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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family posting photos of DD online (Facebook sorry)

43 replies

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 13:49

I am completely prepared to be told I am being UR with this.

I admit my father (I won't say dad as I don't think he deserves that title) and I don't have the best relationship. We've only started speaking again recently after not talking since I was teen I'm now in my mid 20s - my parents split up when I was teenager and my brother and I didn't see much of him during that time as we chose to live with our mum. There's a huge backstory that isn't really relevant here but I will tell it if I have to.

My F (F for Father) met my DD (2) for the first time a few weeks ago. He took loads of photos of her, which I expected him to show around his family. She is his only grandchild.

I found out earlier today, through a mutual friend who works with my fathers sister (again not aunt) who was tagged (Fs sister was tagged) in the photos that F has posted 32 photos of DD.

Now I know DM and PILs post photos on Facebook of DD, but they always check with me/DH that we're happy for them to go on there, and the Nursery also check we're happy for photos to go online before posting them. So I feel a little upset that F has done it behind my back particularly as I can't see them due to us not being friends.

He won't be seeing DD much as she has to stay in her routine as much as possible so changing it to introduce new people takes a lot of preparation I just don't have time for right now. So I understand he got a little overexcited but WIBU to ask him to take the photos down? And if so how do i do it without falling out with him and the rest of my family (my DBro sees him regularly so don't want to fall out with him)?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 07/10/2017 13:57

Are you asking everyone to take the photos of your DD down? If you're allowing other family members and her nursery to post photos, I can see why your father would've thought it was okay tbh.

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 14:01

Tidy I'm only asking him to take then down because he didn't ask and I can't see them as we're not friends (don't want to be)

OP posts:

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 07/10/2017 14:02

Did you make it clear that you like to check photos before they are uploaded online? If you didn't then you can't expect him to know. Can you contact him and ask him to remove them?

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2017 14:05

He won't be seeing DD much as she has to stay in her routine as much as possible so changing it to introduce new people takes a lot of preparation I just don't have time for right now.

Is there a particular problem here?

And if he isn't going to see her much, then I can understand his over-enthusiasm. Does he know how you feel about FB and photos?

TidyDancer · 07/10/2017 14:06

I would probably be friends with him on Facebook and see if any photos become an issue. He hasn't done anything wrong really, he didn't know you have these rules in place. You could ask him to take them down if you want, but since you allow the nursery in particular to post photos, it could seem targeted against him.

LoverOfCake · 07/10/2017 14:07

Posting pictures on facebook is the norm tbh, and to compare f with dd's nursery doesn't make sense as he is family, she is his granddaughter and it would seem the normal thing to do to post pictures of your granddaughter you've only just met for the first time.

If you didn't explicitly say no pictures then IMO yabu to demand he take them down. What do you think is going to happen if there are pictures of DD online?

As an aside, does your dd have specific sn which means she has to be in such a rigid routine? Because if not saying that he can't see her because her routine is so difficult to adjust is a bit OTT and may need relaxing for general life in future.

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 07/10/2017 14:07

I think the backstory is clearly heightening your emotions and lowering your tolerance with your F. Do you want to work on this relationship or do you want to remain estranged?

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 14:08

Nanny She has a lot of issues that aren't really relevant to this thread and I do think he sees it as a problem, he'll probably only see her 2-3 times a year unless my mum is looking after her and happens to pick my brother up from his house.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned that I like to check them before they go online but I thought it would be common courtesy to check with the parents before posting

OP posts:

CoffeeCupCake · 07/10/2017 14:09

Sorry but I do think YABU. Do you ask every time you put a photo of a friend on FB? If you do, you're in the minority. If you don't want your Father to post pictures I think you should have specifically told him. I don't really understand the argument that you can't see them either. Why not ask for copies? You were there when they were taken presumably so you can't be worried about them being somehow inappropriate?

Redglitter · 07/10/2017 14:11

He hasn't really done it behind your back though. You didn't say he couldn't and If he has seen photos on other peoples pages of your daughter he's no doubt - not unreasonably - assumed you don't mind her photos being online.

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 14:12

DD has a delay of 4-6 months including a speech delay, a hip condition, hearing problems, and a squint in her eye. Plus is suspected imunocompromised as she picks up a lot of illnesses. DH and I think she may have an underlying condition. If she's out of routine it can take months for her to get back into routine, and introducing new people has to be done slowly overtime which atm due to a lot of appointments I don't have, plus my Father wants to do it all at once rather than going at DDs pace.

Juliet F wants us to have a better relationship but I'm happy with the way things are, I see him myself maybe every other month for 30 mins or so.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 14:14

Coffee Yes I always ask people if they mind me putting stuff on Facebook before I post, and I expect the same courtesy in return which my friends do.

Red He'll have only seen my Dbros photos which are quite old as he isn't friends with my mum or PILs and he wouldn't know what Nursery she goes to as I never mention it unless asked and never post photos of her in her nursery uniform online.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 07/10/2017 14:15

I think you need to consider what harm is being caused by the photos vs what harm could be caused by you kicking up a stink about them. I would wager the latter would be worse, particularly because you apply different rules to other people and that there's a history of estrangement.

Unless he's posting photos showing where she lives or of her in the bath or something, I really don't see what harm has been done. I'm not really the type of parent who believes that mum and dad need to give permission for every little thing though.

LoverOfCake · 07/10/2017 14:19

I think that if parents have an issue with other people posting pictures of their children online then it's down to them to make that clear rather than the person checking every picture. I don't include nursery in that list as nursery is a professional entity as opposed to friends and family.

But specific circumstances aside I don't really get the issue with people not wanting pictures of their children online without their express permission. What do people honestly think is going to happen?

calamityjam · 07/10/2017 14:21

Your op comes across as you wanting a reason to get at your father. Posting pics of family is the norm on Facebook. I post pics of my dcs and their friends and cousins all the time. I wouldn't think to ask permission, it wouldn't cross my mind. I also don't see the problem with your dd seeing your father as you have already done the introduction bit so if she was OK in his presence then why wouldn't she be so in future meetings?

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 14:23

Lover Personally I only want the best photos of DD online, she has a tough time as it is without other people showing the bad/ugly photos of her and people potentially laughing at facial expressions/second guessing whether it's to do with whatever conditions she has. I don't necessarily mean the ones where she's smiling, but ones where it's not obvious she's just had a tantrum or just fallen over and hurt her knee etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 14:26

calamity Not necessarily. The first meeting with someone 99% she'll not go anywhere near them, and has to watch them/figure them out first. She's seen my father but not touched him or even been near him.

Her nursery don#t bring new staff in without telling me as she won't go near anyone she hasn't seen me/DH with first. And they never leave a new person in her room for more than 30 minutes at a time for the first few weeks so she gets to know them slowly.

OP posts:

ourkidmolly · 07/10/2017 14:27

Ok so now I think we’re at the bottom of this. Don’t worry about what other people think of your girl. No such thing as an ugly photo of a little girl and honestly people flick through photos in a nanosecond on Facebook not scrutinising each one for evidence of falls etc. Just tell your father not to post anymore photos if he takes them again.

mummabubs · 07/10/2017 14:31

I understand how you feel OP but do think it's a bit muddy as you have different boundaries for different people. I've been very clear with family (we are currently expecting DC1) that DH and I don't want any pictures of our child appearing on Facebook. We might choose to post one ourselves following their birth (or we might not as we're still not sure whether we'll post anything as we chose not to "announce" the pregnancy on Facebook either) but I can honestly say I won't be posting any other photos of them and would be really upset and angry if my family/in-laws then went against our wishes. However I think our position of being upset if anyone were to post pics would be easier as we've been clear that we don't want this and we're not separating out who can and can't post photos if you see what I mean?

Itsanicehotel · 07/10/2017 14:32

Did you tell your father that you don't have pics of DD online? If not I don't think he could expected to know or to check with you first. DD doesn't want any pics of DGD online. She has never posted any on FB and I totally respect that and have never posted any myself. So I knew from when DGD was born what was what there. I can totally get not wanting pics up that you haven't checked but you need to tell your father that. I'd be tempted to let it go this time especially if you won't be seeing him often.

chocatoo · 07/10/2017 14:32

I think some older people are not as switched on about Facebook etiquette - he prob doesn't realise that he's done anything to upset. I suggest that you let it go this time but next time you see him just mention that you noticed that he'd put some photos on but that your rule with everyone (including all grandparents) is that they check with you first. You could in return assure him that you would do the same with any photos that he features in. Perhaps explain that most parents with youngsters follow the same rule.

gillybeanz · 07/10/2017 14:50

If you tell everyone to take them down I suppose you can ask him too.

Redglitter · 07/10/2017 15:28

Why not either ask him to let you see photos before he posts them or add him as a friend so you can keep an eye on his posts

Original poster

SnorkellingCat · 07/10/2017 16:16

Redglitter I don't want to add him as a friend because other than photos of my DD his posts are mainly racist and/or homophobic (one of the reasons we fell out when I was a teen) and I don't want to see that or be associated with it.

OP posts:

Justanotherusername99 · 07/10/2017 17:15

I don't know what the answer is, and I think it may cause a load of unnecessary drama if you ask him to take the pictures down, but I can totally see why you're annoyed about him putting them up without your permission.

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