Am I wrong? - disabled son never going to work

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A bit of background. I don't speak to my brother he is a massive bell end and the only one in the family who speaks to him is my da. His daughter 18 is getting married and therefore he wants my dad to help fund it and dad has received more than the bi annual call this year. Dad is thrilled to be involved and is chatting about my family which he normally does not do.

Right so dear brother told him today that my son is a waster and I should make him get a job. I am smothering him etc etc and dad is now worried I should be pushing him more. I am so livid (made worse by the fact I cannot confront him) but I constantly worry if I am not helping son enough so it has struck a nerve.
I work for DWP part time and have explored a few things through work but DS (25)cannot do anything. At all. He has autism but is quite high functioning. He has a personality disorder, extreme anxiety, ichthyosis, very floppy hypermobility and has just had a defibrillator fitted to prevent him having a sudden cardiac arrest and dying. His brother died in 2014 from the same condition. He is struggling with coping with having the device in and the reason for it. His psychiatrist has upped his medication.
He can't work outside, he can't lift heavy objects, he can't cope with strange people, he can't socialise I don''t know what job he is supposed to do and I work 32 hours a week, am training to be a counsellor and am up half the night with him and his 14 year old autistic brother so I am always tired. Maybe I don't push him but into what?. His keyboard skills are great but I have rung companies doing data input, nobody has a job in a quiet room with nobody else in it for him to do! I am feeling 90 % angry but I do have a bit of doubt.AIBU to want to cry or drive down and poke my brother on the nose?

Some disabled people are never going to be able to work. It sounds like trying to push your DS into doing would be very detrimental to his health. I would just focus on ensuring he has the financial support he is entitled to and things he enjoys doing to fill his days. A paycheck is not the only way you can contribute to society

ingnore your brother - eye roll and brush it off.

www.autism.org.uk/about/adult-life/work.aspx

However the routine of work can help people feel engaged with the world around them and be good for a sense of wellbeing. It doesn't have to be a well paid job just a menial get out the house and in a routine and being busy job like at a garden centre or doing the photocopying and shredding for an office.

I would tell DB (and your DF) that he needs to butt out of your and your son's business.

What is wrong with your DB that he cannot fund his own DD's wedding - does he have mutiple disabilties ?

Oh I'm sorry- I am sure you are both correct in most cases. I happen to be a highly 'solitary' programmer. I'm also not in the UK, so am not familiar . Good luck OP! Don't let him get you down.

Hi everyone thank you for the replies. I have calmed a little now and I thank you for your support. He does get ESA he went straight into support group and he does have a little routine each week, helping his siblings with homework shopping with my mum and helping his older half brother upload stuff onto his website so he is happy as long as nothing is too different or disruptive.
My dad is just desperate for my brother to be part of the family and I know it hurts him that my mum, sister and I won't speak to him but its because of stuff like this. He even forgave the knob for not visiting my mum in hospital when she had a double mastectomy because he was going swimming! (this is when we stopped speaking to him). You have made me feel better I live in enough fear of what's going to happen to him when I am not here to care for him as it is without dad playing on those fears because of my brother. And no KURRIKURRI he is just greedy. He has a good job and my dad is on a pension but hey ho he has to tap him for money. Not my business what dad does though but we will have to have the conversation of not talking about my family again. Thank you all again

There may be a job somewhere out there that he can do, and from your op I'm sure that if you ever come across it you will be absolutely supportive and encouraging him to do it.
In the meantime you have not found such a job and so you are doing the exactly the right thing and supporting him in the way that he needs supporting, which is being sympathetic to his needs and difficulties.
This is not your brother's business, he doesn't have any concern for your and your son's best interests and I'm surprised your dad even relayed what he said as it is obviously going to be upsetting for you. Keep being a brilliant mum and stuff what your brother thinks x

Sounds like your brother (and possibly your Dad since that is where he gets his information from) don't really understand your son's condition(s).

Fortunately, you DO understand him, his abilities and his limitations. And you are providing that for him. If you can, leave it there and ignore them.

But if you can't leave it there, you need is something to tell your Dad - either for him to say to brother when he mentions it or something to filter out what Dad hears from him.

Something along the lines of "Dad, if Brother talks about my son, remind him hasn't even seen my son in XX years, how would he know what he can and can't do in the workplace? I am not interested in hearing what Brother says about my son, please don't discuss him. DS would find it very distressing to find the family talks about him behind his back. "

Or "Dad, Brother has no qualifications in this area, he's not seen DS in X long, so really he has no expertise here. I am following the advise of his medical specialists and my own understanding of him, please don't talk about him to brother, and don't tell me what Brother says, as I find it very upsetting to hear his unqualified opinions."

Or "FFS Dad, son is going to face all kinds of prejudice from strangers, don't you think his family can be supportive of him (and me)? I really don't care what Brother thinks, he's not even seen X since Y. I am following my medical specialists advice, as well as my own understanding of him. Just don't pass on Brother's opinions to me, I am not interested in what he thinks about me/DS."

Wish you luck op, it’s hard when people just can’t be supportive instead of criticism being aimed at you and your life, your brother is a nosy busybody who needs to but out. You should really tell your dad some Home truths about him because wow he’s a massive user

Btw I’m so sorry you lost your other son. Your doing a great job and ignore that massive dickhead.

Thank you all for your comments x