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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thinking of not attending friends' wedding

51 replies

Magicnumbers · 09/10/2017 09:40

Reluctantly, I don't think we should attend my DHs friends' wedding.

DH works offshore for weeks at a time. We now know that he will be away during the wedding, but he could arrange to come back (at around £1.5k of our own expense) for the day itself, then travel back the next day. It's 16 hours each way. But DH is really close to his friend.

Wedding is literally the other side of the UK so it's a flight for me. Children are not invited and we have 2 under 7. There are no family or friends in the area so no babysitters. We respect their decision on children and I suggested that DH goes alone. DH wants me there too.

DH wants my elderly DPs to have the DCs. I don't think that it is fair to ask them- my DF is not well. DH then suggests asking my sister to come with us and babysit while we go.

This all seems OTT to me- the costs for bringing sister would bring it up to well over 2k for all our travel and accommodation.

My judgement is clouded though, because really I just think DH should decline and say that we would love to pay for them to come and see us, or we go to see them another time. They are close, but it's not like he's a best man or they see each other much.

AIBU to feel that it's not fair or proportionate for me/DCs/sister to come down for 24 hours? Oh, and it's a weekend during term time so it would literally be flying down that morning and returning Sunday for us...

OP posts:

Oly5 · 09/10/2017 10:34

*miss!

Gimmeareason · 09/10/2017 10:35

HELL NO

user1479335914 · 09/10/2017 10:37

Can you just say you have looked carefully into it as you really want to go, but the logistics are making it impossible. They are bound to understand, knowing that your DH is working abroad, you live far away from the wedding and have children who are not invited. Offer to meet afterwards, and enjoy a celebratory get-together then .

JustPutSomeGlitterOnIt · 09/10/2017 10:39

Oh my god no. Hell no.

Leeds2 · 09/10/2017 10:43

I wouldn't go at that expense. But your DH could presumably go by himself if he wants to.

Somerville · 09/10/2017 10:44

If I was your DH, I wouldn't want to incur all the cost of coming back, only to not see my children. So I'd be what many MNers would describe as a cheeky fucker, and say to the friend that I can't attend the wedding unless my kids can also come.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/10/2017 10:47

Simply too expensive.

I wouldn't consider it for that reason alone.

Freetodowhatiwant · 09/10/2017 10:47

I don't think he should miss the wedding if he doesn't want to, it's a close friends and he is happy to spend the money. Personally I would want to go to but I love a child-free wedding and if we could get 1.5k together then a few hundred more isn't much difference. But I would also be happy to leave my kids with my parents (might be a different situation for you) or to bring my sister (I don't have one, but still) with me. It's horses for courses though but if he wants to go and you don't really feel the need I wouldn't stop him from going.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2017 10:54

Would this person make the same effort for your family OP?

I'd suggest offering to meet with them when your husband returns. Maybe a hotel deal halfway between you (one that has babysitting so you can bring the kids and spend some day time with them too) and ask some other mutual friends. It's often a bit flat after a wedding and this would be another wedding related event for everyone to look forward to.

One of Dh's friends put a lot of pressure on us to fly out for a whole week for his planned Caribbean wedding. We were down to our last penny but more importantly there was no way I was leaving my pre-school young uns for a whole week when I only had 20 days holiday a year. If they were older and we were able to afford it then perhaps but I said we were sorry but we couldn't.
He charmingly replied that it was at times like this when you found out who your true friends were. (I agree!) I'm guessing we were not the only ones as they eventually had a UK wedding but he made a big deal of referring to the wedding he wanted and could have had, in my hearing, as if it was my sole responsibility.

I'm so glad I didn't cave, He certainly would not have done it for us and it would have been so grim for our little DCs apart from adding to our financial difficulties.
I don't think you will regret sticking to your guns OP, especially if you offer them an alternative.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2017 10:58

I think your DH is being unreasonable here.
It's not practical for you both to go.
It's not really even practical for HIM to go, given the cost, but that's up to him (and you as it's family finance).

I think you have to stand firm - say he can go by himself, but you're not going regardless.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/10/2017 11:01

Your H gets to go by himself or not at all, those are his options. Your reasons for not going are perfectly valid and fair. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

flowery · 09/10/2017 11:10

Surely they aren't actually expecting any of you to go? Surely it's just a case of an invitation because DH is a close friend, but it's not occurring to them that he's come back from offshore for the day just for that?

5rivers7hills · 09/10/2017 11:39

@RideOn gives a great suggestion

SingingMySong · 09/10/2017 11:54

I think @Flowery is right, they may well just be inviting you out of politeness and expecting you to decline.

You really don't need to spend money on them on another occasion, by way of apology. Your DH should buy them a nice gift AND perhaps write something like an email in lieu of a telegram, the sort of thing that the best man can read out during his speech.

CurlyBlueberry · 09/10/2017 12:52

I would spend £1.5k to get to my best friend's wedding or my brother's. But anyone else, forget it, and I would ask my husband to stay home with the kids in the same circumstances as you. YANBU to not go but if you can afford it and he really wants to go then he can go alone surely.

TheNaze73 · 09/10/2017 14:01

He should go in his own.

LemonysSnicket · 09/10/2017 15:04

God no I wouldn’t attend.

Send a lovely gift and card, drop them a sincere message saying that your husband can’t come back at that time without great personal expense and he’s devastated. They should be perfectly accepting of this .. if saddened .

emmyrose2000 · 10/10/2017 01:15

I wouldn't be wasting that much time and/or money on attending someone's wedding (or any other event for that matter). It wouldn't even enter my head to try and make it work once I'd seen the logistics involved.

A real friend would understand why your family can't attend. If they kick up a fuss that you're not willing to spend thousands on their wedding, then they're not real friends.

ShitOrBust · 10/10/2017 02:22

Nope.
No way would I go.
that's the worst thing about weddings anyway.
the people who move heaven and earth to get there are often never noticed or acknowledged.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/10/2017 02:58

I kind of think it's your husband that's being unreasonable.

Why can't he just go by himself? The cost to send you all there is prohibitive, but he could at least go and make an effort to be part of their day/celebration?

It's your husband that's sort of turning this into a 3-ring circus.

EssentialHummus · 10/10/2017 03:06

Arrange a weekend "to look at wedding photos", sometime your DH is off work, and bring DCs/arrange childcare and stay near where they live and have a lovely weekend instead.

Great idea.

Mum2OneTeen · 10/10/2017 03:11

If this wedding is so important to your DH, then by all means he should go if he prepared to waste spend the money.

But there is absolutely no reason why you should feel as though you need to go too. Especially in light of child-care issues, what a lot of bother just to attend a wedding.

Your DP is an adult ffs, he doesn't need you go along too and hold his hand.

mhammond9 · 10/10/2017 03:23

£1-£2K for a wedding that’s not yours / a close ones / that you’re a part of....crazy.

Could your husband arrange work so that he leaves to go offshore after the wedding or arrives back home before the wedding? Because those 16 hour flights sound awful.

I think it could work in theory but it would be expensive and tiring, has your husband really sat down and worked out the logistics? Could you hire a babysitter? Could you tell the friends the current situation and see if they’d allow your children there? If you’re as close as it seems it shouldn’t be an issue....

BulletFox · 10/10/2017 03:50

It doesn't sound viable.

dontbesillyhenry · 10/10/2017 03:55

Lol @ spending the 2k on a small holiday instead (the Mumsnet parallel universe once again)

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