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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law......sorry!

54 replies

Ostagazuzulum · 08/10/2017 14:46

First time poster and I know it’s very cliche to post about mother in laws so please go easy!

I have a reasonable relationship with MIL, more that we quietly tolerate each other. I tried to reach out to her in the beginning by asking whether she wanted to go shopping etc, but she simply said ‘no’. If you met her, you’d think she was lovely, but She’s always been one for making passive aggressive comments. Coincidentally whenever my husband isn’t around .
Hmm. Her latest effort is to tell me I’m not ‘maternal’. She’s told me this several times. I initially took approach of just ignoring comment but then I asked her why she thought that. She just replied ‘you’re just not are you’ then changed the subject when my husband entered the room.

She’s said much worse in the past. I used to think that she was naive and didn’t realise how her comments came across, but after a bit realised that they were blatant digs. I always ignore it to keep the peace. I don’t see her a lot so it’s not such a big issue. She doesn’t make these comments every time I see her, just now and then. For some reason this comment has really annoyed me. I get the impression she disapproves of me having a career even though we don’t use childcare and both my husband and I are equal in how much we look after our sons. She often makes digs about me being at work.

I spoke to my husband about it who thinks I must have taken it the wrong way... along with all the other comments. Otherwise he’s fab, very supportive. Am I being over sensitive or if telling a mother she isn’t maternal, pretty offensive?

OP posts:
Lagerthaisfabulous · 08/10/2017 16:32

I am not very maternal. Doesnt bother me. My mum has said it to me. I didnt take offence at all.

Doesnt make me a crap mother. My mum thinks i am a good mum as well.

Happyemoji · 08/10/2017 16:39

My partner sees me as maternal and mumsie. His way of thinking is be good at one thing your career or SAHM because you cant be it all. I chose to be a SAHM and that's what I want to be. I want to teach my children music and help them with their homework. I don't think I would have the energy if I had a job on top and having to split my evening with cooking and helping my 4 children with homework etc. I want my children to learn music I want them to do well in school and if that means I have to sacrifice what I want to do then so be it.

grannytomine · 08/10/2017 16:39

Atenco, the OP did mention it though and in a way that sounded as if the MIL was wrong about it. Just made me wonder if my DsIL might feel I was wrong not to go shopping. Not enough to make me go shopping though.

Atenco · 08/10/2017 16:47

Atenco, the OP did mention it though and in a way that sounded as if the MIL was wrong about it. Just made me wonder if my DsIL might feel I was wrong not to go shopping

I know, it was referred to as if it were a treat. To each their own, but I totally agree with you, it would be my idea of hell.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/10/2017 16:52

Every time she makes a nasty comment about you, smile sweetly and say, "Well they do say men are attracted to women just like their mothers,"

BewareOfDragons · 08/10/2017 17:12

Every time you're alone with her, switch your mobile phone to 'record' immediately. And share the delightful snipes with your DH and ask him to sort her out or she won't 'be welcome in your life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 17:15

Sounds like a mild version of my mother. I find not seeing her much the best solution.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2017 17:17

Putting my hand up here to say I would also loathe the idea of a "shopping trip" with my MIL - or indeed any of my friends, DH, even the kids. I really don't like shopping, and the idea of doing it as a "treat" makes me wince.
Thankfully the only time I have ever had to do a joint shopping trip with MIL was after I badly sprained my ankle and had to take the boys to get their Christmas photo done at a shopping centre (Australia, it's a thing) - MIL came too as she drove us, and meant she could wait in the queue with the boys while I did a few last-minute bits of shopping with a trolley to lean on.

SilverySurfer · 08/10/2017 17:21

I think you have to call her on it. When your DH returns say 'would you like to say that again, I'm sure DH would be interested in hearing your opinion' - she will squirm - horrible woman.

Your DH should be 100% supportive of you but sounds like he's got Fear, Obligtion, Guilt {FOG) re his mother. I hope he sees the truth for your sake,

Trb17 · 08/10/2017 17:27

I have in laws like this. I use the agree and twist methods. First agree. It’s diffuses their power. Then twist. It gives you the power.

E.g. to the comment saying you weren’t maternal I’d have replied:

“Yeah you’re right. But then neither are you and yet we’re both great Mums”

You have deflated her sails, thrown it straight back onto her and, to top it off, complimented her so she can’t be mad.

This always works with my passive aggressive in laws and I get a kick out of it too.

RedSkyAtNight · 08/10/2017 17:34

I'd describe myself as not maternal and I have children! Wouldnt see it as an insult if anyone said it to me. And if anyone asked me to come shopping for fun, including my nearest and dearest, I too would say "no". I wonder if the issue is simply that you have different beliefs and priorities?

LaContessaDiPlump · 08/10/2017 17:41

trb that is genius.

op my MIL is like this too - nasty little digs galore. Thank goodness she overplayed her hand last year and DH saw what a nasty bitch she is. I never have to see her again, hoo-fucking-rah Grin

pigsDOfly · 08/10/2017 17:54

Are you saying Happyemoji that you think the children of women who have careers can't learn music or do well at school?

I've said this about myself OP because I'm not maternal, but I can see why it would rankle to be told that my MIL if she's got a history of making little digs.

I think I would just ask her to clarify why she's come to that conclusion, 'you just aren't' is not an answer.

Appuskidu · 08/10/2017 18:02

My partner sees me as maternal and mumsie.

Hmm
Original poster
Ostagazuzulum · 08/10/2017 18:12

Firstly, thanks to everyone for replying. It’s a big relief to see I’m not being over sensitive! All your suggestions were fab and I’m almost looking forward to her next snidely remark so I can chuck one of your retorts back at her! Grin

With regard the shopping, it’s not my idea of a good day out either, but it’s something she enjoys. It was to buy something specific for a family party that I knew she’d love to have been involved choosing. I have tried to engage, and in front of everyone else she’s lovely. It’s just when it’s one on one she makes remarks, but they’re said in a way that I have to think twice. Essentially the woman is a smiling assassin! I’ve let most of it ride as I’m keen for my children and husband to maintain a good relationship with her (she’s great with them) and I know you have to pick your battles, I’m actually surprisingly bobby and not shy of confrontation. One of her other daughter fell out with her years ago and they haven’t spoken since. Makes it awkward for others. I just grit my teeth and literally inhale chocolate to calm myself down! Slot of you though have given me some useful ideas to nip this in the bud with things escalating or dragging my hubby into matter (he would speak to her about it if I really insisted but I don’t want to put him in that position until it’s really necessary)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostagazuzulum · 08/10/2017 18:14

Arghhh excuse all the dodgy typo’s. My autocorrect has gone barmy! Confused

OP posts:
Dustbunny1900 · 08/10/2017 18:25

That's not a veiled insult or passive aggressive..that's full on insult to say that to a new mother and she knows it. Certainly not over sensitive

Spangles1963 · 08/10/2017 19:15

It's not a crime not to be maternal! I m not the slightest bit maternal,although I do have one DD that I think the world of,and a DGD that I adore. I used to get sick of people commenting that I wasn't very maternal when DD was growing up,as if it was something to be ashamed of. I'm not a child hater,nor do I wish any child any harm,I'm just not 'into them'. Give me a kitten any day

Fishface77 · 08/10/2017 19:25

Yeah I would also go with something along the lines of "well I'm following your lead." If she says something like that again.

Mittens1969 · 08/10/2017 20:44

It does sound as though OP’s MIL was being deliberately insulting. Otherwise, she would have apologised for any unintended insult and set the record straight. You tell your DH in front of your MIL what she has said and ask her what she meant by it.

And avoid being alone with her in future, where possible.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2017 21:19

Another option of course is to start pulling it out into the open in another way. As soon as she comments, you come out with an ABSOLUTE belly laugh of delight -

'OOOH that was a good one, for you! Maximum points. Now put those claws away before you do me an injury! Hee hee DH is going to love hearing this one later, best yet!'

emmyrose2000 · 09/10/2017 08:01

She sounds nasty.

I agree with bringing it up with DH right there and then so he knows what's going on, and so she can't get away with her comments in private.

tiddleywinks27 · 09/10/2017 19:50

Trb 17 - perfect response! Love it.

fizzthecat1 · 09/10/2017 20:18

I want my children to learn music I want them to do well in school and if that means I have to sacrifice what I want to do then so be it

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM but it's not a sacrifice you'd clearly rather not work lol. There's nothing wrong with that I just wish women who don't work would stop acting like martyrs.

HeebieJeebies456 · 11/10/2017 15:42

My partner sees me as maternal and mumsie. His way of thinking is be good at one thing your career or SAHM because you cant be it all

That's the dig mil is making at OP - both as a woman and as a mother.
Apparently, OP is not a good mum because she lacks the 'nurturing' instinct that 'a real woman' has Hmm
So whether op is a sahm or also has a paid job - apparently she's 'not fit' to be either Hmm

It's an insulting (and nasty) comment to make to any woman.

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