weakened immune systems. They just can't fight it off. That is why you are supposed to keep them away from it.

My DTDs caught it at 4weeks but fortunately it was mild and they recovered well, but my little one caught it again at playgroup.

AcrossthePond is right - if you blow up too much it loses the message. Stay calm and keep repeating.

This is the sort of thing my DM would do - balancing everyone's needs, then taking the decision herself. Then disowning it when it goes pear shaped.

DMIL would have asked our opinion, understood, and talked to whichever grandparent saying firmly that they did not want to pass it on and that it was sad, but making sure there were plenty stories and photographs so that the DGGP did not miss out.

Terrylene · 11/10/2017 16:24

PS hope the little ones (and the DGGP) better soon. Flowers

Danceswithwarthogs · 11/10/2017 16:26

She lied to you... not sure about batshit but quiet, dignified anger should cover it. DH should tell her it was wrong of her to deliberately mislead you on the facts so you couldn't decide what was safe for your baby. It has damaged your trust and ultimately the amount/type of future contact she has with her grandchild. Although eventually it will probably do you all good to forgive and move on in the long run.

Mittens1969 · 11/10/2017 16:27

Poor little mite, I hope she gets well soon. And YANBU about MIL, that was so selfish and irresponsible.

Secretsthatnevershouldbetold · 11/10/2017 16:27

It is interesting, though... as advice with shingles is very different than chicken pox. I had a colleague with shingles (school teacher of 7 year old children) who was told it was fine to work right through if she felt up to it. We had Estyn in, so she did. I believe shingles advice is just "cover it up and carry on as normal."

Yvetteballs · 11/10/2017 16:30

What has MIL said since?

MissConductUS · 11/10/2017 16:31

But if she was told by a nurse that it wasn't shingles....?

Yeah, she made that up. No nurse is going to take a look and tell her that it's not shingles, particularly when she's had shingles.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/10/2017 16:32

Ask MIL to reimburse you the lost earnings as a result of her misrepresentation you have suffered loss!

HazelBite · 11/10/2017 16:32

My Twin Ds's caught CP at 3 weeks old from their older siblings. They are now aged 30.(so it had no lasting ill effects) Please don't fret and worry unduly I'm sure they will recover and be okay.
Give your MIL a metaphorical poke in the eye!

BewareOfDragons · 11/10/2017 16:33

MIL wouldn't be seeing the babies anymore here... completely unacceptable behaviour.

And she should be told to replace the lost £400 ... this is entirely on her lying ass.

Terrylene · 11/10/2017 16:33

I was told that it wasn't infectious by the doctor when I had it at 13, but all the advice now says it is. My mother took me in to work with her - with small children Hmm - because she would not leave me at home on my own.......
It also says you cannot catch shingles from people with chicken pox - I had it when it seemed like the whole school was going down with chicken pox so I am not convinced about that. It probably sets it off.

MissConductUS · 11/10/2017 16:40

It also says you cannot catch shingles from people with chicken pox

After you've had an outbreak, the chicken pox virus goes dormant and hides inside your nerve cells, often for decades. When it reemerges (usually due to a weakened immune system) it presents as shingles. So strictly speaking, you cannot catch shingles from people with chicken pox. If you have shingles, you can give people chicken pox if they don't have immunity to it already.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 11/10/2017 16:41

www.tandurust.com/infections/recurring-shingles-causes-prevention.html
www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/shingles/news/20091102/shingles-recurs-more-often-than-thought

Shingles, unlike chicken pox is more likely to recur (although it is not unknown for chicken pox to be caught more than once). I know several people who have suffered through recurring shingles infections (My Dad is one of them). So whilst yes, it would be a long time for one infection, it is more likely that OP's gmil was suffering from a recurring infection. Elderly/ immuno compromised and sick individuals are much more vulnerable to recurring shingles infections!

I am honestly horrified that your mil/ gmil would lie and manipulate to engineer a visit, whilst knowingly putting your vulnerable babies at risk! I am so sorry that you were treated like this! I hope your babies recover quickly from the infection. I was in a similar situation after my daughter was born, she was three- four weeks early and born in the midst of the bird flu epidemic. My lovely Aunt who I was close to, caught bird flu and quickly deteriorated, within a few days she died (she was immuno compromised due to her receiving treatment for cancer. I was advised not to have any contact with my Aunt and wasn't able to attend her funeral or have contact with my Mum (who had obviously gone down to visit with my Aunt before hand.) or my sibling/cousins/ other aunts and uncles who had been in contact with my aunt. My Mum was put on anti virals and had to stay away for several weeks. She liased with her g.p and I with my g.p/ midwife and health visitor and both g.p's were in contact with each other before they made a joint decision that it was safe for my Mum to visit again. It was an awful time, made worse by not being able to comfort each other in person.

I know my Mother found it incredulously hard missing out on seeing my newborn baby girl but she never once thought of being selfish and putting my baby girl at risk! I hope that your dh makes sure that his Mother realises that there are consequences to her selfish behaviour! I'm not sure if I could ever forgive her recklessness!