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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give her £5

77 replies

FooFighter99 · 06/10/2017 11:31

DSD says she needs new underwear and has seen a pack for £4 and asked me to transfer her £5.

Problem is, DH and I are skint. I have £193 to last us till the 27th (payday) and that has to cover petrol and food for the 4 of us - me, DH, DSD and DD (though it's 5 really as DSD's boyfriend eats at our house nearly every bloody night!). DH has very little money left after his bills and the rent are paid, he'll do a food shop or put some petrol in the car and then my leftover wages cover food and petrol for the rest of the month.

I've told DSD I can't afford to give her any money, and told her that she really should be finding a part-time job as she only does 2 days a week at college (she's 17).

I feel mean as it's only a fiver, but I've already shelled out £20+ for makeup and bits for her this month. At her age I had a job and bought nearly all my own clothes, make-up and luxuries.

Money is extremely tight at the moment as we're paying back some massive overpayments from tax credits and housing benefit that's another thread entirely but our situation will hopefully be better this time next year.

I should also point out that she is in no way short of clothes! Her drawers are overflowing, so she isn't desperate for underwear. (she also isn't trying very hard to find a job...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ttbb · 06/10/2017 12:36

YANBU. If she isn't studying properly then she should get a job.

yummymummy1988 · 06/10/2017 12:36

Just googled and EMA is closed in England now but avaliable in wales. Ireland and Scotland. It looks like there could be some bursaries she could apply for though.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 06/10/2017 12:40

Yes Yummy I used to get EMA too at £30 a week which was a godsend to my lone parent DM.

I think they've scrapped that though, but I'll look into it. Pretty sure we'd be over any financial threshold though as we actually earn a decent combined wage, we were just stupid and took out finance because we were being subsidised by WTC and when they stopped abruptly we were left skint every month. It's our own fault and it will take some time to get back on an even keel, but we'll manage (so long as I don't have to feed DSD's BF every night)

Luckily DSD has a free bus pass due to the type of college course she is doing, so that's one less thing to worry about. It also means she can commute for free during the week if she were to get a part time job!

OP posts:
just5morepeas · 06/10/2017 12:43

You're not being unreasonable, and like other people have said, I'd stop buying her luxuries (make up, clothes, etc) and suggest she gets a part time job if she still wants these things. The job will also probably help with her confidence and anxiety/stress.

I'd also limit the number of times her boyfriend eats at yours.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 06/10/2017 12:51

I think DH and I will have to have a talk with DSD and lay down some rules regarding BF eating at ours and what we will and wont pay for.

She's had a very easy ride living with us and I think it's made her complacent, lazy and a little bit selfish...

Thanks for all your answers and support everyone, I really appreciate it Flowers

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 06/10/2017 12:56

Don't be too hard on her, all teens are a bit of all that. And given there a thread elsewhere on here where someone's giving their kid £80 per week just for spends she sounds like she needs support and honesty.

I'd not want her to stop having her boyfriend round. It's nice that she can and that she wants to be in the house and that you know him. Maybe just say if she can plan it that would be better and agree with more cheap suppers. If he's just a kid too that is. If he's 21, working and freeloading that's a different matter.

cathf · 06/10/2017 12:57

It's relevent because everyone seems to be very keen to wade in with what the OP should do, but unless you have teens, you don't really know what you're talking about.
It's like someone who doesn't have a baby advising a new mum how to get the baby to sleep.
Everyone would regard the last example as ridiculous, but for some reason, everyone seems to be an expert on teens, even if they haven't got them.
I am now waiting for the next poster to state they were a teen themselves.

cathf · 06/10/2017 12:59

Also, for some reason, teens seem to be hated on MN.
Maybe it's because all the mums of young children can't imagine their child would be THAT awful!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/10/2017 13:04

she recently threw away a beautiful dressing gown that was a Christmas present from her grandma. Nothing at all wrong with it, she just lobbed it in the black bin. Not even in a bag so I could retrieve it and give it to charity (that incident really annoyed me)

That would have INCENSED me OP.

I HATE waste like that - it's obscene (and bloody ungrateful!)

ghostyslovesheets · 06/10/2017 13:08

She can apply for a bursary at college - up to £30 a week based on family income and her attendance - she should have done this.

She could also be looking for a job - it might boost her confidence

You need to decide if she has mental health issues or if she's lazy because you keep switching between the 2!

And buy her the pants - but stop buying her makeup!

ghostyslovesheets · 06/10/2017 13:09

oh and I would have fished the dressing gown out of the bin and washed it !

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/10/2017 13:11

Me too ghosty (unless it was underneath a load of maggoty rabbits the cats had brought back). I nearly put that then thought people might think I was odd - but obviously I'm not the only one if I am. Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 13:11

Yes, cathf, busted. We all HATE our teeens. Just the thought that the beautiful, bouncing babies we spent time and pain pushing out, and nurturing all this time, will actually turn into hulking masses of hormones. Evolution. Who'd've thunk it? Shock

Ridiculous.

I don't know about other posters but I'd quite like my adorable (small) children to grow up into decent, forthright but unselfish people who will live long, happy - and independent - lives without me hovering over them.

But yes, we ALL hate our teens, it's the national pastime here on MN... I'm glad it's finally out in the open.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 06/10/2017 13:17

Oh, Education Maintenance Allowance - those were the days. That's not been available for well over five years. But there may be various grants and bursaries available from her college for equipment, travel etc. She should speak to student services.

ZippyCameBack · 06/10/2017 13:38

I think EMA is still available in Scotland.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 06/10/2017 13:49

Yes Schaden I was livid (it was my lovely mum who bought it for the ungrateful toad) Unfortunately the dressing gown was surrounded by poo bags that for some reason (god only knows why) DSD cannot for the life of her tie a knot in! Therefore the contents always end up on the inside of the bin Envy (that's a sick face BTW) and I'm sure it was around the time that we had numerous dead birds brought in by the cats boak so it really wasn't salvageable Sad

Yes Lying everyone knows teenagers are the work of the devil... DSD has lived with us since just before her 13th birthday, so we got the short end of that stick! I don't doubt DD(5) will be a terrible teen, BUT she will hopefully have had a better foundation than DSD (which granted isn't DSD's fault) and so will, fingers crossed, have a better work ethic and be slightly less self-centred... but who knows

Ghosty can't she be both? Lazy and have MH issues? Or are they mutually exclusive?

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 06/10/2017 13:59

YANBU. And you shouldn't keep paying for things like makeup.

With my DD I pay for essentials, so tooth paste/brushes, soap and shampoo. She pays for make up.

I do buy her clothes, she is younger than your DSD, but not when money is tight. And if underwear is stained from periods I use cold water and salt for fresh stains or Biotex for more stubborn staining. Again, cold water.

cathf · 06/10/2017 14:03

You don't know FooFighter, that's the point.
Lying, I take it that you don;t have teens then? But you are an expert because you want your teens not to be like the OP's? OK then.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 14:12

No, cathf, I'd rather they weren't like yours if you bring them up like that. Your choice, not mine.

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 06/10/2017 14:18

The child benefit is fine being used to cover her food, heating and gas. Don't feel you should be giving it to her!

At 17 only 2 days a week at college she should definitely be able to get a job and tbh even contributing towards bills.

Boyfriend can sod off, invite him round once a week for dinner or he can get a job and take her out.

cathf · 06/10/2017 14:33

I'm sure they will be just perfect Lying.
No-one with teens will have brought theirs up as well as you, I am sure Hmm

KurriKurri · 06/10/2017 14:34

I know this is off topic a bit, but did you ask her why she trhew away the dressing gown I can't imagine why anyone would do that. i can see someone not liking or not wanting dressing gown (ungrateful as it is) but surely you'd ask if anyone in the family wanted it, or give it to charity.

How rude when your Mum had kindly bought it for her - i tell you Mum not to bother getting her much for Christmas.

And I wouldn't buy her the pants - she doesn't need pants by the sound of it. I fshe was in full time education I would buy them (although both mine were full time ed at 17 and had weekend jobs, so they had cash for the luxuries like the make up and unnecessary underwear - I bought necessary clothing for them.)

Beamur · 06/10/2017 14:39

There might be some Christmas jobs coming up? Enough to fund make up and pants..

SabineUndine · 06/10/2017 14:40

You say you do her washing. If she’s run out of clean ones before you have time to do a wash, it’s time she learned how to use the washing machine.

Toomanypackingboxes · 06/10/2017 14:42

I grew up in Scotland and EMA made a massive difference to my life, we were painfully poor and there was very little employment opportunities for anyone. It meant I could afford to stay in school and get the grades I needed for uni, it is such a shame that England doesn't have this.

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