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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends child is a liar- Aibu to stand my ground?

58 replies

MyHeartIsInHavana · 09/10/2017 19:50

I have a good friend who has children the same age as mine, all at same schools.
Eldest daughters also so many of the same clubs at school as one another- this means we share pick ups ie one of us collects kids from school and the other collects eldest children after club if one of us is stuck. Mostly evenly spread and abs this is appreciated by the both of us.

The issue is my friends eldest- she is increasingly telling lies, and lately these had included lies about me.
It started with lying that I hadn't brought her a snack and drink after school (strawberries and cartons of apple juice) and had only brought enough for my daughter. Complained to her mum that she was 'starving' and upset because my daughter had a snack and hadn't offered her anything. In truth I took two matching Tupperware tubs of strawberries and her daughter ate them all while my daughter only had a couple. If she was that hungry she could have eaten the rest of my daughters that I offered her.
I explained this but my friend just laughed it off saying maybe her daughter forgot.
Then it escalated to a party invite. Daughter was invited to my daughters party. We sent invites out in book bags at school and I text the parents- including my friend. Her daughter then said to my friend that I had asked for the invite back apparently because too many children had accepted and there wasn't enough space- not true, it was a disco in a hall. My friend confronted me about it and I said it wasn't true as a) it didn't make sense and b) I had text her as well as sending out paper invitations.
Today it's happened again- another lie- and my friend instantly believes I have done something unkind.

At the same time friend has been called into school several times as her daughter has stolen a class mates show and tell and previously lied about a teacher (small lie, nothing huge, but still called out on her dishonesty).

How can she not see the pattern?!
I don't want my daughter around his behaviour, and I'm worried how far this behaviour is going to go!

We have known each other years.
Aibu to confront friend with her daughters lies and risk losing our friendship?

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 09/10/2017 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mama234 · 09/10/2017 19:52

You will probably end up loosing the friendship anyway with the daughter lieing so much about you, You are better off talking to her about it.

gamerchick · 09/10/2017 19:54

Yep but do it in a concern type of way and if she wants to kick off then it’s up to her.

However as soon as her kid realises the power she has it’ll probably escalate.

superram · 09/10/2017 19:55

I wouldn’t put myself in the vulnerable position of looking after the daughter. If she lies about such silly things it could escalate-you hit her,etc. You have to say the lying stops or you can’t help out.

GinUser · 09/10/2017 19:59

I would actually confront the child and ask her why she is telling lies.
Ask her what she thinks she is gaining.
Ask her if she would prefer not to spend time with you and your daughter, her "friend".
Tell her, frankly, that you do not like having to hear her "stories". If she can stop, all will be well, if she persists, she will no longer be welcome.
She will, of course, tell her mother, or she may not.
You need to show her what behaviour is acceptable to you and the courtesy you expect.

gamerchick · 09/10/2017 19:59

Good point. At no time do you want to be left alone with her without her mother present.

pallisers · 09/10/2017 20:04

I'd either raise it in a concerned way "I wonder if there is anything going on with X as she said that about the invitation"

or just limit contact.

The mother should be looking at this though - the child is obviously looking for something with those lies.

Oblomov17 · 09/10/2017 20:09

Mum is deluded about her PFB. This won’t end well.

amornin · 09/10/2017 20:09

I agree you should speak to your friend, particularly as to how it relates to you looking after her. I'd be very concerned about/refuse to look after her daughter without another adult present. Particularly as your friend shows no discernment in what she believes. I wouldn't let myself be in a situation where the daughter could say something very damaging without being able to prove she is lying. Especially as the ridiculousness of the lies seems to be increasing, and she's still being believed.

MikeUniformMike · 09/10/2017 20:23

How old is the liar?

Foxglovesandsweetpeas · 09/10/2017 20:24

Had a similar situation once - the mother wouldn't accept her daughter was lying. Ended up cutting all ties with them. I really feel for you.

GhoulsFold · 09/10/2017 20:28

Yes you should speak to her. I'd rather lose one friendship in this way than it potentially ending as a result of being the subject of another lie... a lie that could have your reputation in tatters.

I know of someone who worked at a school. This girl was known for telling lies. But my friend was the subject of the worst lies. The girl started saying my friend had shouted at her and left her out of a game. The next time the little girl claimed my friend grabbed her arm and dragged her around. These lies progressed into the far more sinister and she was accused of sexual assault.

Each time this girl lied the parent complained, my friend would be suspended for several days/weeks/months pending investigation and she'd eventually be cleared as other staff could corroborate my friend had never done any such things.

But, as you'd expect, the police were called in for The sexual assault claim, and my friend was absolutely devastated. She became severely depressed and afraid to leave the house. Even though she was immediately cleared after one interview under caution the effect of the accusation was so traumatic for her she had a breakdown and couldn't return to the job she had loved for over 20 yrs. It destroyed her.

It was discovered the child was actually being abused at home, and the child was being told to blame my friend.

I'm not saying your friend is abusing her DD, but could something be going on at home? Either way, it's not for you to have to suffer the brunt of it.

RubyWinterstorm · 09/10/2017 20:28

be very careful!

I'd stop the lift shares, and say I feel uncomfortable taking her daughter as she comes up with these unwarranted lies, and you are worried what she'll make up next.

ParanoidBeryl · 09/10/2017 20:31

Yep, I would take a step back and tell the mother why.

'X is lying about so many silly things, but it makes me wonder what she's going to come up with next. It's not really working and I think we should do our own pick ups from now on.'

BlondeB83 · 09/10/2017 20:31

You are allowing yourself to be massively vulnerable if you continue to have this girl in your care. Try to minimise contact.

BewareOfDragons · 09/10/2017 20:32

"I'm really sorry, but I can no longer look after your DD. She keeps making things up about me and others, and rather than acknowledge that she is having issues with the truth your gut reaction is to assume that i am lying. This doesn't work for me."

Or something to that effect.

This is a girl that lied about a teacher! This is serious. You don't want to be in the position where she can ramp up the stakes to something more serious than 'I didn't get a snack.'

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 09/10/2017 20:33

Completely disengage from this family. Your friend doesn't see it and you are very vulnerable.

ShoesHaveSouls · 09/10/2017 20:34

Yep - what Beryl and everyone else said.

It's sad, but sometimes these things happen. You may find that you can pick up the friendship again at a later date - but it depends on her. She may just not accept that her dd is telling these lies, sadly.

Iris65 · 09/10/2017 20:34

I would not confront the child.
I would speak to your friend and say that you are not sure about carrying on with the pick ups because of her duaghter's behaviour. I would also never be alone with her and make sure that anything you say or do has witnesses. If she is telling lies she could tell a far more serious lie about you abusing her.

FenceSitter01 · 09/10/2017 20:35

Why have you not raised this with mother and child and asked her to explain herself?

RippleEffects · 09/10/2017 20:35

I had this situation with a relatives child, same/ similar age as one of my own and attending similar activities. I'd looked after them a lot for some years. Mum was very busy and they'd do anything for her attention - nasty lies worked well. Sometimes it was stuff about my DC then about me, then the dog biting them etc etc.

They escalated to the point I had no authority with the child and refused to be in sole charge for this reason.

Cagliostro · 09/10/2017 20:36

Sadly IME nothing will make a difference. At all.

We were lucky that our situation - getting more serious by the week, involving bullying too, and if I'm honest it really made me fear for the future if they grew into teens together - was not a school friendship. So we were able to walk away and I am so relieved.

I agree don't ever look after this child again TBH.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/10/2017 20:37

If your friend was open to hearing negatives about her DD, she'd have realised the pattern herself.

I agree you should avoid being alone with her DD, and possibly step back from the whole relationship. If you can see your friend without the children around would be better.

paxillin · 09/10/2017 20:37

I would certainly not have "unsupervised" contact with a lying child. What if she made up something dreadful about you? Her mum believes her. For many, this could mean the end of their career and for most it could mean the end of their family.

Drop her urgently and tell her mum why. Make sure neither you nor your child is ever alone with this child. She needs help, but not from you and it can't be obtained until her parents are on board.

BakedBeans47 · 09/10/2017 20:39

Not BU, but if school are also telling her about the lies and she’s disbelieving them too not sure how it’s going to go :/

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