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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask brother and sister-in-law to stay away from DDs party?

64 replies

FancyBeans · 09/10/2017 21:05

Okay, so my problem is thus: My sister-in-law (brother's wife) has been nothing but trouble since she joined the family. Cannot control her unruly children (not my brother's) and smokes around my children whenever she comes over, despite multiple polite requests not to (oldest DS has asthma and youngest DS is 2 months). It's DD twins' 4th birthday party next week and my mother has mentioned it to brother and his wife. I don't want them to attend as the children cannot behave and are always picking on my children whenever they come over. I haven't physically invited anyone from the family except mum, dad and DH's parents and I don't see why they think they have a right to come to the party. They can feel free to come and visit the twins if they wish to but not during the party.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2017 21:41

Just be honest. Your mum told her about the party but you don't want any confusion as that would be unfair to her kids. You have not invited them (and tell your mum not to invite them again).

Just say you've asked her not to smoke in your home, especially in front of your children, including your asthmatic child - and she has done it anyway. Plus her children pick on your kids so sadly you cannot invite them to the party.

She will be upset and angry but hopefully will stay away.

Next time you see her, elsewhere just be nice and normal. If she wants a row, don't give it to her. Your kids come first, especially their health and well being.

MikeUniformMike · 09/10/2017 21:46

No smoking in your house or garden. Nothing wrong with that.

BMW6 · 09/10/2017 21:49

I too would just be honest - you (DB) and your wife and children are not invited because your kids are horrible to mine and your wife persists in smoking in our house when I have told her not to!

BackforGood · 09/10/2017 21:55

I can't get my head round the fact that you and your dh have allowed her to carry on smoking Confused.
Surely you specifically say "No, you can't smoke in our house". If she is so rude as to still try to light up, I would physically remove it from her mouth.
Why would you just let her carry on ? Hmm

However, if she asks, then there is your clear reason - "You aren't invited because you can't respect that our home is smoke free". If she just turns up you have to say "The party is only for those who are invited" (I would get your Mother to tell her to, as it is your mother that has spoken to her about it first - she can just say she hadn't realised it wasn't a whole family party, just Grandparents and a couple of friends of yours).

MammaTJ · 09/10/2017 21:55

Why are you such a walkover?

My DP smoke, my children are his children, neither of them has asthma, yet he is not allowed to smoke in the house. My decision. It inconveniences him, he would much rather sit on his arse watching TV while smoking, but if he wants to smoke he must do it away from our air!

He is the one paying the rent too. Not even the case with your SIL!

isitme88 · 09/10/2017 21:56

She smokes in the house?!

CoolCarrie · 09/10/2017 21:58

I had this shit with my neighbour smoking in my flat, with my DS there , so I took the cig out of her mouth, dumped it in the sink and pushed her out the door, and took her not to come back until she agreed not to smoke in my place, she never did it again.

CoolCarrie · 09/10/2017 22:00

Stand your ground OP, with all of this.

Butterymuffin · 09/10/2017 22:03

No one smokes in my house. Anyone who tried it would be told to leave immediately. I suggest you do the same. Or better still, don't let her in to even chance it.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/10/2017 22:03

Put a sign on the front door "Smoke Free Zone" or something similar on a sticker.
If they show up, and she decides to light up, you say "Hey, SIL, This is a smoke free zone. I've asked you not to smoke in our house before and now I'm telling you to put that cigarette out or you'll have to leave".
If her kids are unruly, take it up with your DB by saying "Hey DB, can you stop X and Y from doing that whatever it is that they are doing to be unruly or I'll have to give them a timeout and that's not what I want to do". If they keep doing it say "DB, you need to stop X and Y from being unruly or we'll have to cut the birthday party short as this sort of behaviour isn't allowed in our house".
I would only address SIL directly if I needed to as it's your DB that needs to step up in this situation and he isn't.

llangennith · 09/10/2017 22:04

I haven't RTFT so may be repeating someone but you need to stand firm now while your DC are young because otherwise you'll have years of being stressed and making excuses not to have her over.
Tell your DM and DB straight how you feel about his wife's smoking and her unruly children and be prepared for the fall-out. Your DC's welfare comes first.

zzzzz · 09/10/2017 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitteryFluff · 09/10/2017 22:05

Yes why have you allowed her to carry on smoking? You tell her to stop smoking or leave. You need to speak up for your children.

zzzzz · 09/10/2017 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fishface77 · 09/10/2017 22:13

Tell her to FUCK OF and tell your DM that if they come she can leave with them.

Fishface77 · 09/10/2017 22:14

But seriously you and DH let her carry on smoking around your kids? Wet lettuces.

KungFuEric · 09/10/2017 22:16

This woman smokes in your home? And you let her?!

EverythingRightNow · 09/10/2017 22:19

As a smoker I would never light up in someone else's house, that's just weird!

RhiannonOHara · 09/10/2017 22:33

Toughen up, OP. Tell her your house is non-smoking. If she persists, escort her off the premises and make sure she understands why.

FenceSitter01 · 09/10/2017 22:36

Why would she need to ask DH's opinion on whether her brother comes to a party?

I realise this is mad of me, utterly bonkers to assume that the childs father might actually have some say in whether his own brother, the childs uncle, attends a birthday party in his house. I'm so foolish!

FenceSitter01 · 09/10/2017 22:37

ok ok - I misread the OP!

stopbeingadramallama · 09/10/2017 22:44

Just be honest and tell them both how you feel. If you don't say anything, nothing will ever change.

BringMeTea · 09/10/2017 22:56

Pretty sure she is not smoking IN the house. I think OP doesn't like any 'visible' smoking outside.

BrieAndChilli · 09/10/2017 23:05

I can't believe that anyone would smoke in someone else's house if that house is a non smoking household??
Surely the first time you would have asked them to stop and then if they didnt pour water on them?? Well that's what I would have done. !!!

EverythingRightNow · 09/10/2017 23:07

Why is smoking away from everyone a problem?

I've had this on holiday where I was smoking in a permitted area, someone complained & I was asked to move.