To feel left behind

[leftbehind]

I'm a highly qualified person in a professional, challenging, interesting (but often stressful) role. My performance feedback is always top notch. I work part-time 3 days a week with one from home. On the days I commute in I travel 90 minutes each way.

I have two young DC. One in primary and one toddler. Toddler is in nursery 3 days a week and DC1 goes to after school club. I have a wonderful supportive partner. Share housework and childcare 50/50 (he drops/picks up twice a week as well as doing lions share of childcare at weekends). He is in the same profession but more senior than me (qualified longer than me). We agreed I'd go part-time after having DC1. I realise I'm very lucky to have this balance in my life. I've been happy with it until this last few weeks and I'm trying to understand why. I feel quite confused.

Two younger female colleagues (both no children at the moment) have recently been promoted above me (but I didn't apply for these jobs and didn't seriously consider doing so). I've also had to fight quite hard for access to training opportunities which seem to be constantly scheduled on the days I don't work.

It's hard to explain but I feel like the rather dull dependable safe pair of matronly hands that will get on with the workaday tasks whilst the other more dynamic younger women bound ahead. Ten years ago I would have been the dynamic one. If I don't want more hours and the stress that promotion brings why do I feel so sad?

I'm probably not making much sense.

My immediate boss is fantastic. My age with young children but she had to up her hours when she was made senior and she is run ragged a lot of the time. On the one hand I don't want the added stress and pressure and the longer hours with less time for my children - but on the other I just feel a bit empty and, well, left behind.

Sorry for the essay.

I can't apply for the job - not because I don't think I'd get it (I think I'd stand a decent chance and I also think I'd smash it if I had no-one else to think of and no responsibilities other than myself ) but because if I got it it would impact hugely on 3 other people. This is why I'm confused - I do want it but I don't want it arghhh!

I don't necessarily feel like I've been deliberately sidelined at work. I have some quite high profile and challenging work and I think I'm quite highly regarded. It's more that I feel out of touch - like my finger is not on the pulse. I come in at 8.30- head down - get the work done and I leave at 4.45. I don't have time or (I thought) the inclination to try and get in on the bigger contentious stuff because I'm only in 2 days a week and that's not much use on a fast moving contentious matter.

Are you maybe just feeling your age a little bit? Or is it maybe the exhaustion of being constantly responsible for two tiny lives? I know what you mean about feeling left behind. I Chose to have children very young. A lot of my friends from school (read people my age) have already finished their degrees or are in their final years and have gotten good jobs/are in training meanwhile I've only done one year. They're off having lots of relationships with different people, spending money and time of frivolous things like holidays and music concerts etc. Me on the other hand, every hour of everyday is filled by constant worry over children/actual childcare etc. And I do feel somewhat like I'm really far behind but then I remember that in ten to fifteen years time they will be exactly where I am at the moment, meanwhile my sons will be away most of the time boarding and I'll be able to peruse my career with very few familial duties.

You have to accept that when your children are young that they will slow you down for a few years. If you don't take it slow you miss out on raising them or end up exhausted like your boss. Stop comparing apples to oranges and give yourself a little grace and a little time.

Yes I probably am feeling my age!

The ambition thing is interesting. I've never really thought of myself as ambitious - certainly not in terms of earnings anyway. I've always wanted to work in the public sector and always have. But I also knew 6 months into my first mat leave that bring a mother wasn't enough (for me - no judgment on anyone else). I love working. It's a big part of who I am.

I think you need to stop comparing yourself to others. You are keeping your hand in while your kids are young, you’re getting the best of both worlds as well as you can. It’s only short term, but probably feels like forever right now.

I could be you OP. Same hours, toddler age child, high performer and often conflicted about missing out at work thanks to being part time and parenting. I've tried to push where possible and every time I end up going a bit bonkers just to try and keep on top of everything. I too am massively appreciative of the flexibility I have so I try to make the most of it and see it as enough. Every person I know at work in a senior role either doesn't have kids or has sacrificed time with their children I'm not prepared to. So something always has to give, there isn't a silver bullet.

I feel the same. Two children 3 and 7. However, I recently went for promotion and got it. Instead of 3 and s not flexible days, I am now full time and tbh I’m run ragged and kind of wishing I’d stayed as I was. We can never have it all

I'm glad I'm not alone. I thought I was happily pottering along and the strength of the feeling today really took me by surprise.

I've been on the other side of this and it didn't feel much better as we were ttc without success. When things didn't happen initially, I went for a promotion and got it - I'm also professional but in the medical field. I was fairly young for the position I had and I'm sure others felt about me like you do about younger colleagues. However, I would have swapped the promotion for a family in a heartbeat.

I guess I'm just trying to say the grass isn't always greener although I do understand how you feel

Is it the same commute for the other job? I worked lots of different patterns when kids were younger including doing four short days (instead of 3 full days) so I could do afternoon pickups. Being part time didn't stop me getting a certain amount of responsibility but maybe only being in the office two days is not quite enough?

There is definitely a balance to find, As DC got older I did four long days (compressed hours) with an hour commute each way, in hindsight that was too much even with sometimes working from home. My DH also worked part time then though so he was around at the end of the school day. There is no perfect answer just what works for you!

riddles I can relate to that. We had secondary infertility and took many years and losses and medical interventions before DC2 came along. I thank my lucky stars for him ( and his brother of course) every day. I feel so ungrateful

YANBU. I know that feeling and it was one of the factors in me leaving my job (yep lawyer) to become a sahm. Hopefully temporary but who knows. Didn't help that the people overtaking me were not just younger but, at least in some cases, less good .

I think that this feeling is inevitable if you are in a career where full time and pushing up the ladder is the "norm" and that isn't what you are doing. I suspect it would be different in an environment where part time or at least sensible hours is the norm, and perhaps where there is less career progression generally and it's normal to stay at the same level for years.

But you say that
A) the other colleagues applied for the posts. I'm assuming you didn't
B) you don't want the stress etc that goes with moving up the hierarchy in your career.

So there's a bit of a disconnect there.

But also, your children won't be small forever. Bide your time. I e seen women really power along once their children are older.

It might help to think about your career and your work/life balance in the long term. You're keeping things ticking over, just ready to speed up once you can.

Up until now I've been that younger woman getting promoted above my older colleagues who have children and/or work part time. Now I'm pregnant and will be the one on the "mummy track" (that's a really accurate description!). My maternity cover is being taken by a woman older than me whose children are now older and she's been applying for promotions and opportunities left right and centre in a way she hadn't for the past 10 years. We're all going to be working till we're 70-odd, I hope that my career can accommodate some downtime/treading water while my child is young.

You are not alone. I was in the same position as you 2 years ago. I cried many bitter tears. Really

2 years on I have some clarity. I can now see that my manager (whose job I really really wanted) is run ragged. Her health is suffering and she is just 36.

I still have 30 years at my career (if I want) and my DC will not be young for much longer. Maybe 10 more years max. I too work 2 days a week and one day flex. I love it. I work extra when I want and I've set up an unrelated side business that is gaining traction quite quickly.

This has happened for a reason - it's hard now to know why but you are ambitious and you will get your chance.

Hi, I've made similar choices in that I used to work 4 days a week in a stressful job with a long commute and I now work 15 hours per week locally for a lot less money!

One thing that helped me make my decision was an article I read by Margaret Hodge the MP. She said work is a marathon not a sprint and that you slow down and speed up at different times of your life. She became an MP at 59. Your age doesn't matter (or shouldn't!) - you can devote more time and energy to your career in the future, it doesn't have to be now unless you want it to be. But just because you're not prioritising it now doesn't mean you never can again. Bide your time and remember it's a long game !!

Oh yes, sorry Stealth . I'll rephrase that to 'I agree with your first sentence'!

Thanks all - feeling a bit more positive.

Household you're absolutely right. There is a disconnect and I was trying to work through why that was.

I think maybe it's part of the wider 'losing yourself' thing that can happen when you have children. It feels like a bit of an identity crisis. You used to have clarity as to who you are, what drives you and where you want to go. Throw children into the mix and it's like someone had thrown all the pieces of you in the air and they've all landed in a middle and there's no clarity anymore (can you tell I've had some wine.....)

*muddle (blame the )

I agree with other posters that working life is long and you have plenty of time to catch up later. I felt ready to gear up again once my youngest was 5. Women in any case get a second wind on their careers when they are past child bearing age - late 40s onwards.

I would suggest you coast through this period and when you feel ready to commit more fully to your career (if that is what you want), to change jobs and reinvent yourself elsewhere. It is hard to get off the mummy track once others put you on it as perceptions are difficult to shake, hence a fresh start and clean slate.

You are going through a grieving period and mourning the loss of your identity as the young ambitious professional. It is the same process when a person comes to terms with ageing and stepping back and letting others be the star.

I spent 7yrs on the Mummy Track at a city law firm. It was utterly dull but all I was capable of whilst the DC were young as both (2.5yr age gap) were nightmare sleeps & I was chronically sleep deprived.
By chance, just as DC2 was due to start school a year ago, I saw an interesting job advertised & decided to apply for it. It was a bit of a risk as I had a lot of security in my previous job and it was easy to do but I am relishing my new role. I had forgotten how much I love being challenged & having to think on my feet. I feel as though I have really got my spark back. To top it all, I have just had a promotion and pay rise so will be (marginally) outearning DH again which shouldn't matter but does as, when we met, I earned twice as much as he did.
In retrospect, I am so glad I had those years on the Mummy Track as it did keep my hand in and meant that I could apply for this job, a job I just wouldn't have gone had I been a SAHM for a few years or done something completely different. How old are you? You probably have another 20 years (or more) ahead of you so there is plenty of time to move on to a more dynamic job.

I'm the opposite here.
I've just had an opportunity fall in my lap - deserved yes but unexpected.
I too am part time and whilst I will agree to up my hours a bit, I won't up then that much as my children are ultimately my priority.
I'm now shitting myself about grtting the work life balance correct and if I'm honest I've been coasting for the last 5 years.
I did need a new challenge and I'm enjoying the challenge I just feel the mummy guilt!

Such a prescient discussion for me right now. My manager now is lovely but pretty crap and I could do the job standing on my head. But I chose not to. So I shouldn't feel disgruntled!

Lots and lots of posts and advice here but the one that resonated most was that on our deathbeds none of this will matter. None of it. But we will look back and be glad for all the time we had when our kids were little

In all fairness your kids are totally old enough for you to work fulltime.

Its about your choice, and that applies whether you're a woman or a man, a parent or not.

That's not what I said wormy :o
On my deathbed I hope to be proud of my career too. There's also an argument for living how you want to now, rather than making decisions based on how you think you'll feel at the end of your life