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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel plans with friends late notice

58 replies

Locotion · 07/10/2017 10:09

My friend is expecting me to stay over tonight. Girly night. Im kid free. I said I would go. We are to meet anothet friend for lunch next day.

I dont feel like going. I am tired and lots going on in my work, personal lofe, plus usual chores to do ready for Monday (I work full time single parent).

I jusy want some time to myself too. She is nearly 2 & 1/2hr + ttaffic drive away.

But I feel bad. What do I do? :( The other 3 could still meet without me.

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 07/10/2017 11:01

I think you should go, and that is from someone who has felt like you are now on many occasions.

I think once you get there all the feelings of stress will fall away, you will have a lovely catch up with friends and you can always slip off early tomorrow in time to get some chores done.

cherrycola2004 · 07/10/2017 11:02

I’d go. You’ll enjoy it once you’re there

MsHarry · 07/10/2017 11:05

I think you should go but resolve to plan better in the future. If you're doing lots of driving before then you know you won't want to. I often feel like this but end up having a great night. come home the next morning as a compromise.

Gemini69 · 07/10/2017 11:07

it happens.. I think you should do what your emotions are telling you to do.. maybe a day/night to yourself is what you need Lady...

your friend can still meet the other friend for lunch and have a lovely afternoon nattering... if they a genuine friends they will understand...

I would understand Lady Flowers

LuckLuckLUCK · 07/10/2017 11:09

I eventually dropped a friend after she cancelled with little notice one too many times. It a shitty thing to do.

MinervaSaidThat · 07/10/2017 11:15

Do they make the effort to make the 2.5 hour journey to see you?

That's key I think. If they rarely bother, then I would have no qualms about cancelling.

Ginkypig · 07/10/2017 11:20

It depends really

I have times when I really dread going to something and have to force myself to do it but then I have a good time but others where I feel the same way before but wish I'd listened to by body/brain and regret pushing myself because it's not been worth it.
It's taken a really long time to learn the difference but I'm getting the hang of It now I think and it seems one factor is the people that I will be around.

If your anything like me (which of course you might not be) You need to work out using your knowledge of your history with the people your seeing which version of the above it will be if that makes sense?

PandorasXbox · 07/10/2017 11:23

I wouldn’t cancel with such short notice personally. Like pp have said you most likely will have a lovely time and enjoy yourself.

juneau · 07/10/2017 11:24

Could you go by train instead, so you don't have to drive?

I would go. I hate letting people down and being the crap one who doesn't turn up (and there is always one at group get-togethers).

Slimthistime · 07/10/2017 11:25

I've learned that if I feel too shattered to go, it's not a good idea, and that's without driving, I'd be on a train.

If people are staying here and cancel short notice I take they view they are feeling crap and can't help it - yes I will have got stuff in but it will be consumed. These things happen. I don't mix with flakey people though. But "exhausted" is often the same as ill in many ways.

Even if they regularly come to see you, I think it's such a long way and you are exhausted and need your own bed etc. I have anxiety, depression though so I completely get it.

SaucyJack · 07/10/2017 11:25

What time do you need to be there? Can you get a good disco nap in this lunchtime?

If they're good friends you'll probably have a great time once you're there. The washing up can wait.

Original poster
Locotion · 07/10/2017 11:28

I will go later.
I don't want to.
But I will.
It's not really a selfish "I can't be bothered" feeling. More of a "life is really fucking overwhelming, I cant cope with this extra burdensome commitment".

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 07/10/2017 11:29

You sound overwhelmed. Hopefully meeting up with your friends will give you a bit of a boost.

thegirlupnorth · 07/10/2017 11:29

What is more important, you having the time to yourself or seeing them, once,you've decided there's your answer.

Original poster
Locotion · 07/10/2017 11:29

Thanks you for input. By the way train v v expensive - like £100 return journey vs £40 petrol or whatever it is. But yes train is nice.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 07/10/2017 11:31

Having forced myself to do things like this when I really wanted to cancel I would claim a tummy bug and stay home.

Less likely to cause offence than simply cancelling and you get your weekend to yourself.

juneau · 07/10/2017 11:32

National Express bus then? I realise travelling by coach is hardly glamorous, but if the driving is what is putting you off then it might be better then the stress of driving ...

category12 · 07/10/2017 11:33

Any chance of taking a day off or planning some time to do nothing next weekend?

Viviennemary · 07/10/2017 11:46

I don't blame you for not wanting to do the long drive. But it is massively annoying to be on the receiving end of these cancellations. And try in future not to commit yourself like this. I think if it's a good friend you should make the effort. That's what friendship is about.

jeaux90 · 07/10/2017 11:58

Single mum here too. Saturday night is my curl up night so I hear you but I went to a party last Saturday and whilst I felt like I didn't want to I went anyway and had a great time. It's also maybe a good chance to tell your friends how you feel so that if you bail another time they will understand x

thegrumpallo · 07/10/2017 12:00

OP, if I was your friend I'd hate to think you only came to spend time with me/us out of obligation. (I'm saying this because you said it feels like a burdensome obligation.)

If she's a good enough friend to know that you're struggling at the moment she'd want to be supportive whatever you decide, and give you the space to do what you need without holding it against you somehow. Friends want what's best for each other.

If that's not the nature of the friendship then it makes sense that a 5 hour return trip especially when you're this low will just feel extremely draining. In which case you're free to do what helps you take care of yourself best.

Letting herknow now-ish is still enough notice, imo. (Regardless of her pre-spend) . Maybe offer some kind of compensatory gift in return? (You will end up spending £40 + anyway if you go.)

Don't be a martyr, and take care of yourself Flowers

Teasel16 · 07/10/2017 12:02

I'd say to go if you can manage it and have a lovely night with your friends. Or, if you decide you really don't feel like going, make sure you do something nice for yourself over the weekend and don't feel guilty about your choice!

expatinscotland · 07/10/2017 12:10

I'd go because I have low tolerance for people who flake at the last minute and cancel. Don't make plans in the future.

Santawontbelong · 07/10/2017 12:12

Locotion- not a pity party but I have no friends at all. . If I had an invite like yours I would have been overjoyed!! Go and have a lovely time. . Have a Winefor me!!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2017 12:17

I totally understand how you feel. I've stopped making plans because when it comes down to it, I just can't face it, then I'm left with a decision like yours. I am beyond exhausted & like you, couldn't face that drive 3 out of 4 weekends in a row.

If you were my friend I'd be fine with you just saying that you feel tired & can't face the drive or being sociable. Maybe because I like my friends & having bought a few extra bits or made the spare room bed up is neither here nor there. Real friends are there for you, not getting pissy because you're not up to driving 2-3 hours to visit. 🌷

If you do go, I hope you can relax & have a nice time. Drive safely. Or treat yourself to the train if you can afford it.