To feel left behind

[leftbehind]

I'm a highly qualified person in a professional, challenging, interesting (but often stressful) role. My performance feedback is always top notch. I work part-time 3 days a week with one from home. On the days I commute in I travel 90 minutes each way.

I have two young DC. One in primary and one toddler. Toddler is in nursery 3 days a week and DC1 goes to after school club. I have a wonderful supportive partner. Share housework and childcare 50/50 (he drops/picks up twice a week as well as doing lions share of childcare at weekends). He is in the same profession but more senior than me (qualified longer than me). We agreed I'd go part-time after having DC1. I realise I'm very lucky to have this balance in my life. I've been happy with it until this last few weeks and I'm trying to understand why. I feel quite confused.

Two younger female colleagues (both no children at the moment) have recently been promoted above me (but I didn't apply for these jobs and didn't seriously consider doing so). I've also had to fight quite hard for access to training opportunities which seem to be constantly scheduled on the days I don't work.

It's hard to explain but I feel like the rather dull dependable safe pair of matronly hands that will get on with the workaday tasks whilst the other more dynamic younger women bound ahead. Ten years ago I would have been the dynamic one. If I don't want more hours and the stress that promotion brings why do I feel so sad?

I'm probably not making much sense.

My immediate boss is fantastic. My age with young children but she had to up her hours when she was made senior and she is run ragged a lot of the time. On the one hand I don't want the added stress and pressure and the longer hours with less time for my children - but on the other I just feel a bit empty and, well, left behind.

Sorry for the essay.

I think I preferred your first message 😀

They are 6 and just 2 gimme. If I went full-time the 6 year old would be in breakfast and after scho club every day and the 2 year old in nursery everyday. I'm not sure that's what I want either. I know some people don't have an option but to do that but I'm lucky that I don't have to work full time - I'm trying to work out in my own mind if I want to or if I want a more senior role. Or whether I just think I do. Or whether I'm sad because I don't feel I can go for those roles and maintain a happy family balance at the same time.

People are right that it's all about choices and also that it's a marathon not a sprint. I was genuinely surprised by the visceral reaction I had yesterday. I've just signed up to a few job alerts with a view to tentatively seeing what's out there...but I still feel very conflicted. What if I go for it, get something more senior and then can't cope ?

l am much more inclined to agree with Stealth's second message.

I intend to go out being proud of having spent time with my children AND had an interesting and fulfilling career overall. There is lots of time in one's life to fit both in, though not necessary in equal measure at any point in time.

OP, your youngest is 2 - that is still very little. If you are conflicted, you are not emotionally ready which I would hardly blame you as your children are still very young. If it is not costing you anything (other than your pride at being overtaken), why not give yourself a few more years and re-visit.

Thanks blueshoes I am proud of what I've done so far in my career. I can't go into detail of the roles I've had because its outing but it's in the broad human rights/criminal justice type area. I just can't get rid of the nagging voice in my head telling me I can and should do more and be more. But perhaps that will come in another 5 years or so.

If it's really making you sad, you should come up with a realistic plan to deal with it.

I'm single mum but I work full time & am back running a department after a couple of truly horrible years working for someone with much less experience who wasn't very good at their job and felt threatened. The change came when I found a job 6 minutes from home

Get your CV up together, identify potential employers close to your home and work out how soon both DCs can go to afterschool club. Once you remove commuting time, everything becomes possible. And with better home working facilities, employers are gradually getting more flexible.

Just don't give up. There's always a way

Mil never had a carer until my dh was 16. She got qualifications and worked her way up from age 40 - she said she had best of both worlds, staying at home with her kids and then building her career.

I'm taking a back track working pt so keeping hand in then when my youngest is 15 (I will be 50) I'm hoping to go back ft and start climbing.

Your time will come again. Sometimes it's too hard to be great at everything and you end up being mediocre at everything. When your children are a little older you will fly.

Thank for all the lovely messages [unmumsnetty hugs to you all]

You can't have it both ways.

Either you're part time and contribute less, or you're full time and are first choice for promotion.

That's how it works.

hmmmm not sure that I would agree I contribute "less". I contribute proportionately.

Seriously though. I'm so conscious of being part-time that I work really hard when I'm there. No long lunches. Head down. 100% effort .

I think you a voicing the truths of a lot of professional working mums OP.

I have a constant underlying buzz of dissatisfaction with my career so what you are saying really chimes with me. I have a total disconnect with my head and my gut.

On paper my work / life balance is perfect. I have a job where you need a degree and experience and I'm given autonomy to a great extent. It is a short commute to a nice environment and gives me the flexibility to do about half of the school runs, drop offs at after school clubs etc and time for my own hobbies and social life. And yet...

I have totally plateaued and am quite bored. Do I want to be in the same job in 5 years time when the industry and all those without commitments have moved on? Yet my head says 'stay'.

I know this job is right for right-now in our family life but I think I would be incredibly frustrated if I didn't progress in the next few years.

I get a jealous pang when my DH gets another promotion which is a huge warning sign. If I really had peace about my current job, I would be nothing but delighted for him and his successes.

I wish I could be more like some of my colleagues who expressly want a job and not a career and are happy with their lot.

Thanks kitchen. I'm worried that by the time I've tread the water for the next 5 years the energy required to push onwards and upwards will have deserted me and I'll end up in a permanent state of ennui....

Leftbehind I got a promotion last week (well official recognition for what I already do).** It feels good

My children are a bit older than yours (at primary) so I feel that I’ve done my stint in the career doldrums and am on my way out the other side.* Hang in there. This stage doesn’t last forever.*

I have no idea why that’s all in bold above!

Reading your post made me feel (slightly) better as I am in EXACTLY the same position, with the same thoughts and sadness.

I was forced to go back 5 days after my first and had 2 years in a director position where I loved my job, was really proud of myself, but felt sick with guilt and barely saw my son.
So after DC2 (4 yrs ago), I insisted on going part time (4 days), was told I could no longer be a director, manage a team etc, so just get put on the projects no-one cares about. Then I had DC 3 (now 2), I said I wanted 3 days, since I had nothing left to lose on the career front.

This feels like the right balance life-wise (there is a big difference between 3 days and 4 days), but career-wise I am going no-where. I initially thought I would just be treading water but I am discovering the truth in the saying that 'if you're standing still you're going backwards', as other people are getting promoted over me and I literally feel I am getting buried alive. I feel sad and no longer proud of my achievements - and increasingly bitter, like an old matron at the side of the dancefloor watching the others (I actually resent the men, more than the younger women, as I know they will get into the same mess later. But the men who were my peers and are now my hierarchical superiors, thanks to the fact they could jump on a plane at a seconds notice and not be home before 9pm for days on end without a second thought, are the ones that I feel bitter about).

But at the same time, I don't want to leave what is a very well paid 3 days a week job, as I know I will NEVER get one like that again on the market, and I will have to go back to FT (and probably at a more junior level than I was 4 years ago when I stepped off the fast track)which I don't want. Because as it is, it's not like I feel I have too much time with the children.......

I just want to get that feeling of pride and achievement, and to an extent confidence back, but I don't know if I ever will.

I get this. I reduced my hours when my children were little. I saw those who had always been 'behind' me become my equals then overtake. But I had quality time with my children that there's no way I would have had if I had been promoted or doing more hours. After 7 years I went back ft and was lucky to land s promotion pretty quick and managed to get back up where I had wanted to be pretty quick . With the benefit of hindsight I wish so much that I hadn't been so hung up on work when I was part time. I'm regretting that I didn't make the most of my youngest two's previous early years and instead spent a fair amount of time thinking 'what if'. I think it really depends where your priorities in life are. I wish I'd realised that at that time my children where my prioritiy and not worrying about being overtaken by my colleagues. I'm doing well in my position but I now plan to go part time (in my promoted role) when my youngest two reach pre teens and may need more support.