Family posting photos of DD online (Facebook sorry)

[SnorkellingCat]

I am completely prepared to be told I am being UR with this.

I admit my father (I won't say dad as I don't think he deserves that title) and I don't have the best relationship. We've only started speaking again recently after not talking since I was teen I'm now in my mid 20s - my parents split up when I was teenager and my brother and I didn't see much of him during that time as we chose to live with our mum. There's a huge backstory that isn't really relevant here but I will tell it if I have to.

My F (F for Father) met my DD (2) for the first time a few weeks ago. He took loads of photos of her, which I expected him to show around his family. She is his only grandchild.

I found out earlier today, through a mutual friend who works with my fathers sister (again not aunt) who was tagged (Fs sister was tagged) in the photos that F has posted 32 photos of DD.

Now I know DM and PILs post photos on Facebook of DD, but they always check with me/DH that we're happy for them to go on there, and the Nursery also check we're happy for photos to go online before posting them. So I feel a little upset that F has done it behind my back particularly as I can't see them due to us not being friends.

He won't be seeing DD much as she has to stay in her routine as much as possible so changing it to introduce new people takes a lot of preparation I just don't have time for right now. So I understand he got a little overexcited but WIBU to ask him to take the photos down? And if so how do i do it without falling out with him and the rest of my family (my DBro sees him regularly so don't want to fall out with him)?

People don't actually have to ask before they put up photos of your child, you don't own their image and they don't need your permission. Since you, your family and your nursery post photos you will appear petty and churlish complaining someone else in the family is doing so.

Yes, but her family and nursery have the decency to ask her permission. No, she doesn't own the right to her child's image, but as a parent she has a right to protect her child in whatever manner she sees fit (including not wanting a racist homophobe who she's fallen out with to circulate pictures of her child online).

Personally I think the norm is to mention the “no photos” at the time the pic is taken. You have every right to say no photos btw. If someone is unlikely to abide by your request then don’t allow them to take pics.

Why didn't you ask him to keep the photo's to himself or not share them online?
What's 'normal' in your family may not be 'normal' in his.

You both assumed you were on the same wavelength.
Laying down boundaries regards your relationship and his access to your life is your responsibility.
He is, in effect, a stranger/acquaintance who you just happen to share dna with.

Ideally, your own father would think to ask you first, but you don't have that kind of relationship/know each other well enough

Why don't you ask him to add you onto his fb now that you know he uses it?
Then if there's a next time you can have that conversation beforehand?

his posts are mainly racist and/or homophobic (one of the reasons we fell out when I was a teen) and I don't want to see that or be associated with it.

Then why are you exposing your child to this, and facilitating a 'relationship' between them?

You can have contact with your dad without involving your dc into that dynamic.

There is obviously a lot of built up resentment towards him, ans this seems like a good excuse to pick a fight. I dont mean that harshly, i have a similar relationship with my own father. But honestly i don't think this is the right approach to take. I think perhaps you may need to speak to a counsellor about your relationship with your dad and decide if you actually want one because it will take work to get over the negative feelings towards him and thats not something you should be expoaing your dd to unless you really want a relationship with him.

Simple - friend him on fb and the. tell him to remove the photos. If he refuses, then report them all to fb - they’ll remove.

Posting pictures on facebook is the norm tbh,

No it isn't!

People are just selfish and FB highlights that fact

He didn't do it for her he did it for himself

I’m genuinely surprised that people think it’s fine to plaster photos of other people’s children all over Facebook without running it past the parents first.

Once an image is on the internet, it’s on there forever and is very public. Children can’t decide what is posted about them so parents do have that responsibility. Therefore it’s only common courtesy to ask first. It’s effectively publicly publishing it eg in a newspaper or something so permission should be asked for.

He should have asked you at the time but I think the horse has bolted now. Just be prepared next time and make your feelings clear at the time the photos are taken.

I don't use facebook and we don't even send photos amongst the family unless the person on the photo has agreed so it is all pretty clear. But here he was not told not to - why did you not tell him not to post them? He was taking pictures, he would have seen the grandmother had posted photos on line of the baby and been allowed - why would he assume there were a restriction?

It is probably better not to mention it this time but then send a general email around say 10 family members all at once saying that given the new general data protection regulation coming into force in May and the rights it gives to children (it does) you have decided from now on not to put many photos up. If they have put any could they limit it to say no more than 5 and not put any more up in future without checking in advance with you?

I don't think anyone has the right to post a photo of any child without the parents consent. I would ask him to take them down if you're really not happy. I know my friend has a problem with her mother in law doing this as she has some 'strange' friends. How do you know whos seeing these photos.

As this was the first time your father had met his granddaughter, it’s perhaps not surprising that he went over the top, especially as you hadn’t specifically said he couldn’t post the photos.

You say he won’t be seeing much of her in the future. Is the answer for you to email him from time to time with photos that you would be happy for him to post on FB (eg the ones you have already said others can put up)? Then you get to control what photos are made public but he gets to show off his grandchild.

It might be a good idea to stop all pics on FB and circulate photos to the people you want via WhatsApp or similar. Make it clear that pics aren't to be put online. That way there's no blurry lines between there being pics sometimes and by some people but not others.

I don't think anyone has the right to post a photo of any child without the parents consent

They actually do though.

Thanks everyone.

I spoke to my husband and he sent a message to my F asking him to take them down so I don't fall out with him - as predicted F didn't understand why he had to take them down but according to my brother he has removed them. He has apparently said he doesn't understand about posting them so will just post in future anyway, so he'll be banned from taking any photos in future.

MIL and FIL only post the occasional one with our permission as they tend to send them to DH first who posts which ones he wants. And my mum always just asks "Am I ok to put this on Facebook?" and if I say no asks if she can show it round her friends at work (who I all know and are lovely). Nursery tell me they've taken X number of photos of DD and her keyworker tries to show me as many as she can before they go up on the Nursery Facebook Page (although they don't show me the ones that go on Tapestry as I can decide to share those and they never post photos if a child in the photo is upset/having a tantrum).

To the person who asked why I still see him due to his attitude, because my DBro was being threatened by F that he'd turn up at my mums house when she has DD and not leave until he'd seen her apparently if DBro/Mum called the police he'd go away when they turned up but turn up again when they'd left to basically make a nuisance of himself. And I know he would. When he walked out on us, after years of emotional and financial abuse (DBro and I weren't allowed pocket money for example as that meant we could chose our own clothes or I could get my nails done or have my hair cut), to start "better life without my useless mother" - who is far from useless and raised us singlehandedly from the ages of 14 and 12, while working fulltime to keep a roof over our heads and so we didn't lose our places at Secondary School where we were happy/settled/had friends. She had no family help as her mum died when she was 19, her dad has been in a care home since I was 5, and her sisters both live abroad - he dragged the divorce out until my brother was 18 as he wanted the house, which the judge insisted be sold and proceeds split between them with slightly more going to my dad (the judge said it was purely because he thought it would get him out of our lives for good).

My DBro has his own issues so begged me to let F see DD in a controlled way. I do it to save my DBros mental health, but any hint of threatening/racist/homophobic behaviour and I'll stop her seeing him and get a restraining/anti harassment order or whatever it's called taken out against us both. He has threatened to go to DDs Nursery and take her from there so only I and DH are allowed to pick her up, which is unfair to my mum/PILs who adore her and want to help us.

So that's basically the back story and why I put up with it all. He's not a very nice man, and the police/social services have told me to be very careful with him but do understand why I have him in my life - I want to have exhausted all options with him before I completely cut him out.

Why the thread? Just ask him to take them down and not post any more. If he does it again after that, THEN you have a thread!

So basically what you're saying is that you're being blackmailed into having contact with him?
That you're being essentially bullied into this by your family?
Yet you're still going to allow your dc to become involved in all the shit you thought you'd left behind?

Stop taking responsibility for your mum and db's relationship/lack of boundaries re your dad.
They need to start dealing with it, or accept the consequences of not doing so

If you don't want him near your dc, then the people you leave your dc with need to respect that....and be willing to call the police if he turns up.
If they can't/won't then you don't leave your child there

I get the feeling your dc is being used for a 'peaceful' life, so everyone can avoid taking personal responsibility for dealing with their own relationships/boundaries with your dad.
It's sad.

There's nothing to stop your MIL or mother collecting your DD from nursery

There's nothing stopping you from going NC with your father

Stop trying to please everyone and please yourself

You're a grown up