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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I've been shit in from a great height.

58 replies

Mum2oneds · 06/10/2017 22:15

OK so this may seem. Silly.
So tonight dp has a gig about 45 min drive away. I have to take my car as he has no room because of his equipment.
So I generally take my car and take my best friend. Anyway one of my headlights is out so I said it's not worth the risk as counrty lanes once off motorway etc so I wouldn't go as not worth the risk
She then said would your dp take me.. I said we'll if he had room for you he would for me.
So she was like oh well I was looking forward to it blah blah.. Well so was I but that's life.
She then said her son may take her. But not once offered to take me bearing in mind the only reason I didn't go was coz of headlight
Turns out she's got a mutual friend to take her. And to rub salt in the wound he would of had to drive past here to pick her up.. Then back past here to get to motorway.
Yet didnt offer to take me.. Yet I drive them everywhere.
This is the first night my DS has been to his dad's in 6 weeks so was looking forward to going out too.
Aibu to be stupidly upset by this..

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 07/10/2017 15:27

Remind her of this every time she asks you for a life. The cheeky mare!

TittyGolightly · 07/10/2017 15:29

You shouldn't be driving anywhere with a blown bulb. Not local roads, not motorways.

Kursk · 07/10/2017 15:34

Do you not have a spare bulb?

BewareOfDragons · 07/10/2017 15:44

I would be really ticked off and hurt.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2017 15:45

Well, she's revealed her true colours, you're a 'friend' taxi. I'd not be offering her any more lifts. If she asks why, tell her the truth, you feel she just uses you.

RupertsMum2 · 07/10/2017 15:47

Your DP needs to rearrange his equipment in the car so that you can go with him in future. There will, of course, be no room for anyone else.

Appuskidu · 07/10/2017 15:49

This is your best friend?! That's just totally horrible behaviour

melj1213 · 07/10/2017 15:53

I am going to go against the grain a bit here as I think YABabitU

You offer her a lift because you have a car to do so ... she doesn't have a car so she cannot offer a lift to you. She is also not in a position to offer someone else's car to you as it is not her "favour" to offer.

When you fell through as a lift she just looked for a different lift, which you were also free to do and she was under no obligation to arrange for you. She can't offer a lift to you when she is not the one driving as it is not her place to offer someone else's car/time/petrol to collect you. (I would always be happy to pick up friends/family if they needed a lift but would not appreciate them then offering me as a lift to other people without at least consulting me first)

She could have asked you if she should ask if her son/friend to pick you up too but if you didn't ask her she may not have thought of it (I know I possibly wouldn't under those circumstances), there was nothing to stop you saying "Oh, if X says they can give you a lift could you ask if they can pick me up too/let me know so I can ask them too?", and she is under no obligation to organise your transport when you made no effort yourself (did you think to phone said mutual friend to ask for a lift?)

You made no indication to her that the only reason you weren't going was because of the transport, because you didn't say anything about trying to find alternate transport. She may have assumed that since the car was out of action you'd decided on a quiet night in instead of faffing with lifts and going out, especially as you hadn't indicated otherwise.

I used to do a pub quiz with friends every week but it was a casual standing arrangement - if someone couldn't come one week then it was no problem, we'd see them next time. Sometimes I couldn't make it because my babysitter fell through on the day ... I could have found another babysitter if I really wanted to go but some weeks I wasn't that bothered and I wasn't too sad to miss the quiz as a one off. I would have assumed your friend thought this was how you were feeling, you'd have liked to go but weren't bothered about missing this one, especially since you made no effort to find an alternative way to get there.

BlueThesaurusRex · 07/10/2017 15:57

‘I’ve just had a thought- if you’re getting a lift through with x is there room in the car for me? I’d love to go but as you know my headlight is out’
Text this to her- what’s the worst that could happen?

melj1213 · 07/10/2017 15:59

Blue the OP's DH's gig was last night, might be a little late for that text now Wink

MGKROCKS · 07/10/2017 16:05

That's no friend pet x

InsomniacAnonymous · 07/10/2017 16:06

BlueThesaurusRex the OP hasn't got a time machine.

kaitlinktm · 07/10/2017 16:06

Bit late though now Blue. Wink

I understand what you're saying Mel - but it just seems that the friend never gave a thought to the OP. Honestly, would it have been so awful for her to say to her friend "Would you mind if I offered a lift to Mum2 - we have to drive past her house anyway?"

I agree with OP - the friend has acted selfishly.

longestlurkerever · 07/10/2017 16:09

Bulb is dead easy to change though op - at least in my car - you just buy a new one at petrol station and screw it in like at home. Perhaps she thought you didn't want to go and were making an excuse?

melj1213 · 07/10/2017 16:15

Kaitlin I don't disagree that it would have been nice but the OPs friend may just not have thought of it, especially as the OP gave no indication of looking for other transport ... if the OP made no effort to get herself there when Plan A failed then why is it the friend's responsibility to sort out Plan B when the OP herself has made zero effort/even indicated she was still interested in going?

The OP was disappointed but OK with not going until she found out that the friend had sorted a lift out and now feels like she is being hard done by because she did nothing to sort her own lift

diddl · 07/10/2017 16:40

How far away are you fro each other?

I'm surprised she didn't just opt for a night at yours.

If you regularly take her to your partner's gigs (as company for you?), what was the big deal about going to this one?

And although it wasn't her lift to offer, I'm surprised that a mutual friend, knowing why she was asking for a lift, wouldn't offer you one as well!

SoupDragon · 07/10/2017 16:40

I think both of you were unreasonable - you don't seem to have been so bothered about going that you tried to sort out an alternative. More " oh dear, I can't go because of this headlight" rather than "damn! How else can we get there?" IYSWIM. When she suggested her son, you didn't ask if he could take you too.

So, she should have thought to ask if Mutual Friend could tak you both and you should have been more proactive.

It's horrible when you feel that you've been overlooked though.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2017 16:46

Not just changing your bulb looks like such a lame excuse that I'd assume you were making up excuses and didn't want to go.

It sounds like you're driving round with it anyway, just not country roads Hmm Why?!

Ellisandra · 07/10/2017 16:52

Also, before ah got the mutual fri be involved she said she might ask her son.
You're too busy grumbling that she didn't offer to take you as well with her son, that you've missed that because you didn't say "could we both go with him?" it's fair enough that she wrote you off for going with the mutual friend.

Her to mutual friend:

  • don't think Mum2 fancies it, do you want to go?
  • surely Mum2 wants to go?
  • well, she's dropped out of the lift arrangement cos her headlight is out
  • and? Change it!
  • yeah that's why I thought she didn't actually want to go
  • maybe she can't get to buy one though?
  • hmmmmm, maybe - but I said I might as Son to get me, and she showed zero interest in coming too. I didn't want to ask her outright in case I put her on the spot when she didn't actually want to come!
  • yeah, good call - oh well, it does sound like she just didn't fancy it

^

Or she may be a using bitch.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/10/2017 16:56

She's a using bitch.

She could have asked Other Friend for a lift and said "Can you squeeze Mum in too as she hasn't got transport at the moment." Or she could have said - "What a bugger. I know, we'll get a bottle of wine and a DVD and sit and have a girls' night in."

But she didn't. She went on her own.

llangennith · 07/10/2017 17:08

That was a mean thing to do. Distance yourself from her for a while and make excuses not to take her shopping etc. She's a user.

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 07/10/2017 17:13

All of you saying just change your bulb need to realise that on some makes of cars it isn't that simple. Certainly on our last three makes of car they were enclosed units and could only be done by the garage.

longestlurkerever · 07/10/2017 17:16

It doesn't really matter though Baaaaaaa as the point being made is that the friend might think it's easy, and therefore an excuse and not want to probe too much

diddl · 07/10/2017 17:18

Have you been known to drive without two working headlights?

It's odd that as soon as you say you can't take your car she then looks to lifts for just herself, as if assuming that you didn't want to go.

Justaboy · 07/10/2017 17:36

Umm - yes one might think that why dosen't someone change the bloody bulb but it now depends on the car on some its reasonably simple but more modern cars you have dismantle parts of the car in order to get to said bulb!.

For some cars now its a workshop job!

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