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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends child is a liar- Aibu to stand my ground?

58 replies

MyHeartIsInHavana · 09/10/2017 19:50

I have a good friend who has children the same age as mine, all at same schools.
Eldest daughters also so many of the same clubs at school as one another- this means we share pick ups ie one of us collects kids from school and the other collects eldest children after club if one of us is stuck. Mostly evenly spread and abs this is appreciated by the both of us.

The issue is my friends eldest- she is increasingly telling lies, and lately these had included lies about me.
It started with lying that I hadn't brought her a snack and drink after school (strawberries and cartons of apple juice) and had only brought enough for my daughter. Complained to her mum that she was 'starving' and upset because my daughter had a snack and hadn't offered her anything. In truth I took two matching Tupperware tubs of strawberries and her daughter ate them all while my daughter only had a couple. If she was that hungry she could have eaten the rest of my daughters that I offered her.
I explained this but my friend just laughed it off saying maybe her daughter forgot.
Then it escalated to a party invite. Daughter was invited to my daughters party. We sent invites out in book bags at school and I text the parents- including my friend. Her daughter then said to my friend that I had asked for the invite back apparently because too many children had accepted and there wasn't enough space- not true, it was a disco in a hall. My friend confronted me about it and I said it wasn't true as a) it didn't make sense and b) I had text her as well as sending out paper invitations.
Today it's happened again- another lie- and my friend instantly believes I have done something unkind.

At the same time friend has been called into school several times as her daughter has stolen a class mates show and tell and previously lied about a teacher (small lie, nothing huge, but still called out on her dishonesty).

How can she not see the pattern?!
I don't want my daughter around his behaviour, and I'm worried how far this behaviour is going to go!

We have known each other years.
Aibu to confront friend with her daughters lies and risk losing our friendship?

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 09/10/2017 20:40

I'd say there is a fighting chance that something is very wrong at home to trigger this behaviour. 99% likely.

I was a little liar for a while, I was 9 and my grandmother who lived with us was dying. My mum was losing the plot and had a raging untreated MH issue. I would make up porkies exactly of the type the OPs DD friend is. I am now 36 and still feel horrified about the shit I span to this day. My mum got wise eventually and I got hell for it. I was so sorry for what I'd done and never pulled anything like it again. Urgh, I still shudder when I think of it, the shame still burns.

Example two is my friend who had to bail out her little sister who was doing similar around the time her parents' marriage was going down the pan. She was basically about to be suspended from school for petty stealing and stupid lies.

One thing I will say is this: never again be left in a position where you're in responsible unsupervised charge of this kid. You have no idea what she might come out with next and you do not want any suggestions of impropriety flying your way.

You have to be strong here even though the chances are this is just a poor mixed up kid lashing out and not realising the impact of her (cruel and selfish) actions.

Willswife · 09/10/2017 20:41

I would speak to your friend. Ask her if her daughter has problem with you as she keeps telling lies about you. If you do it as though you are concerned about what the daughter is feeling you may be able to preserve the friendship (if indeed you want to).

In all honesty it sounds as though she may be in denial about her daughter's behaviour. Maybe it needs to be challenged for her to take it seriously.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 09/10/2017 20:42

If it's a recent thing, I'd be wondering what has happened in that girl's life that she's started lying. I'd definitely take a step back.

SparklingBollards · 09/10/2017 20:43

We do not leave ourselves alone with one branch of the family due to this. It got very very nasty with those accused. Poor children weren't to blame, there were unaddressed issues in their lives, but we could not take the risk.

SparklingBollards · 09/10/2017 20:45

Urgh, I still shudder when I think of it, the shame still burns.

You poor thing, TheLegend, you shouldn't feel shame. As with my post above, we don't blame the children for what they do when under the pressure and stress adults would struggle to cope with.

Flowers
MehMehAndMeh · 09/10/2017 20:48

You must distance yourself from your friend.
She is choosing to believe her daughter even when you have sent her information clearly stating something else before her child tells the lie.
She has direct evidence to the contrary and still decides to believe her childs version over what even her own common sense and text evidence is telling her.
The school have had to call her in and this is an escalating and ongoing problem as her attitude with you suggests she is not believing the schools version of events either and still chooses to believe her child.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 20:49

The girl is unhappy about something that's for sure

And it's manifesting itself in lies

Go easy but as a PP put it better / say that you feel a bit vulnerable as you dont especially like being a accused by a child , and you don't want to damage your friendship but at the same time you are also a parent and you can't be Ina situation like this as it makes you uncomfortable and nervous

It's going to cause ructions but it might spur her to look into why her DD is so unhappy

It's sad

WhoWants2Know · 09/10/2017 20:50

As the previous posters have said, don't leave yourself in a vulnerable position with a child who tells lies.

Maybe lift sharing and going to parties with your daughter just isn't working out for this child and she wants to avoid it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 20:52

I thought that too whowants

another20 · 09/10/2017 20:55

You need to extricate and distance yourself very quickly and diplomatically from this situation.

I encouraged my daughter to be nice and kind to a neighbours daughter who was very difficult and had emotional issues. They were in the same class, not friends but it suited that they walked home together. My daughter was set up time and time again by this other child's lies and became very distressed. Other parents intervened on several occassions and called me to tell me what was happening. I spoke with the neighbour to say diplomatically that they just needed some space and we should just do our own pick-ups. I was very careful to say that neither of us adults were there so not interested in apportioning blame etc. Next thing that happens is that the mother sends this hideous nasty text directly to my 10 year old little girl. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I reported it to the school and she was cautioned.

Cagliostro · 09/10/2017 21:00

I'm shocked how quickly the replies are building up with similar stories! I felt like we were the only ones this situation happened to. We felt so alone with it. Thankfully we have lots of friends who understand, while this other child is getting lonely as more and more people cotton on to how they (and their mother) really are.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, indeed. :(

PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 09/10/2017 21:01

We had a similar situation to another20 and I too would advise distancing yourself from the child and her mum.

When my DD was in year 6 a girl in her year who was well known for telling lies decided to constantly lie about my daughter and say that DD had said/done things that she simply hadn’t. School staff caught her out on her lies many many times, for example she told her mum that DD had pushed her in an art lesson and ruined the artwork she had done that day. DD hasn’t even been in school that day!

The mum believed the daughter and she and the Dad went into the school many times over the lies; I had been on friendly terms with the parents prior to this but they were both nasty to me and the mum sent me many nasty texts about it all. The Dad also pulled up alongside DD when he was in the car once and she was walking home and he opened the window and shouted at her to leave his DD alone.

As another20 has said, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree usually!

Claire3b · 09/10/2017 21:02

You need to talk to the parents and I would not be alone with this child. No one wants to hear that their child is naughty but those parents that turn a blind eye to it are not teaching their child what is or isn't acceptable behaviour. I appreciate that you have been friends for a long time so as a close friend I would expect her to have trust in what you say and at least talk to her child and you to get to the bottom of it. Hope it works out. Xx

UnicornSparkles1 · 09/10/2017 21:07

Agree with the others - distance yourself immediately and don't allow yourself to be put in the position of being unsupervised with her. The girl is a proven liar and that makes her dangerous.

DizzyDandelion · 09/10/2017 21:09

'Space' is what is needed.
Very tricky to achieve though without confrontation in your situation.
Good luck...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/10/2017 21:10

I perhaps should not say this about a child, but she sounds dangerous.
I'd be nipping the favours in the bud before she gets you into serious trouble.
A little Darling in my dds class accused dd of scratching her. When my dd wasn't even in school. The mother was all guns blazing. She soon dropped her amumition when she found out her little poppit had made it all up. Oh she was full of apologies then.

KERALA1 · 09/10/2017 21:18

Sometimes as parents for the greater good we have to upset other adults. Now is not the time to prioritise an easy quiet life or your friends feelings. Distance yourself firmly, assertively and unemotionally. The child is already telling lies about you personally and being believed I would not take the risk anymore and would never be alone with her again. No more lifts. Your lives are too enmeshed you need to pull back.

GabsAlot · 09/10/2017 21:24

how old are they?
sh sounds lonely or something is wrong at home

you cant fix this only the parents can jut say your not comfrotable looking aftr her dd anymore if she cant face the truth sadly her dd is going to lose alot of friends

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 21:33

I would actuallly use the angle that the lifts and shared time don't seem to be making her DD happy , and for that reason you want to opt out for a while forever

She can't dispute that can she and it's a pain free way to create space for everyone and less aggressive too

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/10/2017 21:37

Ah thank you @SparklingBollards x

Original poster
MyHeartIsInHavana · 09/10/2017 21:42

They're in y6.

She's very good at manipulating her parents (divorced when she was 1), my friend moans and gets exasperated by it, but when others bare the brunt of her child's lies, she is blind to it.

It's comforting in a way to hear that others have encountered similar issues- but also so worrying!

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 09/10/2017 21:44

My friends DS was like this, it escalated to him accusing our other friends dh of tripping him up , luckily I was there and confirmed to her that
1 Her son tripped up when running with his friend, other friends dh was nowhere near him.
2 This was not the first time he had lied .
She was pretty mortified but spoke to her ds and his lying eventually stopped.

Sayyouwill · 09/10/2017 21:51

I'd do something now before she tells bigger lies and tries to ruin your life

claraschu · 09/10/2017 21:59

It is natural to believe our children, and to trust that they are truthful. I think that if you talk sensitively to your friend there is a chance you can open her eyes without alienating her.

I think I would point out to her that lots of kids go through a phase of lying for one reason or other; maybe ask if her daughter is feeling uncomfortable around you, as she keeps saying that you have done things that are mean, and you are wondering if this is a sign that you her dd is anxious around you (maybe she only wants her own mum to pick her up for instance).

I would also say that you are feeling upset because you have tried to make friend's dd happy, and it is important to you to feel that your friend and her daughter trust you. Mention that you would never exclude friend's dd from a snack or a party, and that you are hurt that your friend would doubt this.

JonSnowsWife · 09/10/2017 22:01

Good point. At no time do you want to be left alone with her without her mother present

gamerchick sadly this doesn't work either. DS is autistic and can struggle socially so I always watch him like a hawk helicopter over him.

On a day out I watched friends child, like the child in the OP, do something to my DS, in front of me and then have the nerve to go back and tell the mum that DS was bothering them!

To say they were unimpressed they'd been caught red handed and I dared to call them out on it in front of their mum would be an understatement.

I'd like to think that parents should be able to get over these sort of bumps but I'm afraid this has got all too much for my DCs (there were many other incidents - one rather serious IMO but their DC thought it was hilarious! Hmm - it's also quite outing so I won't be elaborating) and it has meant I've cut right back with friend.

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