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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been wendied

73 replies

OculusIncubus · 07/10/2017 23:32

Long standing close friend of 6 years is wendying me. I moved in with some of her friends but continued to include her in everything. She now sees everyone else but not me. Never invites me to things. Is super flaky. Advice? It's hurtful

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 08/10/2017 00:37

It sounds more like she's ghosting you, op. Is it possible she thinks you're wendying her?

Nochecita · 08/10/2017 00:40

She is ghosting me. No how could I be wendying her when I make every effort to include her?

Pumpkintopf · 08/10/2017 00:40

Is it possible you could ask her? If she won’t chat in person could you write/email/text?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 08/10/2017 00:42

I'd probably give her a bit of space and cut right down on contacting her for a while. I like my friends but sometimes get a bit stressed by them being too demanding on my time. A bit of a break makes me appreciate them more when I next see them.

You can't really force someone to tell you what's going on if they don't want to. Some friends aren't good at reciprocating support. Unequal friendships aren't great. Sounds like you should branch out a bit and try and meet a few more people.

Nochecita · 08/10/2017 00:46

I asked her to call me but she ignored my message. She blows very hot and cold. Sometimes she chats other times she doesn't. I have lots of other friends, it's just she was close...

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/10/2017 00:52

OP have you had a namechange fail? I'm confused

Nochecita · 08/10/2017 00:53

Yep! Sorry.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 08/10/2017 00:56

I cringe when I remember all the pathetic things I did to try and get my friendship back to what it was. I ended up letting her treat me like crap. It was very hurtful.

Back off from her, it sounds like you've got other options.

CoughLaughFart · 08/10/2017 01:04

*Six years is a long standing friendship?

Goodness.*

How long do people have to be friends before they reach your standard for 'lasting' friendship?

RonaldMcDonald · 08/10/2017 01:20

I'm with worra
To a fresh eye you look to be a Wendy

You may have difficulties within your friend group but you don't seem to be being Wendied (if indeed that is a thing)

Andylion · 08/10/2017 01:42

OP, you say these are friends from different aspects of her life and that she sees them separately. Does she ever see them all at the same time?

Pretenditsaplan · 08/10/2017 02:03

Your a classic wendy im afraid

Nochecita · 08/10/2017 02:06

IM really really not! I'm really not.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 08/10/2017 02:22

You don't sound like a Wendy to me. You're not ignoring her, you've reached out to her. She is probably a bit sore that you moved in with some of 'her' friends when she couldn't. You were invited by them to do so so it's not like you muscled in. Sounds pretty juvenile to me. She hasn't turned anyone against you so at least that's something. Whether it's living with her friends or something else that she thinks you have done wrong she should be talking to you about it if you are truly good friends.

BMW6 · 08/10/2017 06:40

OP - it is you who is the potential Wendy in this situation. You have moved in with HER friends.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 06:59

I think she sounds jealous she couldn’t move in with her friends and you did. I expect she feels she should be there, not you, so she’s punishing you. It doesn’t matter if the reality is different. We are talking about her feelings.

It also sounds as though you have enough friends to be getting along with, including your new flat mates. However, if you do ignore her, you could then be accused of wendying her.

In your place, I’d send her a simple text telling her that her friendship is important to you. You wish she’d been able to move in with you all together. You miss her. You hope to get together with her soon. Leave it there. If she still decides to ignore you, you can continue your life in the knowledge you did everything you could.

WhataHexIgotinto · 08/10/2017 07:24

OP, why name change half way through your own thread?

Anyway, I've been 'wendied', though I dislike the term. It does sound like she's the one being wendied, or at least that's her perception of the situation. Or, it could just be that she feels that the friendship has run its course? (Oh and I would consider a friend of almost 7 years to be a long standing friend, I don't believe there's an official benchmark to this ).

user1497357411 · 08/10/2017 07:25

There is a word for everything on MN isn't there? My DHs DSIS tried to wendy one of our friendship groups 9 years ago. To the point when one day she popped by unannounced and upon finding my DHs very good friend in our living room, she loudly exclaimed;"What is HE doing here?". As if he belonged to her now. Cue the rest of us looking at her with bewildered looks on our faces. We still see our friends, but they have all dumped her, as it became obvious that friendship for her is to make other people do her favours but her never returning them. We have helped her move 5 times. She has never packed a single moving box for us. She once asked me how come I have so many friends I have known most of my life or +20 years, as she can only keep a friend for 2 years. I was too polite to tell her why. She wouldn't change anyway and would just have been angry with me.

LavenderDoll · 08/10/2017 07:35

It sounds like your friend thinks she is being wendied so she is taking steps to stop it happening

BellaNoche · 08/10/2017 07:37

Didn't know what Wendied meant either Worra, so another newer member here grateful for the explanation.
I thought it was something to do with losing to the West Indian Cricket team.
Is there a term OP for changing name mid thread? Petered... or Panned perhaps?

Or have we been Tangoed?

SpareASquare · 08/10/2017 07:42

So your biggest gripe is that she doesn't see you one-on-one? You still spend time together in a group but she won't hang out with you by yourself?

You're not being Wendied OP.
She's clearly just not that into you anymore. Happens

AdalindSchade · 08/10/2017 07:45

Are you all very young? People moving in with each other is unusual past your early 20s.

Armadillostoes · 08/10/2017 07:48

Worra's initial post was smug and unkind-not unusual for AIBU but it was. She could have made her point differently but chose to get a dig in. Again, it's how some people operate in AIBU but the OP was entitled to call it for what it was.

Also the situation does sound complicated. But given that the OP is not teying to engineer anyone out of any group, she is not a Wendy. She might be being percried as one, but that is different.

LavenderDoll · 08/10/2017 07:50

I don't think Worra was smug or unkind.... every time there is a Wendy thread people ask what it means. In this instance the OP hasn't used the term correctly which would have caused even more confusion

Gingernaut · 08/10/2017 07:56

Wendy was the name a MNetter used for a 'friend' she introduced to her established friendship group.

This 'friend' then set about removing the MNetter who introduced her from the group.

Days out, meet ups and events were organised by the group and the MNetter wasn't included.

The MNetter's phonecalls and emails went unanswered and she was eventually blocked from their social media.

A Wendy is a cuckoo who repays kindness by effectively replacing the one who introduces them to a group of friends instead of simply becoming an additional member to the group.

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