To ask brother and sister-in-law to stay away from DDs party?

[FancyBeans]

Okay, so my problem is thus: My sister-in-law (brother's wife) has been nothing but trouble since she joined the family. Cannot control her unruly children (not my brother's) and smokes around my children whenever she comes over, despite multiple polite requests not to (oldest DS has asthma and youngest DS is 2 months). It's DD twins' 4th birthday party next week and my mother has mentioned it to brother and his wife. I don't want them to attend as the children cannot behave and are always picking on my children whenever they come over. I haven't physically invited anyone from the family except mum, dad and DH's parents and I don't see why they think they have a right to come to the party. They can feel free to come and visit the twins if they wish to but not during the party.

I would be having stern words with your mother about not telling other people (your brother) things that don't concern her. It is entirely up to you to tell, or not tell, your brother about plans that involve you. Your mother needs to learn to keep her mouth shut and respect other people's boundaries.

In fact it sounds as though you need to be really assertive with your entire family; brother, SIL, and mother. None of them seem to respect your wishes at all. Terrible, I'd not be wanting to have anything much to do with any of them until they start behaving better towards you. And the smoking inside your home when you've asked her not to; so, so disrespectful. It sounds as though you'll have to really be firm on that one. Perhaps your DH needs to step up and insist on no smoking inside the house, maybe they'll listen to him?

The total disregard for your feelings is what I would be the most angry about. With the party, I agree with other suggestions that you have it away from your house; an outdoor venue such as a park sounds ideal. Or even at one of those indoor play places, I'm sure smoking wouldn't be permitted there.

It's quite awkward that your nephew attends the same daycare as your son; you probably should invite him I guess. Hopefully the kids will be eventually at different schools and you can have some distance from your brother and his family in the future.

OP, I'm so enraged on your behalf after reading your post. Good luck!

Your DD's not son!

Does she light up inside your house after you ask her specifically not to? That's very very rude and do you say anything when she does it? I get the sense that you're nervous of her, remember it's her behaviour that is the reason she's not invited.

Can you talk to your brother and suggest meeting up for a quick bite to eat at a family friendly restaurant later on in the day?

They get to feel included, and smoking isn't an issue because it isn't allowed in restaurants.

"I'm sorry, I just can't have you smoking around my children and your kids running riot. That just doesn't work for me. Let's meet another time in the park."

As I posted earlier I would assume anyone smoking in my non smoking house was on fire.

I would spray her with water

This goes deeper than smoking and rowdy children.

Do you view the in laws with children as a Wayne & Waynetta type, with candle sticks running out of their noses, clothes that are hand me Downs and child who get little discipline bar the odd expletive, but Mum thinks they're all little treasures.

Just be straight with your Mum you don't want them there, you'll do something separate as a family.

Mum is likely aware of the way her DS is thought of and wants integration. You don't want that so you've got two choices really.

It's a shame as it's not the children's fault.

Definitely re-arrange the party and have it away from your house.

every time I have asked her not to smoke in front of my children she ignores my orders anyway
If it's indoors, have a mug half filled with water ready in every room she's likely to be in. When she lights up, grab the lit cig out of her mouth or her hand and drop it into the mug of water, whilst repeating loudly, "I've asked you nicely several times, now I'm showing you, this is a non-smoking house" and give her a Paddington Stare for good measure.

Awkward because they’ll probably show up anyway.

Can you talk to your brother and share your concerns? I would say ‘she’s aware that my house is a non smoking environment and ignores me each time, having a direct negative impact on my son. My son has asthma and so may some of the party guests. As I have responsibility for this party, she cannot be trusted to not smoke around the kids and I’d rather not deal with this situation on such a stressful day. The kids can meet up during the week.’

I would cancel the family coming completely and say there’s has been a change of plan. So tell everyone you are now organising two seperate parties. One that’s for family and one that’s for non family. The family one that you need to attend is on x date at x time.

be Honest with mil. Tell her you weren’t going to invite sil because of your child’s health and the smoking. And if sil is attending without an invite, mil is totally responsible for ensuring sil doesn’t smoke. Even if it means taking her fags.

Does she actually smoke in the house?

OP you've got the smoking issue until she dies, so tackle it now.

My Mum enjoyed smoking and never wanted to stop, but even she would go outside, in her 80's. My DD is the same but doesn't smoke around her Neices.

I'd just message your brother and say if you'd like to drop off [his child] that would be lovely - we're keeping it small and grandparents will look after. Your mum has caused the issue, so she can help to deal with it by looking after her grandchild.

Then child isn't penalised, but you don't have to have fag ash lil. If he pushes it, just say, we can't have SIL in the house because of the smoking issue. Your house, your rules.