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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this isn't 'slut shaming'?

49 replies

MsMarvel · 09/10/2017 22:55

I personally dislike that phrase so apologise to anyone else that doesnt like it, but my dp was accused of slut shaming and I'm curious as to what other people think of the situation.

Dp works in a bar. At the weekend there was a couple in who were all over each Other, lots of thigh rubbing, ear nibbling, pawing at each other sort of stuff.

Do told them to cut it out, and that it wasnt appropriate in the pub. They arent happy, drink up and leave.

They come back in the following night and woman accuses dp of being misogynistic, and that he had slut shamed her the previous night.

Surely this has nothing to do with slut shaming or anything like that, theres acceptable behaviour in public places and this wasn't it?? Dp seems a bit bothered by the accusation.

OP posts:

PrincessPlod · 10/10/2017 06:53

She got called on her behaviour and feels embarrassed your DH didn’t slut shame her.

OnionKnight · 10/10/2017 06:56

*Which was it?

Did he call out across a crowded bar?

It's important to find out what he said.*

Why is it important to you, a stranger?

It's pretty obvious he shouted at them the first night and told her to get out when she accused him of slut shaming the second night.

speakout · 10/10/2017 06:56

Shouting across a bar at them is shaming.

Not "slut shaming", but an action intended to embarrass and humiliate.

Very unprofessional.

Sounds a rough bar.

bbcessex · 10/10/2017 06:58

Did she actually use the phrase 'slut shaming' to your DP the following night?

As in 'how dare you slut-shame me?'

Because that would indeed be a strange way to speak!

IWouldLikeToKnow · 10/10/2017 07:02

I don’t think she understands the term

ForgivenessIsDivine · 10/10/2017 07:03

It depends in what he said, how he said it and whether he sddressed both parties.

OnionKnight · 10/10/2017 07:03

*Shouting across a bar at them is shaming.

Not "slut shaming", but an action intended to embarrass and humiliate.

Very unprofessional.

Sounds a rough bar.*

You've lived a very sheltered life if you think that a staff member shouting at a couple who are basically dry humping each other means that the bar/pub is rough.

WomblingThree · 10/10/2017 07:11

@speakout would you expect the bar-person to stop what they are doing and go over for a cosy little chat? The couple in question were publicly slobbering on each other, so the bar-person publicly told them to knock it off. I don’t see the big deal.

PDA couple’s right to slobber didn’t trump everyone else’s right not to have to see it. Bar-person isn’t subservient to PDA couple, and doesn’t have to tread carefully to avoid offending their delicate sensibilities, when they were obviously offending him and everyone else in the pub.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 10/10/2017 09:15

Place was busy and with only two members of staff on he didn't really have time to go over amd have a cosy chat.

It was her tongue in his ear, hence why she was probably more embarrassed than he was.

OP posts:

TathitiPete · 10/10/2017 09:16

I am too on the side of 'every other customer in the bar' vs 'slobbery PDA couple'.

Your DP was right IMO.

foodtime · 10/10/2017 09:31

He sounds extremely unprofessional. As someone who owns a number of businesses, a bar being one of them. i would fire him without a second thought. He clearly lacks customer service skills and common sense.
There are ways to deal with situations. Shouting across a busy bar and embarrassing people isn't one.
It completely depends on what he said to know if it was slut shaming or not. Did he only call her out? Without knowing what he said how can anyone have an opinion.
I don't enjoy watching PDAs but not enough for someone to try and embarrass someone about it.

existentialmoment · 10/10/2017 09:33

Shouting may have caused embarrassment. You know what social medias like, maybe word got around that they were near on fornicating in public

It's not the barman telling them to stop that should cause the embarrassment, it's the fornicating in public. It's not his fault he had to tell them to stop!

LadyinCement · 10/10/2017 09:37

Bring back the signs they used to have in public swimming pools: "NO PETTING".

CoughLaughFart · 10/10/2017 09:39

The phrase 'Don't wash your dirty linen in public if you don't want any comments on the stains' springs to mind.

MarthaArthur · 10/10/2017 09:45

sounds extremely unprofessional. As someone who owns a number of businesses, a bar being one of them. i would fire him without a second thought. He clearly lacks customer service skills and common sense.
There are ways to deal with situations. Shouting across a busy bar and embarrassing people isn't one.
It completely depends on what he said to know if it was slut shaming or not. Did he only call her out? Without knowing what he said how can anyone have an opinion.
I don't enjoy watching PDAs but not enough for someone to try and embarrass someone about it.

Sorry i totally disagree. 5 years ago i was a bartender in a south london club. Believe me some of the sights were hideous and we as bartenders did have to shout over at people. We couldnt always leave the bar and deal with complaints so yelling over at people was our option also extreme pdas where your not certain how far they are going to go is disgusting. They deserve to feel embarrassed by acting like that. They could have called it a night much earlier and gone home.

Laiste · 10/10/2017 09:50

If we're going to examine the behavior and language of the situation: shouting across the bar is not the way to deal with it. He was the one at his place of work, his behavior is relevant and should stand up to scrutiny.

What did he actually shout OP? Do you know? You're prepared to pick apart the specific phrases this woman has used when they came in to discuss it but are happy to give a only a vague description of DHs part at the time.

If he referenced her behavior specifically ie ''get your tongue out of his ear'' or similar then he did shame her specifically.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 10/10/2017 10:00

What was his actual language? On the face of it no it's not slut shaming but how he worded it might change that.

ArcheryAnnie · 10/10/2017 10:08

Not slut-shaming at all.

I know this couple weren't having sex, just getting hot and heavy, but there's a line where ordinary PDA (a kiss or two, handholding) turns into stuff that should be done in private. I really hate it when people perform sexualised acts in front of other people who haven't consented to be involved in their sex life like that as voyeurs. I used to work in a club, and a couple shagged right in front of the bar (standing up), and there was a lot more that went very close. If you want witnesses, then arrange it with other consenting adults, not just do it anyway. If you don't want witnesses, get a room.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/10/2017 10:12

If he did it nastily, or particularly aimed at her maybe.
It's normal for barstaff to shout stuff to customers, pubs are noisy places.
Many years ago I was in a bar (a gay bar, but not really relevant) and a couple were "heavy petting" near the bar. One of the bar staff picked up a soda fountain and sprayed them with it, to hilarity all round .
I suppose foodtime would have sacked them on the spot .

Nifflerbowtruckle · 10/10/2017 10:34

My husband worked in a bar years ago which had a couple of settees in it. One night a couple started having sex on one of the settees in front of everyone. Heavy petting may well have led to more and telling them to stop is fine.

PinkHeart5914 · 10/10/2017 10:38

Not it’s not slut shaming. It’s a bar man telling both members of the couple to cut it out becuase the rest of the bar don’t want to watch ffs

Seriously why can’t people just get a room rather than eat each other in public? Then they couldn’t be “shamed” for anything

Goshthatwentwell · 10/10/2017 16:51

Noisy crowded bars are exactly the sort of place where the people serving would shout over to you. The same way people shout their orders to the bar person.
Obviously it would be rude to shout at a cashier in a supermarket or a bank clerk.

If you are happy for strangers to watch you use your tongue on your boyfriend you shouldn't complain if someone loudly points it out?

Sayyouwill · 10/10/2017 19:45

I had a guest finger a 'lady' once in my bar.
I was stuck on the bar which was 3 deep and only 2 staff members on. They were doing this up against the bar. I tried politely getting their attention but ended up telling him to get his fingers out and both of them to leave.

You can't always have a nice little chat when working in a busy bar. You've got every other punter to consider and let's be fair, you don't want the guy who was knuckle deep a moment before handing over money do you?

Sorry to be crude...

specialsubject · 10/10/2017 19:56

This is a case of ' always someone else's fault'

Behave like a normal adult and you won't get called out for it. The get a room twosome need to grow up.

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