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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wrong? - disabled son never going to work

36 replies

deblet · 08/10/2017 18:13

A bit of background. I don't speak to my brother he is a massive bell end and the only one in the family who speaks to him is my da. His daughter 18 is getting married and therefore he wants my dad to help fund it and dad has received more than the bi annual call this year. Dad is thrilled to be involved and is chatting about my family which he normally does not do.

Right so dear brother told him today that my son is a waster and I should make him get a job. I am smothering him etc etc and dad is now worried I should be pushing him more. I am so livid (made worse by the fact I cannot confront him) but I constantly worry if I am not helping son enough so it has struck a nerve.
I work for DWP part time and have explored a few things through work but DS (25)cannot do anything. At all. He has autism but is quite high functioning. He has a personality disorder, extreme anxiety, ichthyosis, very floppy hypermobility and has just had a defibrillator fitted to prevent him having a sudden cardiac arrest and dying. His brother died in 2014 from the same condition. He is struggling with coping with having the device in and the reason for it. His psychiatrist has upped his medication.
He can't work outside, he can't lift heavy objects, he can't cope with strange people, he can't socialise I don''t know what job he is supposed to do and I work 32 hours a week, am training to be a counsellor and am up half the night with him and his 14 year old autistic brother so I am always tired. Maybe I don't push him but into what?. His keyboard skills are great but I have rung companies doing data input, nobody has a job in a quiet room with nobody else in it for him to do! I am feeling 90 % angry but I do have a bit of doubt.AIBU to want to cry or drive down and poke my brother on the nose?

OP posts:

Bobbybobbins · 08/10/2017 18:15

No YANBU! And your brother needs to butt out - you know your son's needs and capabilities best. My son is autistic, though he is only 3 and I am already worrying about what he will do.

NinonDeLenclos · 08/10/2017 18:18

You're right your brother is a massive bellend. Ignore everything he says.

AJPTaylor · 08/10/2017 18:20

ignore your brother. he is a twat. my dnephew could never hold a job. he is autistic and has other multiple conditions
sometimes that is the way it is.

anyadvicehelps · 08/10/2017 18:32

Sorry, I don't know anything about autism, (and neither does your brother apparently? He sounds igorant) and I know it's not the point of your thread, but has he considered programming/coding? It' computer-related, and can be done from home with very little social involvement.

MrsJayy · 08/10/2017 18:34

You are right your brother is a massive knob, there is nothing else to say.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2017 18:39

Your brother is a twat. However, Is DS happy or content with doing no work or does he have activities to keep busy? Maybe there is some volunteering role he could do in a sector which helps vulnerable people get involved.

Perhaps DS is ok as he is in which case fine but most of us, no matter how disabled want to do something productive or useful at least some of the time. I had to stop working through physical disability and miss being useful.

In short YANBU and so very sorry for the loss of your other ds.

Floralnomad · 08/10/2017 18:40

Does your son claim benefits or are you completely supporting him ? I'm only asking because although whatever you are doing now is fine if you are happy with the situation but at some point you do need to look at what would happen and how your dc would cope if anything happened to you . I'm in a similar situation except I have a dh , which I'm assuming from your OP you don't and if anything happened to us there is financial provision in place at least . In the meantime tell your dad to mind his own business

MegRichardson · 08/10/2017 18:41

If I were you I would be tempted to tell my dad a few home truths about your darling brother, but I suspect that you would be wasting your breath. You could, however, ask your father not to talk to you about your brother because you believe your brother to be a dick.

7to25 · 08/10/2017 18:42

Ask your brother to find him a job.

tippz · 08/10/2017 18:43

Don't let anyone make you feel like shit! You're a great mom, and your brother is an asshole.

Shame your dad is BFF's with him at the mo, but it won't last, your brother sounds like a user.

Give your son a hug from me (((HUG))) And here' some flowers for you.

And YANBU to assume that your son will never be able to hold down a normal job. Don't worry. He isn't the only one.

RoderickRules · 08/10/2017 18:44

I was going to say volunteering.
And nowt to do with your brother, but more to do with your sons happiness.

Well done on retraining in such extremely difficult circumstances.

Badhairday1001 · 08/10/2017 18:44

Ignore your brother, he sounds awful. I'm angry for you! You are doing your best and supporting your son, you've done nothing wrong. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and don't need a shit brother in your life. I'm really sorry for your loss.

usernameinfinito · 08/10/2017 18:45

Your brother can fuck off! Being a parent of a disabled child is hard enough. Maybe he can get your son a job if he likes to go on about it.

Luttrell · 08/10/2017 18:46

YANBU OP, your brother sounds a complete tosser.

@anyadvicehelps , coding is not a solitary profession. It requires teamwork and collaboration on a project, as well as being skilled in translating a human need or problem in a logical manner. It may well be something the OP's son enjoys, but the cliché of the solitary silent hacker isn't the reality of the role.

Ttbb · 08/10/2017 18:49

Is there something creative he likes to do like writing, painting, wood carving, whatever? He may not be able to make a living out of it but then again he may. If nothing else he will be doing something that he enjoys. If he does have such a hobby he can try selling his work on etsy, eBay, fbmarkdt place etc.

LtGreggs · 08/10/2017 18:50

Specifically on the coding suggestion - this always comes up as a suggestion. I run a software development business. Programmers/coders don't need to be extroverts with great customer facing skills - but they do need to be able to communicate well with others, work as part of a team, and be quite resilient through a development cycle that includes interpretation of client requests, changing requirements, bug fixing, code deployments etc. It not just something you can sit on your own in a quiet room and get on with without speaking to anyone - certainly not in a commercial setting.

Apols - rant over!

purplepot · 08/10/2017 18:51

YANBU. You're the expert in your child so don't doubt yourself based on what anyone else says. My DS is 23 and autistic (with other diagnoses on top) and he is always going to struggle to work in any sort of real job. Currently he does a bit of voluntary work in our local autism branch cafe, just one afternoon a week, but he needs a high level of support and couldn't do it for a living. Many people simply don't understand how debilitating autism can be, especially when a lot of very high functioning people get a lot of media coverage.

DS gets the enhanced rate of PIP for both mobility and care, and is in the support group for ESA, which shows that even the DWP recognise his difficulties and that's not an easy task at all! I think the important thing is for people like him is to be happy and content, and sometimes that just means enjoying life doing what they like, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I have ignorant family members and friends who sometimes offer unsolicited suggestions and advice, and the best you can do is learn to tune them out and change the subject quickly. No point in debating the issue with people like that.

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2017 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlayOnWurtz · 08/10/2017 18:52

Your brother is a twat however is there potential for your son to go into some form of supported employment.

Check out your local MIND and ask them as they're usually extremely good with work issues especially if your son is high functioning

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/10/2017 18:53

Sorry @deblet, KNOB = BROTHER.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/10/2017 18:54

Would he be able to do some sort of data processing work from home? I remember someone on here linked to a good home working site once.

My DNephew is 16 and in the same position so I sympathise.

wheresthel1ght · 08/10/2017 18:55

Your brother is a complete tool.

My friends brother is autistic and at 34 has never and will never be able to work. I worry what will happen once his parents pass on.

As an idea, Could your son maybe do book keeping or accounting? He could work from home and if in receipt of dla and or attendance allowance could maybe hire someone to meet clients on his behalf maybe?

fiverabbits · 08/10/2017 19:05

My DS has never worked and he is 37 years old. The person who asks if is working is his GP. I am sure he my DS is on the autistic spectrum as he doesn't speak to other people unless forced and he has no idea about getting to appointments on time etc which causes problems for us all especially as he has 3 hospital appointments every 4 months plus others and as well dentists, opticians gp's etc. He has various health issues and needs supervision all day and night but I can't imagine an employee would supervise him if he was to work. All I can do for the future is to keep him alive and provide him with a home with his sister when my DH and I are dead. Until you are the parent of a disabled child no one can say anything. Ignore your brother and keep going as you are.

Lemongrass57 · 08/10/2017 19:12

It sounds to me as though your DS meets the criteria to go direct to the ESA support group so if he’s not getting it you might want to look into that (google “ESA schedule 3 descriptors” - only one need apply.)

StaplesCorner · 08/10/2017 19:21

On top of everything else DP's son ...has just had a defibrillator fitted to prevent him having a sudden cardiac arrest and dying. His brother died in 2014 from the same condition.

Well, that's all we need to know then. You are some sort of fucking superstar mum to be coping with all that and your brother is a massive tool. How dare your Dad question you, is he a complete fool?

Do you have any support in RL is there a partner or normal family members around?

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