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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been wendied

73 replies

OculusIncubus · 07/10/2017 23:32

Long standing close friend of 6 years is wendying me. I moved in with some of her friends but continued to include her in everything. She now sees everyone else but not me. Never invites me to things. Is super flaky. Advice? It's hurtful

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 08/10/2017 07:56

Wendy isn’t a mumsnet term it comes from a book I think

strawberrisc · 08/10/2017 08:01

I don't understand half of the MN speak (Wendied etc.) For some reason I can't stand the term "stealth boast!" I switch off halfway through long OPs full of anacronyms because as I'm thinking DGD is a Granddaughter it turns out to be a Godson or because I can't be bothered going to the page of terms to find out what an NDN or suchlike is. Oh and woe betide the time I started a thread only to be attacked by wolves because it had been "done to death". Only slightly better then when I was compared to the McCanns

So Worra I appreciated the explanation.

WhataHexIgotinto · 08/10/2017 08:04

It isn't a Mumsnet term, it comes from the Judy Blume book Blubber.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 08/10/2017 08:08

No it is a mumsnet term, I was on the original thread - the 'friend' in question was called Wendy by the OP and it stuck. Ah, they were simpler times back then...

Unless there's a book and I missed that bit...very possible.

Anyway, I digress...

OP, you are Wendying your friend - you've moved in with her friends and somewhere along the line you have pissed off the original friend and now she is ghosting you. Because you've taken over her friends and muscled your way in.

Classic Wendy. And you can't see it which I suppose makes it slightly better, you haven't been deliberately vindictive, but I'd love to get the 'friend's' perspective on this.

I've been Wendied - I made a few friends at a playgroup and then went out of my way to include another mum who was very shy. Then she became unshy, took over my new friends and now I'm never invited anywhere with them. But I do get the pleasure of watching their lovely, fun times on Facebook with pathetic captions like "This lot".

I actually don't care anymore but at the time it was the worst thing ever, I was a new mum and I was lonely. In the end it turns out they're really hard work, and although I made an attempt with a few of them individually they all became really competitive and, much to my embarrassment, I spent a fortune trying to keep up so I'd be invited back in.

LaughingElliot · 08/10/2017 08:10

Coffee I concur, I too was on the original Wendy thread. (Great thread!)
OP sounds v Wendyish.

LavenderDoll · 08/10/2017 08:15

I too was on the original thread it's a mumsnet term.
Wendy in Blubbe by Judy Blunt was a bully but not a Wendy in this sense.

LavenderDoll · 08/10/2017 08:17

Man alive ... it's early but not an excuse for my spelling errors
BLUBBER
JUDY BLUME

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 08/10/2017 08:18

AdalindSchade are you seriously suggesting that by your mid twenties you should have the financial resources to either be a homeowner or privately renting? Sounds breathtakingly out of touch to me but perhaps that's because I live in London.

Lagerthaisfabulous · 08/10/2017 08:19

So the Op doesnt really understand the term 'wendied'. Which makes her rude response to worra, quite funny l.

Anyway, OP wether you believe you 'wendying' her doesnt matter. But in this situation you are the one that is in the position to 'wendy' her.

Either she feels you are 'wendying' her.

Or she is stepping back from the friendship for other reasons.

But she isnt wendying you.

Brighteyes27 · 08/10/2017 08:23

OP sorry but I agree with other posters it sounds like you are the one doing the 'wending' 'gas lighting' either knowingly or unknowingly.
It's no fun I have had it done to me in the past or sometimes friendship preferences and dynamics change. Either way if the others are so easily taken in by it her just move on temporarily or permanently.
Anyone new or unsure about the term wendying or gas lighting as it's sometimes known or thinks this may have been done to them in the past might enjoy the book 'nearest thing to crazy - by Elizabeth Forbes'. It's a good light hearted holiday read around this topic.

GinIsIn · 08/10/2017 08:24

Yup - you're the Wendy.

bimbobaggins · 08/10/2017 08:28

Was completely on to say that it seems you are the Wendy in this scenario but I see many people have beaten me to it

WhataHexIgotinto · 08/10/2017 08:29

I also remember the original thread many moons ago and still believe the term to be attributed to the book, but was then used in the same sense on the thread. Wendy in the book bullies Linda by ostracizing her and getting everyone else to join in. Not that it really matters 😁 it's a shit thing to do no matter where the term comes from.

I do think that the OPs friend feels that she's the one being wendied, though I'm sure that's not the OPs intention.

AdalindSchade · 08/10/2017 08:30

No!
I was just thinking it’s unusual to be a circle of female friends none of whom have partners or children to live with past about 25.

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2017 08:33

As the op clearly doesn’t know what wendied means herself, as she has used the term incorrectly, then worra was correct to comment on an explanation, and the op was very rude in response,

Op, maybe she’s always seen her other friends more, as you say they were her friends not yours, maybe she’s finding more in common with them than you currently, friendships ebb and flow. Maybe she herself feels wendied, she introduced you to thr group and you’ve now moved in or maybe she just doesn’t like you any more and feels your attempts to include her are patronising.

The whole “I try to include her”when it’s her friends does sound terribly patronising, like you’re doing her a big favour.

thethoughtfox · 08/10/2017 08:58

I thought wendy-ing was when you introduce someone to your friends and then they all start hanging out without you with the friend who only knows them through you.

LaughingElliot · 08/10/2017 09:01

Gosh it’s like a Wendy thread reunion

Wishfulmakeupping · 08/10/2017 09:02

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 08/10/2017 09:04

You haven't been wendied ffs. YOU moved in with HER friends. She has probably just got bored of you.

WhataHexIgotinto · 08/10/2017 09:08

Gosh it’s like a Wendy thread reunion

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 08/10/2017 09:10

AdalindSchade. I've reflected and my post to you was unnecessarily terse. I hadn't considered the option of living with a partner or children. Sorry. Still mid 20s for expecting most people to have kids or be living with a partner still seems quite young even for 15 years ago when I was in that age bracket. I thought recent statistics bore that out particularly about having children later in life.

hollyisalovelyname · 08/10/2017 09:20

It's not my interpretation of 'being Wendied' OP
To me, and do please correct me if I have it all wrong, 'being Wendied' is when someone
YOU introduce to YOUR friends group (or it can be another of the group introduces the Wendy) gradually begins to exclude YOU from your friends.
It's horrible.

hmcAsWas · 08/10/2017 09:32

I don't think Worra's post was especially smug and unkind, but I agree that some of the subsequent posts were certainly sarcastic

I think Mummyoflittledragon has it: "I think she sounds jealous she couldn’t move in with her friends and you did. I expect she feels she should be there, not you, so she’s punishing you. It doesn’t matter if the reality is different. We are talking about her feelings. "

Although MLD's interpretation and suggested response is kinder (than me)...

In your situation I would stop worrying about it and let her carry on with her little hissy fit (whilst being polite and friendly whilst in a group situation with her). I'd just wait for her to come around and frankly if she didn't I would think no great loss since she is clearly a flaky sort of friend. Grown adults should leave petty jealousies and insecurities back in Year 9!

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