Mother in law......sorry!

[Ostagazuzulum]

First time poster and I know it’s very cliche to post about mother in laws so please go easy!

I have a reasonable relationship with MIL, more that we quietly tolerate each other. I tried to reach out to her in the beginning by asking whether she wanted to go shopping etc, but she simply said ‘no’. If you met her, you’d think she was lovely, but She’s always been one for making passive aggressive comments. Coincidentally whenever my husband isn’t around .
. Her latest effort is to tell me I’m not ‘maternal’. She’s told me this several times. I initially took approach of just ignoring comment but then I asked her why she thought that. She just replied ‘you’re just not are you’ then changed the subject when my husband entered the room.

She’s said much worse in the past. I used to think that she was naive and didn’t realise how her comments came across, but after a bit realised that they were blatant digs. I always ignore it to keep the peace. I don’t see her a lot so it’s not such a big issue. She doesn’t make these comments every time I see her, just now and then. For some reason this comment has really annoyed me. I get the impression she disapproves of me having a career even though we don’t use childcare and both my husband and I are equal in how much we look after our sons. She often makes digs about me being at work.

I spoke to my husband about it who thinks I must have taken it the wrong way... along with all the other comments. Otherwise he’s fab, very supportive. Am I being over sensitive or if telling a mother she isn’t maternal, pretty offensive?

There is a technique to dealing with people like this. It requires you to do the following:

Mil: you’re not maternal.
You: concerned look. Big smile. Gosh what do you mean? Dh! Come here a mo.. I’m just having a lovely chat with your Mum. She’s says I’m not maternal. Do you think I’m maternal? What exactly do you mean by maternal MIL?

Then you go ON AND ON AND ON way, way past the point she squirms. If anyone else is around you rope them in too. Sandra! Hello, yes MIL was just saying..,

The idea is to repeat and repeat and repeat with a big cheery smile on, until they are squirming and everyone around you has heard, while you profess wide eyed innocence and you’re just trying to have your lovely chat with MIL.

You need hide like a rhino but by god it works.

I would be tempted to respond with "and you are not at ALL like I expected a mother-in-law would be, but hey-ho"

So your husband, who's supposed to be your partner and support you, just dismisses your feelings? There's your problem right there.

You don't have to be around your MIL at all - you have a choice. If your DH won't tell her to wind her neck in then I'd say just avoid her. That's what I do with my MIL (who tells 'funny stories' with hidden messages about what a shit housekeeper I am).

'Your not maternal'.
'I think my sons, and yours, would disagree then smile.