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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this isn't 'slut shaming'?

49 replies

MsMarvel · 09/10/2017 22:55

I personally dislike that phrase so apologise to anyone else that doesnt like it, but my dp was accused of slut shaming and I'm curious as to what other people think of the situation.

Dp works in a bar. At the weekend there was a couple in who were all over each Other, lots of thigh rubbing, ear nibbling, pawing at each other sort of stuff.

Do told them to cut it out, and that it wasnt appropriate in the pub. They arent happy, drink up and leave.

They come back in the following night and woman accuses dp of being misogynistic, and that he had slut shamed her the previous night.

Surely this has nothing to do with slut shaming or anything like that, theres acceptable behaviour in public places and this wasn't it?? Dp seems a bit bothered by the accusation.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/10/2017 23:03

No its not slut shaming. There's a time and place for all that. If other people wanted to watch people canoodling, they'd stay at home and watch porn.
There are certain places where this sort of behavior is actually illegal.

PatMustardsBigTool · 09/10/2017 23:04

I agree - it's nothing to do with 'slut shaming' and everything to do with appropriate behaviour in public by both males and females.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 09/10/2017 23:05

She is an idiot. That is not slut shaming. I hate seeing that sort of behaviour.

LexieLulu · 09/10/2017 23:06

My understanding of slut shaming is more telling someone they shouldn't dress in a certain way?

Ttbb · 09/10/2017 23:06

That's not slit shaming.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2017 23:08

Assuming they weren't both female, what did she say when he pointed out he'd told them both and not just her?

Original poster
MsMarvel · 09/10/2017 23:34

Tbh dp didnt enter any conversation about it and just told them to get out.

I get that she may have been embarrassed by being called out on it (the place was busy and I think dp may have just shouted over) but its nothing to do with slut shaming. I'm glad other people agree

OP posts:
Flyinggeese · 09/10/2017 23:37

Nope, she is using the term incorrectly. Your DP did nothing wrong at all and I bet plenty of people were grateful to him!

7Roses · 09/10/2017 23:50

YANBU. It’s such a ridiculously overused (and misused) term nowadays, along with ‘victim blaming’.

Dustbunny1900 · 09/10/2017 23:58

Unless he singled her out specifically , no. If it went down as you've described I don't think that qualifies

limitedperiodonly · 10/10/2017 00:10

This reply has been deleted

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Beeziekn33ze · 10/10/2017 00:12

She may have told a friend who 'helpfully' told her your DP was a 'misogynistic slut-shamer'. So she came back armed for battle with a couple of new words!

limitedperiodonly · 10/10/2017 00:17

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EverythingRightNow · 10/10/2017 00:23

You could suggest he dealt with the matter a little more privately, approaching the couple and suggesting their behaviour was somewhat inappropriate, if they had an issue speak with management.

Shouting may have caused embarrassment. You know what social medias like, maybe word got around that they were near on fornicating in public.

NikiBabe · 10/10/2017 00:33

If the place was that busy and he had to shout over couldnt he just ignore it ffs.

What difference did it make to his life? PDAs dont bother me at all.

leamington1999 · 10/10/2017 00:41

I can see why she’s embarrassed, so she wanted to ‘confront’ him and have the final word. I wouldn’t dwell on it, she’s speaking out of anger and trying to push the blame onto him. It’s embarrassing being kicked out of a bar, but more so for excessive pda. She probably remembers a ‘more toned down pda & but more hostile staff’ version as she was drunk?

RedRiverSound · 10/10/2017 00:48

It's not slut shaming, but I can see it might be slit shaming Shock

Sleephead1 · 10/10/2017 06:28

Idont see why he would shout over to them that wasnt very nice if he wanted to speak to them he could have gone over and spoke to them. It doesnt bother me seeing pdas and ive seen lots of people do it in bars/ clubs ect. I dont think he handled it well if he really just shouted that across the bar. My understanding of slut shaming is if people are trying to shame you for having sex, posting certain photos, what you wear and being being open about enjoying/ wanting sex. So i can see why the women maybe felt he tried to shame her but obviously he said the same to the male she was with. If it was my dp i would say he should have had a private word rather than shouting at them across the bar. That will never really go down that well.

Sayyouwill · 10/10/2017 06:31

No, slut shaming would have been if he targeted her but ignored or praised him therefore highlighting her 'heightened' sexuality as unusual behaviour but not his

speakout · 10/10/2017 06:38

Do told them to cut it out, and that it wasnt appropriate in the pub.*

Tbh dp didnt enter any conversation about it and just told them to get out.

Which was it?

Did he call out across a crowded bar?

It's important to find out what he said.

sandgrown · 10/10/2017 06:38

It would have been more professional to go across and have a quiet word with the couple. No need to throw them out if they calm it down. Sometimes other customers complain.
Many years ago I was in a posh local pub with new BF. We only had eyes for each other. Lots of little kisses (not full on snogging) but we were told off by the landlord. I was mortifiedBlush

AuntieStella · 10/10/2017 06:43

It's not slut shaming, becUse what he was doing was asking people to leave following behaviour which is not allowed on the premises.

However, if he just yelled it (and if they weren't given the normal chance to remain if they cut it out) then I think he was in the wrong as well.

MaisyPops · 10/10/2017 06:44

Not slut shaming. It's one of those phrases that some women cling to incorrectly when they don't like a discussion. Victim blaming and gaslighting are also similarly clung to by some in situations where 'we disagree but I want the last word'.

They were all over each other. Nobody wants to enjoy a drink in a pub seeing that. If they wanted to sit snuggling and coodling then thry could have stayed at home.

DressedCrab · 10/10/2017 06:50

Not slut shaming just considerate of other customers.

malificent7 · 10/10/2017 06:51

I think canoodling is ok in a bar. Full on groping is not great though.

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